Hebrew language

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The Hebrew language is a language spoken in every country on Earth by Adam Sandler and most of his extended family.

Hebrew verbs are made up of three consonants, which then have the living daylights inflected out of them. For these examples we will be using KTV = to write.

  • kotev = he writes (present tense, masculine)
  • kotevet = she writes (present tense, feminine)
  • ktov = write, dammit! (imperative)
  • katav = he has write (past tense, masculine)
  • katva = she has write (past tense, feminine)
  • aktiv = he writes actively (present tense, intensive)
  • oktiv = he writes sheet music (present tense, hypothetically)
  • aktvktvktv = he choked to death while writing (departed tense)
  • votek = he writes dyslexically (present tense, cross-eyed)

Hebrew typesetting is a long and arduous process which involves lots and lots of tiny dreidels.

As well as Adam Sandler, Hebrew is often spoken by assholes, New Yorkers, people with the name jackass!!!, and people who have abnormally large noses. However, it must be noted that not everyone who speaks Hebrew has an abnormally large nose, some of them just have a regular nose. But shhhh, we wouldn't want to upset the stereotype.

A common word in Hebrew is Shalom. It can mean everything from "hello" to "fuck off". However, it doesn't normally mean "fuck off", coz that would be disrespectful.

Did you know…
You're not allowed to say Shalom in a bathroom (and this is true, I'm not being stupid for the hell of it) because Shalom is also one of the names of this big beardy dude who lives upstairs, who a lot of Hebrew speakers know, and many of them are a bit scared by him?
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hebrew language.

Hebrew alphabet[edit]

Lo! The Hebrew alphabet (Hebrew, alephbeth) is set apart from all other alphabets and wanders about in a strange land - or rather on sheets of paper that are impossible to find afterwards! And behold! It became quite weird. One of the ways in which the Hebrew alphabet differs from others is that it is quite impossible to read if you don't know what you're reading. You may think that other alphabets are the same, but they're not.

The Hebrew alphabet has lots of little dots and tiny squiggles below the words. The reason why the dots are there is because they are secret codes which were used to confuse the Germans during the war. So for instance, a : under the letter dalek seems to mean that there is a Dalek coming to exterminate people. In fact, it means nothing of the kind, although I can't remember what it does mean.

One of the amazing things about the Hebrew alphabet is that it has 22 letters. The number 22 is special to the people who speak this language as if you look carefully it looks like someone's nose. In fact it looks like 2 noses. Nobody knows quite how many types of little dots there are below Hebrew letters, except for a small elite group of people who control all of the world's media, most of the world's banks and like to feed George W. Bush gravy into his ear through a straw. In fact, the number of dots is the most closely guarded secret in the modern age.

However, from the 11th of October 2006, this was no longer a secret, so this information is now out of date.


The Hebrew language is quite difficult to pronounce. There are lots of sounds which you have to get used to and are quite different to those of other languages. For instance, the letter chav has the pronunciation "Fomoominoominoo", and the letter delete has the sound "Gargoyle". However, beginners are advised not to pronounce these words, and when they come across a word which they are confused about, to simply either pretend not to be able to read or to say "Oy vey" which can work as a substitute for most words.

Some people have remarked that some sounds in the Hebrew language are quite similar to sounds in the German language. We would like to assure our readers that this is not the case. The Hebrew and German languages are not the same at all, and they never have been. One of the reasons for this is because the German language is in a purer state due to Germans hanging around in the hills singing "The Lonely Goatherd" and milking the cows with their hair in plaits, as fine specimens of a healthy race should do. The Hebrew language sounds more muttery and this is due to speakers of it historically hanging around in darkened rooms with lowered voices while they became a greater and greater misfortune to the world and a danger to all mankind.

Hebrew in space[edit]

Some individuals have remarked that the peculiar origin of the Hebrew language could be due to Hebrew speakers having entered our planet from outer space and thereby infiltrating the world like fifth columnists from within. This may explain the unusual sound effects of the Hebrew language, some of which are unlike any other language anywhere. For example, the letter boat has the pronunciation "Boingy Boingy Boingy." There has been speculation by the School of Anti-Semitic Languages that Hebrew originated on the moon, a hypothesis given weight by their evidence that those who speak it are clearly not part of the human race.

The theory of Hebrew originating in space has been given weight by Hebrew speakers themselves. For example, the bearded guy mentioned earlier in this article is known to live away from the Earth, although he's a bit shifty so you often see him around everywhere. Mars and Jupiter are frequently referred to in linguistic literature as hotbeds of Hebrew speaking.

Disorders caused by speaking Hebrew[edit]

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) speakers of Hebrew frequently suffer from many diseases caused by the use of such a complex language. Hebrew has been called the "Holy Tongue", which means that many speakers of it develop holes in their tongues which later cause the tongue to fall out of the sufferer's mouth. In addition to this, speaking Hebrew can cause some sufferers to become attacked in the street due to the pheromones which get released when it is spoken. Some people are so impressed by their linguistic abilities, as speaking Hebrew is so hard, that they are irresistibly drawn to the speaker, which can have tragic consequences and even lead to some of the worst illnesses of all - sexually transmitted ones. These STD's include: Yourmotheritis and the deadly but funny killerrabitconnoisis

See also[edit]