Helen Hunt

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Helen Hunt seen relaxing between takes of Twister, in which she portrays a woman who spends her quality time chasing wind.

Helen Elizabeth Hunt (born June 15, 1963), who is usually mistaken for Laura Dern, is an Academy Award-winning actress best known for her Golden Globes as well as for her roles in the American television situation comedy Made For You and the movie Twister.


Hunt assured herself of Hollywood stardom when, at age three, she changed a single letter in her surname after realizing it was an impolite word for female genitalia. As a result, her parents - an aspiring porn film director with a ready-made surname and a one-eyed photographer who didn't mind her name except when being paged - disowned Helen and left her on the side of a freeway to fend for herself. She immediately hitchhiked a ride and also immediately became a prostitute. At age three Helen was finally on her own, and she soon - actually, immediately - learned the tricks that would gain her many a film role in Hollywood.

Her only remaining family member is her maternal grandmother, Dorothy "French" Fries (née Spamala Anderson), a voice coach for the homeless. Hunt is of Jewish and Methodist background, but renounced all faith during her teenage years when she was disillisioned by the thought of a God who would allow such a thing as guppies.

Hunt spent part of her childhood in New York City, later attended the University of California at Los Angeles, and finally moved to Chicago to complete the trifecta.


Hunt is a star of the small screen, the silver screen, and the "Where is the screen?". She has worked before a camera or on a stage every day since she was old enough to jump up and down and ask for cookies.


Hunt got her big break in 1969, at age six, when she starred as one of Marlo Thomas' many lovechildren in "That Girl?". She later starred as a student in The Facts of Life, but was fired from the show for smoking marijuana with her body double, Laura Dern. Next, she tried wine tasting, and narrowly escaped death after she flung herself from a second-floor window while filming a tawdry direct-to-video movie, Desperate Lives. She then played former First Lady Betty Ford while undergoing rehabilitation and hosting the wine tastings at the famous Betty Ford Center.

In the 1990's, she landed a starring role in the TV sitcom Made For You, in which she played a cutting-edge bionic prostitute with three tiers of breasts and a lubricating esophagus. By the end of the show, in 1999, Hunt was earning $1,000,000 per episode (both on and off the set), and had won four Emmys for her "extraordinary bendy talents."

Major Movies[edit]

Two, "As Good As It Gets" and "Twister". In the former she plays a waitress who falls for a mentally ill writer, and in the latter she plays a mentally ill woman who spends her life trying to toss ping-pong balls into a tornado from ten feet away. In both films the audience is supposed to believe in her goodness and adventuress nature, while she just comes across as mildly retarded and suicidal.

Minor Movies and a turn at Shakespeare[edit]

Working her way to less fame and fortune in the downward swing of her career, Hunt has starred in such minor motion pictures as Are You Really A Director?, Twist Her, and Mom, Do You Do It For Money?. Taking time off from films, she starred in My Twelfth Night On A Bender, an adaptation of William Shakespeare's play of a similar title, at the Lincoln Center in New York City. To her disappointment, President Lincoln was unable to attend due to a prior engagement with death.

Suddenly finding "real acting too damn demanding", Hunt returned to a suburb of Hollywood to star in American Express, Give Them What They Want, and Join Me On The Casting Couch Young Lady. She then just gave up on ever again having a Hollywood career, and signed on to play the part of "Naked Lady number four, pose by the pool there sweetheart" in the upcoming Bollywood pic, Going My Way, Sailor?

Personal life[edit]

Hunt has a three-year old bastard daughter named Macaroni who is just now learning the ropes.

Very few know that her vagina has been photographed many times through an agency named Sweet Puss based in Madrid, Spain. Her Vajajay, as she calls it, was enlarged to murial sized art work for offices and museums throughout the world. Recently on CNN she stated that, "I probably have the most famous pussy in the world...well next to Madonna of course."