Helen's Bay

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Helen's Bay.


Discovered by by the Spanish circa 1982, Helen's Bay (Irish: Ceol agus Craic, Ulster Scots: Helen's Baa, Chinese: 他借了海湾) lies on the North Down coastline between Crawfordsburn and Seahill. Before this date it was widely believed to be uninhabited due to the fact its the site of Northern Ireland's only Indian burial ground. Upon further investigation it was discovered that the native people of Helen's Bay have in fact been living there for a much longer period of time, commuting to the larger towns of Bangor and Belfast by camel and donkey, and more recently by Iron Horses or "Cars" as they're sometimes known.

Helen's Bay on a sunny day. You can see the Northern Ireland Railways station in the background

Upon finding this small enclave on the coastline, developers quickly saw the potential, and within months electricity and running water were soon available.

Within a short time Northern Ireland's public transport system was radically overhalued to accomodate this new village and an entire railway network was formed in order to allow residents to travel as far east as Bangor and as far north as Derry. realising the potential of this new transport system the Helen's Bay residents built more stations along the route and then allowed non HB residents or 'Riff-Raff' as they're more commonly known to visit. after handing over the running of the railways to some other mug, the residents quickly turned their minds to other projects.

Lady Helen, who is alleged to have invented the Bay, built using rice and Pritt Stick.

It was realised that to attract visitors it would be in the best interests to create a 'beach'. this work commenced in 1987 and took 3 months to complete. Sand was imported from places as far away as Crawfordsburn and soon Helen's Bay beach was up there in the league tables for 'most desirable place to go on a sunny day by train'.

To keep the residents happy, a golf course was also created. built by migrant Albanian workers, the 9 hole course took only 1 year to construct at the cost of only 37 lives. as a mark of respect, all 37 Albanians who died were buried, along with their possessions at each of the bunkers on the course. This new course allowed the residents to legitimately hit golf balls at the riff-raff on the beach without fear of prosecution.