Hartlepool

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The enterance to Hartlepool's World Famous Monkey Sanctuary.

Hartlepool (also known as Artlepuddle) is a nuclear shitstack of a town in the North East of England. It is located on the North Sea coast and has a thriving tourist industry centred on the Hartlepool World Famous Monkey Sanctuary. The town has a fierce and eternal rivalry with the nearby town of Darlington.

History[edit]

Hartlepool was founded around 640 as a breeding ground to provide children for the Hartlepool Abbey Paedophile Colony. The best thing ever to happen to Hartlepool was its complete destruction around 800 by angry Viking invaders.

Unfortunately for the people of the North East, Hartlepool was resurrected in the Middle Ages where it became an insignificant fishing town.

In the 18th Century a noted poet of the age wrote that "nothing could be saltier and bitterer and nastier" of the waters of Hartlepool. It is now thought that he was drinking from the communal sewer, this did not stop him from bottling the stuff and selling it to London ponces as healing tonic water.

In the 18th Century the people of Hartlepool lynched and hung a monkey mistaking it for a French spy.

Employment[edit]

Hartlepudlians (also known as Poolies) were once considered by nobility to be one of the best kind of peasant, hard working, short lived and stupid. This made them ideal factory workers during the industrial revolution.

Most people in Hartlepool used to work on ships and in factories, but since these methods of employment were outlawed by the Evil Thatcher Junta unemployment has risen dramatically.

The current unemployment rate of 100% is above average for the North East region. The local people like to justify their workshy nature by claiming that their refusal to work is an act of sentimentalism to their heavy-machine-handling, coal-stained ancestors, although it is apparant to anyone unfortunate enough to have met one of these so called people that they are not intelligent enough to work in the only available jobs of call centre scunners, nuclear technicians, monkey keepers or other McJobs.

Amenities[edit]

In the 20th Century Hartlepool has suffered several phases of re-development, including the construction of huge swathes of council estates, the World Famous Monkey Sanctuary, and a town centre nuclear powerstation.

Hartlepool also benefits from a cinema, five McDonald's, England's largest Jobcentre, and over two supermarkets.

Language[edit]

Like many of it's North East neighbours the town of Hartlepool has it's own language. To those unfamiliar with the nuances of Hartlepudlian it has been known to sound like a long stream of incoherent gibberish comprised of very short words like ding, rarf, doyle, shan and gash.

People[edit]

Statue of former Hartlepool MP, Andy Capp.

Hartlepool has had a number of famous residents, including:

Awards[edit]

The half finished Hartlepool monument.

In 1998 Hartlepool was left out of the annual 100 shittest towns in England list. It is thought that this was an administrative oversight, although it was celebrated in streets Hartlepool. It was decided that a celebratory monument should be erected, but before it was finished the news broke that Hartlepool had been re-included in the 1999 edition of 100 shittest towns. The monument remains a half completed reminder of the futility of hope to the people of Hartlepool.

Hartlepool holds the World record for the closest nuclear reactor to an urban area, being the only place in the World to have been stupid enough to plan one in their town centre.

Despite several radioactive leaks Hartlepool won all 15 editions of the World's safest urban nuclear reactor competition between it's inception in 1969 and it's demise in 1983 due to lack of participants.

Hartlepools United[edit]

Hartlepool has had a number of football teams, however they are notoriusly difficult to tell apart as they were all called Hartlepool United. For many years football statisticians avoided confusion by grouping the clubs results under the name Hartlepools United.

Local rivalry[edit]

Hartlepool has a fierce rivalry with the nearby town of Darlington which stems from Poolie jealousy of Darlington's track record of inventing things such as the public railway and the automatic shop.

Hartlepudlians have been known to vandalise and derail trains passing through the town out of misplaced spite against Darlington. In recent years the frequency of such attacks has fallen as Poolies have gradually come to realise that trains represent their only realistic chance of getting away from Hartlepool. In recent years Poolie vandals have boarded trains to Darlington and vandalised the automatic shop instead.

Monkey business[edit]

One of the monkey residents at Hartlepool Monkey Sanctuary

During the Napoleonic Wars a French ship was wrecked off the coast of Hartlepool. All hands on board were drowned except an extremely hursuit human type creature that was washed up on shore, the locals didn't understand it's peculiar dialect and assumed it was French. A hasty trial ensued and the "Frenchman" was hung as a spy.

It was later pointed out to the Poolies that this "Frenchman" was actually the sunken ship's mascot, a chimpanzee.[1][2]

This led to people from Hartlepool being called "monkey hangers", or "chimp-chokers", especially by the residents of Darlington and Redcar.

More monkey business[edit]

Hartlepool United named their mascot as "H'Angus the Monkey" as a sick joke at the expense of the lynched primate. The people of Hartlepool then elected this man in a monkey suit as their mayor as a misconceived act of penitence for the chimp lynching. H'Angus has since been re-elected three times despite reneging on his original platform of free Bananas for all school children.[3]

References[edit]