Hayao Miyazaki

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Before eating camera. Note: single protruding horn.

Hayao Miyazaki (Japanese: 宮 駿 駿駿, Miyazaki-San) was born on January 5, 1941 in a Tokyo Wal★Mart.

A world renowned director of Japanese children's hentai films as well the first-born son of Godzilla and Akira Kurosawa, Miyazaki grew up in a pleasant household; his stepfather was a drunken abusive Rabbi Jew and his mother was a half-lizard space monster, which gave him a seamlessly ordinary upbringing. Miyazaki studied the Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual Arts and Sciences at the prestigious University of Tokyo and later at the Kasai Gandai University in Osaka. Being raised by kosher wolves in early childhood later favored his ability to pity nature and partake in common environmentalist protocols such as refusing to bathe and breaking the 11th Commandment. Though his films consistently top the Japanese box office, his father has never forgiven him. The family drama makes for great press.

Being a cartoonist/writer/politician/historian gives Miyazaki extra expertise in making Japanimation and homosexual anime (gaenime) with multi-racial acrobatic homosexual pornographers. His first venture in the pornographic arts was to be at the tender age of 5½ with his frighteningly perverted Rabbi father and syna-colleagues. Miyazaki made his first film venture in 1988 with My Neighbor Totoro (literal translation: My Semi-Retarded Ass Pounding Cartoon Neighbor, also known as The Two Retarded Little Bitches Who Met Totoro or the original title Satsuki,the guinea pig girl with magic chocolate brown eyes who meets Totoro with her human dog Mei ).

American film critic Roger Ebert praised Miyazaki for his boldness of vision. "It takes a certain kind of genius for an anime not to rely on huge knockers or bloody fights and to still hold the attention of a young male audience for THAT LONG," he said in a recent DVD interview. "It's almost like... he's saying something meaningful."

Miyazaki persistently mentions in interviews that he wishes that 'the fat white filmmakers' (Disney) would stop calling them old friends and best buddies whenever a new hit film of his comes out. Taken direct from the interview: "I wish they stop shout 'HAYAOO!!!' when welcome they my presence or for the congratulate me on blockbuster success!"

Useless Trivia[edit]

  • Known to the Japanese as "Fu Manchu", or "God of Indecency" in English.
  • According to recent estimates, controls the minds of 81% of Japan's population.
  • Made a cameo appearance as "the demon" in Akira Kurosawa's Dreams.
  • He likes grapes. Moreso than the average human.
  • Hayao Miyazaki is made out of potassium hydroxinate, sodium glucol, polysorbate 67, guar gum, wickets, blue cheese and Jesus Flakes™.

Filmography[edit]

Wolf in the Shell was a runaway box office hit in the United States.
  • Heidi, Girl of the Alps (Heidi, Stuntgirl of the Alps - appropriate English translation), 1974 - This work is less well-known in America. It is about a little apprentice stuntgirl named Heidi, whose favorite stunt to entertain audiences is to swing and fly on a giant swing, suspended 5,000 feet in the air, in front of her audience. This stunt is very dangerous, as there is no net, and it would eventually lead to the death of Heidi in episode #something-or-other. This stunt can also be seen in the intro.
  • Future Boy Conan - (Oingo boingo - appropriate English translation), 1978

Little Lulu And her little friends (Lucario on LSD:Appropriate english translation) She lieks Annie the mudkip.Nuff sed.

  • The Castle of Cagliostro - (ルパン三世; Rupan Sansei, or Ninja Dick - appropriate English translation), 1979 - To briefly summarize this well loved film, it is about a pervert who wishes to rescue a hot underage princess from marriage to her crazy, pedophile cousin Ashisafag Ifuckinhatehim, or in English, Dr. Robotnik.
  • Sherlock Hound - (名探偵偵偵偵!偵!! 偵!!! 偵!!!!!! ハウンド; Meitantei Tei Tei Tei Tei! Tei!! TEI!!! TEIIIIIAHHH!!!!!! Hound - appropriate English translation), 1982
  • Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind - (Nashu no Kamikaze Kameo; The Girl with a Fetish for Tentacles - appropriate English translation), 1984
  • Castle in the Sky (The Whore - appropriate English translation), 1986
Lil' Pimp Bitch on a Stick, 1989.
Miyazaki-san in disguise.
Concept image for abandoned GTA project.
Hayao himself.
  • My Neighbor Totoro (Tonari no Totoro; Satsuki,the half guinea pig girl with magic chocolate brown eyes who meets Totoro with her half dog Mei - appropriate English translation), 1988 (pornographic film)
  • Kiki's Delivery Service (Majo no takkyûbin; The Witch's Express Mail - literal title; Lil' Pimp Bitch on a Stick - appropriate English translation), 1989
  • Porco Rosso (Ooleshi Coolaid Porco; The Happy Flying Pig - literal title and appropriate English translation), 1992 (pornographic film)
  • On Your Mark (Makasuloo; Stick Your Tiny Euphemism in My Euphemism and Explode Like Hiroshima - literal title and appropriate English translation), 1995 (pornographic film)
  • Mononononoke Hime (Wolf in the Shell - literal title and appropriate English translation), 1997
  • Spirited Away (千と千尋の神隠し; Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi; Girl Used as Dirty Slave While Her Greedy Parents Are Turned Into Pigs - literal title and appropriate English translation)
  • The End of Evangelion (fun movie version of dark television series)

Notable quotes[edit]

"Me films are like small dressed up penis. They a very cute and make people raugh hard in de pants, like plesure toy."

- Interview with USA Today, shortly before he was called off for a meeting with the Princeton Semantics, Linguistics and Modern Classicist Panel, in which he most truthfully explained...

"I rike lice!"

- Formal address to the Princeton Semantics, Linguistics and Modern Classicist Panel (1996)

"Ahhhh... me sho sholly!"

- After running down 17 graduate Elvis impersonators in Vice City with a lawn mower. Released from American captivity for good behavior, homosexuality and an overall contentment with the confines of a federal penitentiary (1997)

"I funny, I maka you raugh!"

- Formal address to the Princeton Semantics, Linguistics and Modern Classicist Panel (1998)

"Mater, mater! ha ha!"

- Formal address to the Princeton Semantics and Modern Classicist Panel (1999)

"Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo small. 8->"

- Not-quite-so-formal address to the United Nations; a place Miyazaki-san infiltrates per annum under a conspicuously false guise as the 10th Duke of Chalfont, a candid representative of Japan's embarrassingly minuscule natural land size. He was sentenced to death by fire in 1999 for exposing his genitals to the UN Council and aggressively flinging poop at the Iranian Minister for Religious Affairs without permission. He was resurrected by Black Jesus in 2000.

Vain GTA III add-on attempt[edit]

Several painstaking attempts have been made in the past to successfully pioneer a comprehensive Japanime video game for mature audiences. In the wake of the clichéd Project: Design Your Own GTA Cover, Miyazaki enterprises took imminent notice of the seizable opportunity and set forth to dispose of 800,000,000 yen ($0.0037 USD) in order to finance an extrapolation of a marketing campaign return.

The actual project itself would have cost over 800,000,000,000,000 yen (8 rubles). Sad to say, because of the slightly uneconomical expense budget and initiation stigmas, Miyazaki Enterprises were unable to complete the venture that very well could have been the turning point for Japan's GDP.

In light of this unfortunate turn of events, Hayao Miyazaki simply responded with his middle-finger to everyone questioning the outcome of the project. The late Akira Kurosawa responded through a medium saying that violent video games with samurai Kawasaki death ninjas are something the whole world could benefit from. The ambassador of Bangladesh confirmed that despite the fact that 99.8% of his country lives without electricity, they can still morally benefit from what they are totally unaware of.

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