Haruhi Suzumiya

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File:Haruhi Suzamiya.jpg
The protagonist of the show, Haruhi, who is also the god of hentai
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Haruhi Suzumiya.

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya is an anime/manga that is used to teach Japanese children Communism. It became so popular, however, that it acquired a cult following and thus Haruhiism was born. The story follows a Madam/Japanese schoolgirl/Communist called Haruhi Suzumiya (surprise, surprise) and one of her sex slaves/comrades, Kyon. They create a brothel known as the SOS brigade, but having only three members; Mikuru Asahina, Yuki Nagato and some guy who is not worthy of mention, they do not earn enough money to pay Suzumiya's way through college. So they decide to instead use the SOS brigade for finding aliens and selling pictures to the government, because that is much more fun. Kyon discovers that Haruhi is an omniscient being that created the universe and has the power to create and destroy all reality, time and space... and that Mikuru, Nagato and that other guy are monitoring Suzumiya's movements to ensure she does not have a tantrum and destroy the universe as we know it.

The story was conceived by the intake of enough cocaine to keep a nation high for a century. Apparently the author died afterward. We are still mourning him.


Haruhi Besarionis dze Dzhugashvili Suzumiya[edit]

The main protagonist of the show, and the god of everything that is Japanese/Marxism. The other characters on the show have to be careful not to piss her off or she'll send them to hell, Siberia or something. She is currently in a threesome relationship with Kyon and Mikuru. She is too retarded to notice that she can change the reality around her. Maybe someone should tell her. She could use her abilities to make the world a bit cooler and stop starvation and stuff. But no, she has to find supernatural shit. Who even gives a crap? Just watch paranormal activity or something. Suzumiya has a mysterious past. Her father was killed off, like all manga characters of vague importance, and she vowed to avenge them. But in a fantastic plot twist, it is revealed that she came from the planet Soviet Georgia (aka Sakartvelo or whatever the hell she calls it). She makes Sailor Moon look classy.

On March 11, 2011 a 14-year-old Magical girl named Madoka Kaname claimed that she was in fact God, and summoned an army of fellow magical girls, her friendly pet cat Kyubey and a loyal Otaku army to claim Heaven's Gate. However, Madoka lost, and she and the survivors were banished to Hell.

She and her half sister Videla Chkadua are known for having a creepy foot fetish.

A wonderful quote by both of the intelligent ladies



Kyon is Haruhi's right hand man, and her second favourite sex slave. He is very careful to keep her happy or she'll send him to a world without hentai (his lifeblood). It is believed that Kyon is a demigod or some kind of immortal being who will serve Haruhi when she resurrects herself and takes her rightful place on the throne of Everything that is Japanese. The story is told through Kyon's viewpoint, probably because he is the closest thing to a normal human, even if he is Japanese.

Mikuru Asahina[edit]

Asahina is Haruhi's favourite sex slave, a time traveler. She is believed to be the 16th regeneration of Doctor who and was sent from the future to satisfy Suzamiya's sexual desires and to monitor her so she doesn't go apeshit and fuck up the delicate balance of nature, or cause world war three.

Yuki Galatikos Ostrakatos Philoptolemaios Misaitolos Philopator Philadelphos Nagato[edit]

Yuki Galatikos Ostrakatos Philoptolemaios Misaitolos Philopator Philadelphos Nagato is a robot sent from Mikatopolis, to monitor Haruhi Suzamiya's behaviour so that the Macedonian forces know the primary time to invade. However, Kyon showed her the wonders of Japan and she became addicted, so much so that she betrayed her planet so she can spend her time reading hentai. She is Suzamiya's least favourite sex slave.

That guy[edit]

No one really notices him, or gives a shit what he thinks. Kind of like Al Gore in a way.

Episode Guide[edit]

Not much actually happens that people give a damn about. But basically, they create the SOS brigade and then Mikuru is raped a couple times and then they go find aliens for the rest of the goddamn series.