Hawarden

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Hawarden was created before the invention of sewers and the and Welsh County Council had nowhere to put the resident waleians leavings. And so a large pit was dug at the top of a hill to put the entire welsh communities shit into. In later years when the sewers were eventually invented the welsh county council commissioned a waste disposal team to dump the entire of the contents of the pit into the sewers. Less than a month after the waste removal multiple building commissioners began eyeing up said hole in hill seeing at as a place where they could build houses and sell them exclusively to people who were actually desperate enough to even consider living in such conditions . And so slowly but surely the then titled Shit Pit began to attract those who had lost either their jobs,their dignity or their will to live. Shit Pit grew and with the amount of failure there was in the world at the time this was not surprising. It was eventually decided amongst the "community" that Shit Pit was not really going to stand them in great stead when asked where exactly they lived in a job interview. In order to decide on a new place name they had a massive piss up where many people got drunk,laid and inevitably killed. Eventually a small group of pisses (collective noun for people who are pissed which is brit slang for drunk) staggered their way up to the county councils building. Upon entering it they beat up several council members and for the hell of it the caretaker who had given them a shifty look. then they made their drunken way into the main council room blurted some random words (among which were pickle,anus,mummy and harden) and passed out.

And so it was that, in honour of the small band of merry travelers (who mysteriously vanished the next day) the council picked the least offensive and least absurd word that had been blurted out by the group, the small community of Shit Pit was renamed Harden, but was mispelt on the "Welcome To ..." sign by an illiterate who had been paid by the council. Said illiterate was later employed as a builder.

To this day the Council still treats the place like the shit pit it was.

Modern Day Hawarden[edit]

If you are unlucky enough to stumble into Hawarden you will find that much has changed since it's creation. In a mere few years it has been transformed from Shit Pit to Hell Hole (some people belive this is actually the literal translation of the villages welsh name Penarlag). If you ask a county council member what to expect from Hawarden you will be handed a hard hat and a bullet proof vest for the simple fact that if you are planning on making a trip and plan to last for more than an hour you are going to need them. It is at this point i must stress that the bullet proof vest would not actually be needed to protect you from bullets. No it will be needed to guard against thrown objects such as bottles,cans and a variety of small rocks. A rather odd fact about Hawarden is that it's school once held the "Best School in County" award for a pierod of time. how this was actually achieved is anybody's guess though my theory is that teachers would shoot misbehaving children on site and dump the bodys in the River Dee (a handy river a few hours drive from the hell hole). After however guns were made illegal in the UK the schools award was revoked and the school began to produce students who's idea of achieving something in life is to throw random objects at random houses/cars/people/animals/. The most likely reason for this being Hawardens appauling lack of stimulation. The town consists of one or two post offices,co-ops,banks and about fifty or so churches where everybody can worship there much loved idol. Beer.

Things To Do in Hawarden[edit]

  • Avoid getting Killed by speeding motorists.
  • Avoid being stoned to death.
  • Avoid having legs torn off by a small scotland terrier.
  • Think of better places to be.
  • Attempt to Find postbox which is missing from its usual place.
  • Avoid stepping in dog shit.
  • Avoid being woken up at 3:00AM by most of the residents in the area who will later tell police they were "only trying to have a good time".
  • Marvel at the construction sites that seem to be permanently "almost finished".

Famous People In Hawarden[edit]

  • Prime Minister Gladstone
  • Michael Owen
  • When the council finds out who wrote this article. Me

STAY OUT[edit]

No seriously if you're thinking of having something that resembles an easy life do not come here. The School is terrible and there are no entertainment facilities (unless you think breaking a window is entertaining)and trust me the welcome you will get from the residents will be less than warm. Anyway I must run. I have to go and help my dad put a park bench on the barricade outside our house.

Footnote:whoever edited this and put it under the category "towns in england" should be ashamed. Did you not read about all that stuff at the beginning about the WELSH county council? Thought not.