Hayden Christensen

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“Aaaaahhh! oooooooooooh!!! the force is strrrooooonng with you!”

~ Emperor Palpatine getting sucked by Hayden Christensen


“Why I do believe that this young man is in need of a spanking”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hayden Christensen

“He's wooden”

~ Captain Obvious on Hayden Christensen


~ Sigmund Freud on The quote above

You need to learn to emote kid!!

~ Steven Seagal on Hayden Christensen
Spoiler warning: This article has lots of talk about a prissy boy actor in a series of Star Wars movies that were all marred by his appearance. Just saying.
Hayden Christensen wanking his head penis (or dickhead in the vulger) whilst Obi Wan Kenobi stabs his iron plated armpit with a lightsabre.

Hayden Christensen is the rape child of George Lucas and Carrie Fisher, and actually had a cameo as the slight bulge on Fisher's gut during her bikini scene in Return of the Jedi, which would place his birthday at around 1984. He was given up for adoption to a kindly Hugh Hefner, who at the time was living in Egypt as part of his "Fuck a Woman in Every Single Country Tour." Hayden was known for the role of Manequin Skywalker in the Star Wars Prequels.



In 1986 a four year old Christensen played a bit part in his preschool's Thanksgiving play. Angry that he was not given the role of Squanto, little Hayden emphatically shouted his one line before breaking down in dramatic tears. The line was "Pass the stuffing." It was his "wear your emotions on your sleeve" style which attracted him to the masses.

Star Wars[edit]

George Lucas decided to track down his bastard child, and in an incredibly creative way of fucking over the courts, he declared he would pay child support in the form of a salary for playing one of the most iconic characters in the history of film. Hayden's over-the-top style of acting led to failure, and he was publicly shamed and humiliated by means of pie. George Lucas who was curious as to who to hire consulted Francis Ford Coppola, his long time friend about the ideas of nepotism in casting. Hayden Christensen was forced by his father during the filming of star wars revenge of the sith to suck Emperor Palpatine's dick. the actual action is not seen but Palpatine's smiling face is, while he gets a good suck. Gay old Sith...

Little Anny gets to mack on some babe with as much charisma as he has. Thankfully we've seen her in other things with people who can emote properly.


Hayden had a direct to Betamax movie about time travel called Jumpie. There was no Lucas or Obi Wan in this so Hayden got to act without bitching and whining. It did go on to prove that his remaining skills are underdeveloped. One of the most innovative time travel stories that didn't involve De Loreans. Just by jumping in the air, Jumpie can jump through time to witness time periods where pretty actors didn't help contribute to the ruin of beloved franchises.


For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Hayden Christensen.

82% of his fan base are from the Star Wars films due to the big name. The rest is from his other films he has had big parts in. He is an amazing actor who has had a hard life like many but chose to take every opportunity.

See also[edit]