Heart of Midlothian FC

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Heart of Midlothian FC, or "Great Glorious Hertz of mother Edinburgh but really Papa Mad Vlad",officially Great Heart Of Midlothian Football Club,are one of Scotland Lithuania's oldest football clubs. They hail from the mobile city of Edinburgh

The club are named after a mosaic of coloured cobblestones on the city's High Street that form the shape of a heart. They are therefore the only club on Earth to be named after the ground. For centuries locals have spat on the heart to bring good luck and the tradition of spitting on Heart of Midlothian continues to this day, particularly in media circles.

Hearts are now owned by Vladimir Romanov, Lithuanian billionaire


Hearts are currently the worst (unwritten) team in europe after they beat Celtic, who beat Ac Milan, who won the champions league last season :).

There are conflicting theories as to how this came about. One is that so many washed-up former Rangers players have signed for the club over the years that the club is effectively Rangers reserve side. Another relates to the Farts fans' (known as "scumbos") affection for bigoted Rangers songs such as "Oh No Pope of Rome", "The Sash" and "We are the People". The story goes that in the 1970s the fans, traumatised by their club's lack of success, developed collective amnesia and forgot all their own songs. After much debate, the scum decided to adopt Rangers songs as the words were easy to remember. New songs have since emerged and the fans are split between those who can remember the words of the new songs and those who can't.


Fart of Mudlothian have long been known for their "industrial" style of football (AKA Hoofball or Guntball) which involves a big centre half "hoofing" the ball up the park, missing out the entire midfield, to a huge centre forward who headers it down, often to a waiting dwarf who feeds on these scraps.

This has often been debated though as it is quite clear that their defenders are incapable of hoofing the ball and their strikers often appear to be shorter whilst jumping.

The newest tactic is putting a 16 stone baby elephant with the footballing ability of Cliff Richard up front by himself, who hoofs the ball from 10 yards, bypassing the goal entirely, and putting it up into the top row of the Roseburn and Gorgie stands week in, week out. This successful footballing marvel of a tactic, has been employed by many of the players.

Local Rivalry[edit]

Fart of Midlothian's city rivals are Hibernian, or The Best, an Irish club that are quite simply the best team to ever arrive in Scotland, Residing in the paradise known as Leith this team has triumphed in europe including next season

Hearts supporters have delusions of grandeur based around a lack of self belief, it is a common complaint found in the rank and file members of their support. Having spent many years lurking in the shadows to afraid to be seen in their shitey maroon replica tops designating them as unsophisticated, thick as mince, cow faced, unemployed half of the city, more commonly known as JAMBOS. Hearts fans actually believe that their numbers exceed 400,000, they play in a super stadium more befitting to an intergalactic showdown between Earth and Mars, they also believe within the ranks of their team are several world cup winning superstars, they however have been warned of the methadone.

Dens 86[edit]

The worst day in Farts history came in 1986 when they lost the league on the last day of the season in Dundee. A god by the name of Albert scored the winning goals with Celtic hammering St Mirren to win the league on goal difference. Farts cried foul after it was revealed that St Mirren had fielded a team of blind cripples (who would later beat hearts 4 Times the next season) . Their goalkeeper also only had one arm (He saved a penalty in each of the games the following season, it later came to the surface that he was in fact blind).

Financial Turmoil[edit]

According to Farts "There is no financial turmoil, cause we are a bank, and we owe the debt to ourselves and Mr Romanov says that he can come ashore in his submarine anytime he wants with loads of big bags full of money, cause he lives in a house that is made out of gold bricks and the windows are diamonds and he has a pond that is just filled with tennents super, he plays poker on a tuesday with bill gates, warren buffet and richard branson and they all support hearts and they are all going to put 1 trillion pounds each into hearts and we are going to buy a 25 storey stand that has got a hotel and a swimming pool and a foyer and the players will all have jetpacks to land down on the pitch for kick of and we will win every game 23 - 0 cause diego maradonna is gonnae be the manager"

In actual fact, they are just tramps, who rent an indoor 5 aside pitch for their players to train on and regularly get Bob The Builder round to tighten up the meccanno set that is thier main stand. "BILLS........YOU CANT AFFORD YOUR BILLS, YOU CANT AFFORD YOUR BILLS......(repeat to fade) can often be heard haunting the stadium in Gorgie. For example they were close to being shut down for greedily eating all the pies and bovrils at half time and never bother to get the check book out to actually pay for them.

Farts have been beset with financial difficulties for decades and nearly went bust in the 1980s before businessman Wallace Mercer rescued the club. Mercer was greeted as a hero but things soon turned sour after he attempted to merge Farts and Hibs into one club and move them to his tax haven in The Bahamas. After weeks of protests and strikes across the east of Scotland, Mercer finally agreed to sell the club to Chris Robinson, known as "The Pieman" because he was so fat and greedy. Robinson got Hearts into an even worse financial state and even tried to turn them into a rugby club. More protests followed and he was eventually ousted by a baying mob who forced him into exile in Morningside.

The Romanov Revolution[edit]


Romanov promised to win the league, then proceeded to sack any member of staff who looked capable of doing just that. A control freak, Vladimir likes to pick the team using his patented "tombola system". He also introduced a policy of only signing Eastern Europeans nobody had ever heard of, including 3,000 Lithuanians who all live in a giant warehouse in Slateford. It is understood that he is investing heavily in human cloning research and will replace the team with clones of himself as soon as science permits. Romanov is a great believer of nurturing talent and is currently actively promoting his "grown your own player" kit, just take 2 seeds, plant in a tub of top soil, water every day, and hey presto you will have grown something which can play football just as well as neil mcfarlane.

The Supporters[edit]

The Loyal Lithuanian supporters, known throughout the world as 'Gunts', are generally gullible in nature being led to believe many impossibilities, such as Farts ability to be the best team in Europe or that they actually won 22 games in a row.

It has often been stated that of the Edinburgh teams, Farts have the more affluent support, however this was a spelling mistake from a Royal Navy Recuitment poster from 1913 and was meant to read 'effluent'. This is part of the reason for playing in maroon, or as it is locally known 'bloodshite red'.

The support has long been known as the ugliest supporters on the planet, modelling thier looks on such famous people as John Merrick, Roy "Rocky Dennis and quasimodo. Along line in ugly players followed, Stevie "You'll never win the pools wi a coupon like that" Fulton Henry Smith being the ultras.

The supporters are well known for wearing their togas day in day out, with a veritable miriad of stains and spillages they can be seen sporting them just about anywhere apart from a football game. It is usual for them to wear them to weddings, christenings and job interviews as the bloodshite red colour is thought to be a "Lucky Omen" that has been responsible for thier elevation to huge team with 400,000 fanatical supporters and constant silverware trips in open roofed buses.DELUSION

On the 20th of March,2010,the Majestic "Jam Tarts" recorded a 2-1 victory over the area called "leith",a part of East lothian that was taken under the control of the "majestic City of Edinburgh" due to the locals being unable to speak, read, write, or otherwise communicate unless they were offerring their girlfriends, mother or daughter for your sexual pleasure,trying to sell you drugs or the more common "leith" expression of "aaarrright,man,gies your dosh like" Translation, please give me all your money or I will inflict physical harm on your person.

Der Uber Spielers De Herz der Midlothian[edit]

  • Robbie Neilson Nerijus Barasa Marius Cinikas
  • Paul Fartley Edgaras Jankauskas Christian Nade
  • Steven Pressley Saulius Mikoli┼źnas Arvydas Novikovas
  • Craig Gordon Deividas ─îesnauskis Marian Kello
Scottish Premier League, 2008-2009
Celtic · Rangers · Heart of Midlothian · Aberdeen FC · Inverness · Livingston · Bathgate · Norway · Falkirk FC · Hibs · AC Milan · Scotland · Yer Da · Dunfermline · Ayr United · Texas Rangers · Manchester United