# Hellsing

Kids, story-time! And you know what that means? Shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down and listen to what the fuck I'm saying! Hey you. Yea you, <insert name here>. The one with the weird oval-shaped head. What did I just say?

Listen kids, gather around- don't be shy. I'm gonna tell you a story. No, not the story of Ted the bear or The Merry-Fucking-Go-Round-About, I'm gonna tell you the story of the most kick-ass being in the world. Hey! You in back! Shut the fuck up and stop crying, I'm not done yet. His name is Alucard, and he is god.

## Characters

### Alucard

Alucard

You know you want it.

 Publisher God (aka Joss Whedon) and Chuck Norris First appearance Created by
Statistics
Status Kick-assing
Affiliations UK, Nazis
Previous affiliations
Notable aliases Chuck Norris
Notable relatives
Notable powers Sex beam.

Alucard is God.[1] Honestly, he is. He is an all powerful flesh eating vampire. He's got long cool hair, a cool dust coat and awesome shades. Being the only possible heir to the Supreme Lord of Badassness, Alucard is one of the most influential vampires out there. He is a slave to the queen of BDSM; Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing- which makes him do crazy stuff including, but not limited to:

• Killing people.[2]
• Killing people.[3]
• Eating people.[4]
• Crashing jets into aircraft carriers at MACH 3 speed.
• Killing people.[5]
• Performing genocides at hotels in Brazil.
• Performing genocide overall.
• Killing people.[6]
• Eating crosses and blood bags.
• Taking long walks on the beach in the moonlight. Kill people.[7]
• And of course killing people.

#### Powers

Alucard has so many ass-gropingly (sure it's a word, look it up) awesome powers that it would be impossible to even think about trying to count them all up, but here are a few:

• Whoop-ass: He can open a can of whoop-ass on whom ever he wants.
• Shape shifting: He turns into a giant dog, millipedes or Courtney Love- and devours his enemies.
• Blood: He can make an army of undead familiars out of blood, he can regenerate himself with blood and he can make refreshing tequilas out of blood. Also sometimes when he pees, there is blood. =)
• The sex beam: Alucard's most used power, it makes the victims (most often geeky teenage boys) fall under his power and do anything he wants of them.
• The you-name-a-power-he's-got-it-power: Telekinesis? Yep. Mind reading? Oh yeah. Awesome disco dance moves? Indubitably. The power to move you emotionally through music and poetry? You bet!

#### Trivia

You're not going to leave without giving me a hug now are you?
• The letters of Alucard's name actually cleverly conceal a secret. By re-arranging the letters, we get "Dual Arc" which means there are fucking TWO of this guy.[8][9] Shit! That's awesome![10]
• He's Dracula.
• He expected the Spanish Inquisition.
• He is not gay for Moleman.

### Seras Victoria

Yes ma'am!

Seras Victoria (also known as Celes, Ceres or Celery sticks, because people are very stupid and can't agree on names), is Alucard's apprentice. She doesn't want to drink blood because she thinks she's still human, like an idiot, and thus naturally prefers tomato juice of all sorts. In battle she carries around a freakin' huge gun called the Harkonnen which is actually an ugly middle-aged man named John Howard that talks to her when she's asleep. But really, the gun is huge, which is okay because she's a vampire and therefore inhumanly strong. Actually, the only thing bigger than the gun are her Breasts (which, like the length of Alucard's hair, have a magical tendency to change sizes at random). Especially in the manga, because the author Kouta Hirano (the brilliant, strange, obese man who came up with all this crazy stuff) was a porn star before he wrote Hellsing and did I mention she has lovely boobs ;)

It should also be noted that there is a requirement that Seras be molested by rotting zombies at least once in every episode.

### Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is actually the controlling power behind the Hellsing Organization. After he had created the world in 7 days, he told Guru Nanak to worship him and told The Buddha to seek enlightenment. He then got bored as there was no Godly stuff left to do. So he created vampires and so forgot about mankind. Then something bad happened. The vampires realized that they no longer had to follow their Overlords' orders and went off to do their own things. He ordered his illegitimate son Integra to form the Hellsing Organization. It should be noted that the "Master" Alucard constantly refers to is none other than Chuck himself, even though Alucard made Chuck.

### Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Too-Many-Names Hellsing

She'll serve you tea and so much more!

Integra is actually a guy. Wait, no... she's a woman. Well, that's too hard to tell. She's a hermaphrodite actually, and decided to play a woman in "Hellsing", but butched it up and played a man in Trinity Blood. She controls Alucard's clothes, thus allowing her to control the zombie, via the convenient family curse by which she is his master. A sweet, soft, and kind-souled being, Integra takes badly to the necessity to kill other beings. After ridding the world of supernatural beings, she dies early of lung cancer.

At the end of the ridiculously long original 13 episodes, Alucard ends up sexing her. But before that she fucked with a vampire lesbo who she thought was her sister.

“...and I wanna look him straight in the eye and I wanna tell him what a cheap, lying,no-good, rotten for posing, lowlife, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, over stamped, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat ass, bug-eyed, stiff legged, spottylift, wormheaded sack of monkeyshit he is.”

~ Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing on George Bush

Integra is also the Hellsing character who received the most votes in the "Which Hellsing character would you turn gay for?" poll. -(Sidenote: Celes aka Ceres aka Seras aka PoliceGirl aka BiteMeDownThurr69 was voted most likely to be Integra's lover.)

### Walter C. Dornez

Alucard after receiving some acid from Walter.

The C stands for the letter C, but according to Wikipedia it stands for Cum [1]. Yeah. He's Integra's personal servant. Secretly, he is the Angel Azrael and passes judgment on sinners by tying them up with wire that he controls with the Ring of Power. (Which he stole right before it fell into the fires of Mt. Doom.)

His primary profession is a Shinigami, according to Alucard, and during battle he changes into his Shinigami Uniform, which is basically a black dress with a bleached lab coat over it. His wire is actually his Zanpakuto, which is named 'Monowiru'. He is also known to 'turn evil' at times, which just increases his reiatsu.

He is also a butler, and thus gains the mysterious power of automatic coolness. (He is the coolest butler ever, which says something indeed, as all butlers are extremely cool.) He wears a monacle, which allows him to see his dental floss of doom (DFOD), because it cannot be seen by any other mortal means. The floss is known to be extremely useful, for slicing up zombies and helicopters of various types, as well as keeping the entire Hellsing staff free of gum disease.

### Hellsing Soldiers

Did you know…
...that the Hellsing soldiers are actually just cannon fodder? Think about it.

Integra's loyal paramilitary human soldiers and Sera's wannabe boyfriends, they can kind of be thought of as the Halo Marines of Hellsing. (Which would, of course, if you were to make an analogy, have Alucard as Master Cheif, Integra as Captain Keyes, Walter as Sergeant Johnson, Seras as Cortana, and so on). They are about .001% as awesome as Alucard, and can frequently be seen fighting alongside (And fantasizing about) Seras. They are strong enough to fight ghouls, but mostly get pwned by vampires. In addition, when Luke and Jan attack the hellsing mansion, Integra has a tea party with the collection of twelve while the soldiers all get slautered by the valentine brothers and their ghoul army (why din't she just send Alucard in?). But is that the end of them? Why, of course not! They get ressurected as ghouls and grope Seras, to which she responds by killing them. Turns out, not all of them were killed and ghoulified. Fight the good fight boys, fight the good fight.

### Alexander Alliteration Anderson

Alucard's rival or something. Which is ridiculous 'cuz nobody can beat Alucard. Actually, he's kind of like the perfect toy for Alucard because he's a refrigorator and we all know Alucard is one helluva badass freakishly strong sadistic sexah who's sick of weak pathetic humans who break like crackers. (Um, no. There is no gay sado-masochist vampire-priest sechs talk involved. Seriously. Well, kinda.) Anyways, Anderson throws barber's razors at people who need a shave, because he runs an orphanage and wants the kids to look their best. He is also a talented artist, and he nails his drawings to walls so that they'll distract his opponents with their amazing detail. Even Alucard has fallen to this tactic.

Anderson is also known for putting on juggling exhibitions in royal art museums, in which he juggles masonry trowels. A bad habit of is also includes losing control of his limbs; this took place in the museum in which he could not move for several days. He is often accompanied in these endeavours by Alucard.

He fights for the Vatican, which is messed up because he's not even Italian. He's actually Bosnian, which means he can teleport using his drawings, and store an infinite amount of barber's razors inside his trench coat. It is said that he is 4-dimensional, which makes sense given his nationality. Anderson is also a Paladin, which means he is a relative of Leeroy Jenkins, but he can kick ass, though not Alucard's.

There have been some rumors of Anderson lusting after Alucard, but these are totally unfounded. For every picture of Anderson and Alucard kissing, you should beat yourself sensless.

Surprisingly, Anderson is incredibly vulernable to bullets, due to his close fighting range (knives), and despite many hours of practice (using the children at his orphanage as targets) is unable to throw them accurately. To illustrate this, during one encounter with Alucard, Anderson attempts to throw a knife at his enemy, and instead cuts himself across the face, leaving a scar which lasts for the rest of the series.....until he goes insane and *SPOILER!* becomes a tree. It is unconfirmed at this point, but it is suspected that the tree is a larch. After becoming a tree he totally kicks Alucards ass. He is the only person in the world to ever, ever accomplish that feat.

Alexander Anderson after kicking Alucard's ass.

Anderson: "Ea alwees woonted tea be ea hero. an' ea liarr. An doon blame me fer ma wei 'o speaken, blame 'tat fawking ars wo deseded to meke me soond like tes"

### Astolf Anders Alexanderson

Protestant priest, member of the PIBUS. Fights with forks. See Astolf Anders Alexanderson

### Yumiko/Yumie/Yuri

A freakin'crazy korean chick who's a berserker split personality nun assassin for the Vatican (I kid you not). She gets pissed off when her glasses fall off, and kills everyone in sight (or lack thereof) with her sword, which also has the power to summon Captain Planet. They (Yumiko and her split personality) also have a twin sister, even though they aren't related. She's called yuri. She has the special ability to turn all men into lesbians. Lesbian Guys, that is.

### Heinkel

The chick who travels around with Yumiko/Yumie. She usually dresses as a priest, and is the character who is second only to Integra when it comes to gender confusion (we must assume that it’s the whole dressing like a priest thing). She uses guns, which probably has some perverted Freudian message. Khouta Hirano has admitted that Heinkel is a shemale, so you men, don't get any ideas, below the waist, Heinkel is all man.

### Enrico Maxwell

The head of Iscariot. A priest who becomes a Goddamned Archbishop (in his own words). Despite his (assumed) vows of celibacy, he seems to harbor some affection for Integra, while at the same time mocking her. It has been theorized that he has a split personality, like Yumiko/Yumie, which is probably due to his horrible receeding hairline. However, it turns out that he’s simply an asshole, and of no relation to the Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells.

Some speculate that Maxwell is a pedophile, but thats just silly.

### Father Ronaldinho Renaldo

First appearing in 'The Dawn' Renaldo is in fact the first vampire of the Hellsing universe. He defeats Alucard's chain smoking coffin in a round of fisticuffs, escapes the wrath of a little girl and her dental floss wielding boyfriend and flees to Detroit, where he plies his trade as a folk singer (and occasional Lumberjack). His discovery by the notorious rap star/archbishop of Chicago, M C Hammer, in 1967 ultimately lead to his appointment as 'Most Divine Break Dancer to the Vicar of Christ, His Holiness Pope John Paul II'.

Following the great Roman Catholic folk music split of 1981 Renaldo left Vatican City and formed the infamous Celtic Punk band The Pogues with drunken sailor Shane McGowan and friends, during which time he was known to have composed the lyrics for a series of songs about whiskey, the drinking of whiskey and the falling into a ditch and vomiting after the consumption of copious amounts of whiskey. These fine works include, but are not limited to: 'Whiskey on a Sunday', 'Streams of Whiskey', 'Tears of Whiskey', 'Whiskey in the Jar', 'Whiskey your the Devil', 'An Ode to Whiskey', 'Buy me Beer and Whiskey [I'm going far away, alrite?]' and 'A Pint of Irish Whiskey'. It was through his love of all things whiskey related that he met future aggressive foliage - Father Alexander Anderson, who returned him to the loving (but not in that way) bossum of the church (possibly whilst unconscious due to a whiskey related illness).

Recruited into the A-Team of Jesus, Section XIII, in 1988 Renaldo proved himself a fearsome slayer of Vampires, Lycanthropes and Demons. In the current Hellsing story arc Renaldo leads the KKK in their attack on London alongside the schizophrenic nun, Razlo Trip-Of-Death, a Scotch Thistle and the transvestite priest, Elendira the Crimsonnail.

### Captain Pip

A porn-star-turned-mercenary who regularly changes accents and ethnicities. It is finally revealed that he is actually French, and then subsequently commits suicide by hanging himself on his own ponytail. *omg spoiler!*

His last name (Vernadotte, Bernadott, VerneDEAD, etc.) changes its spelling every 6th day of the week, though leading physicicists such as Gordon Freeman have theorized that this date has been thought to vary at times. Pip's hobbies include going shopping with Seras, whacking people across the face with an AK-47, blowing things up with landmines, smoking while sitting on ammo boxes, and of course collecting underpants and... getting profit. Seems to have a fancy for Alucards viewtiful sex beam.

### Oliver Cromwell

Former prime-minister of Norway, and Holy-Priest of the hidden order of Gananga. Has the power to cast mighty hypnotizing spells. He is the signature character of Hellsing, and appears on most covers of DVD's, soundtracks, and so on. He is well known for his afro-mohawk and the scene where he challenges the Major to a danceoff at the end of the Battle of London.

### "Flesh"

A weird dude in the fourth episode of the anime who records people getting killed and posts videos of said deaths on youtube to amuse himself and others. Little do we know, he is actully an omnipresent entity which secretly records the deaths of every character in the hellsing universe. Eventually, he recorded A Hellsing soldier, Gareth, getting killed by Anderson. Following this, an angry group of Hellsing soldiers flag ALL of his videos on youtube, causing him to melt. Rumor has it that that he still exists, and records death scenes in the later chapters of the manga.

### Incognito

Did you know…
...Incognito sucks hard ass?
I suck hard ass!

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### The Millennium Group

A group of nazi vampires from South America that in an ingenious twist by Kouta Hirano goactuallyOrganization around trealizedhe world trying to save all people of jewishrotten faith. The Millenium group is made up of: The fat, psychopathic leader, The young, sexually ambiguous cat person, "The Ugly Dyke," the mute guy, the metrosexual belly shirt doctor, the guy who gets his ass kicked by Alucard really early, and the girl that is eaten by Alucard (OMG, naughty!) a little while after. Together they are a formidable opponent for the Hellsing organization, but not for Alucard, which caught the Millenium group offguard because they attacked only armed with balloon animals.

They are known to sing Disney songs every other hour. And they wear glow-in-the dark glasses which is teH SEXXX0582ORSSS!!!

Ziek Heil!!!

#### Luke Valentine

A really weak, metrosexual vampire. His brother is Jane Valentine. He wears reading glasses all the time so that he looks more "sophisticated than your average riff-raff". He's secretly Integra's fraternal twin. Favorite Saying: "If they have no bread, then let them eat shit."

#### Jane Valentine

Usually incorrectly spelled as "Jan" Valentine. He has exactly 500 piercings scattered throughout his body. Wants to fuck Integra Hellsing. Acts like a teenager. Favorite word: Shit. (There have been reports that fuck is now tied with shit for favorite word) Please note he has the I.Q. of a loaf of bread. (white, not wheat)

#### The Major Guy

A fat, crazy guy who worked for the Nazis. Hobbies include: thinking about war, watching wars, starting wars, giving war-related speeches, and eating bamboo. Kills anyone, even his superiors, if they disagree with him or threaten his bamboo supply. It's no wonder why he did so well in the military. Also known as Drew Carey's evil panda twin. Like all those Millenium psychos, he has a very typical german name: Montana Max. In case you wonder: Yes, he's the rich kid from Tiny Toon Adventures

#### The Captain Guy

Some mute werewolf that never does anything other than follow the Major around and fight Walter every once in a while. He actually converts Walter onto his own side, and carries around a huge-ass Mauser pistol which he never really uses because it's too heavy for him. Actually he is a woman, following the trend in the series, but you can never tell because he's always wrapped up in his trench coat and hat, which has a pirate pin on the front of it.

#### The Dokter Guy

You can tell he's a good doctor because he's always covered in blood and he wears a shirt that doesn't fit. Plus being a doctor and all you would have thought he'd fix his pointy feet! But no, he hasn't. :( Some say he is a distant relation of Dr. McNinja, but these speculations have yet to be proven.

For some reason, his gloves have just four fingers. He might think that he's a toon - which makes him a real funny doctor, especially if he's operating on you! Because of these gloves, some fans believe that he's a servant of Walt Disney, who, in fact, is the real boss of Millenium.

#### Schrodinger

Yet another character whose gender isn't clearly defined. In case you can't tell, he's male. And a cat. Because he can be anyvhere and nowhere at once, and thus has infinite HP, he is actually the only character that cannot be killed by Alucard. And everyone knows that little messenger boys with cat ears can PWN completely awesome master vampire dudes. It's a well-known fact of nature. He later gets Alucard's 'gun' to pwnzors him in the mouth. Blowing off his head. He likes to wear shouta-boy "rape me" short-shorts and long stockings. The Major Max admitted at one point that Schrodinger is actually Millenium's rent boy. He justified this choice by saying that the batallion only had two women, and they were both reserved for him. So, the thousand vampires of Millenium have to make due with the young catboy when they are feeling like a woman.

#### Zorin Blitz...

...Although some people think that her name may actually be "Zooling Blitz." It's spelled that way once in the manga. She's also a steroid-filled angry woman with a big ass scythe. And her fly is almost always open. Not exactly someone you'd want to hang out with. Her left arm and left side of her face are covered with writing, which is actually the script which she can read so she won't forget her lines. She fights by throwing lots of writing at people, which apparently makes them go insane. She's actually a man, quite obviously. Or a woman who's so freakin' masculine that Freud would have a field-day analyzing her.

#### Tubalcain Alabama

A South American version of Gambit. He doesn't last that long.

#### Rip Van Winkle

Despite the name, she's female. She is thought to secretly be a Hello Kitty fan. Her speech consists entirely of quotes from operas, and she wears a black suit with some bling. She especially likes Der Freischutz and Singing in the Rain. She thinks she's some opera character or something, which is why she uses a musket when there are so many other better guns she could have used. It does, however, shoot magic balls. A bunch of magic balls firing from a long rod. She will PWN y00! For some reason the musket actually works. It comes especially in handy when Alucard impales her on it. She is usually paired with the Dok dude even though she's probably got the hots for Alucard. Like the rest of the human species. So she's probably the most normal character in Hellsing. Although she's probably a sociopath (why else would she sing opera the time?) She's also schizophrenic, passive-aggressive, and shoots random people without warning. The Major himself says she needs to be committed.

#### 'She'

Appearing in 'The Dawn', the identity of 'She' has led to much speculation amongst Hellsing fans. After hundreds of hours of dedicated analysis by Hellsing-fangirls, the following theories, derived from the painstaking examination of complex patterns of foreshadowing within Hirano's comic book, have become accepted. 'She' is believed to be either:

## Storyline

### Volume 1

This volume introduces most of the main characters, and focuses mainly on Alucard getting shot at by pansy vampires and Pikachu's quest for a brain. Pikachu is killed two pages after his introduction, because pokemon sucks. At the end, Anderson challenges Alucard to a cooking competition. This resulted in a draw because Alucard can't eat food, and could only prepare blood. Alucard then asks Seras if she is a virgin and she answers "Yes". Alucard is so surprised that he shoots her.

### Volume 2

Luke and Jan, two door-to-door insurance salesmen, visit the Hellsing mansion. Integra tells them she already has insurance. This angers Luke and Jan, and they drive a bus full of zombies through her front door. Everyone within the hellsing organization dies, except for the main characters. Luke is eaten by Alucard, and Jan commits suicide by lighting himself on fire. Walter hires Captian Pip's flock of geese for protection. The volume ends when Maxwell makes the shocking revelation that Nazis are bad people and they want to eat all the childrens and to save all people of jewish faith.

### Volume 3

Alucard and Seras go to Brazil for a vacation, until the crazy police decide they are terrorists. Alucard attains levels of badass never thought possible when he kills over 50 policemen and civilians. The volume ends right before Alucard fights some crazy guy from Las Vegas, who is mad at Alucard for interupting his poker game and lap dance.

### Volume 4

Alucard discovers that the Nazis want to kill people, and flies back to London. Also, an opera freak (who looked so much cuter in her BDM uniform, who now wears mens suits and loafers) takes over a british aircraft carrier. Bastards!

### Volume 5

Alucard crashes a spy plane into the aforemetioned aircraft carrier and eats the aforementioned opera freak. Meanwhile, the nazis finally arrive in the aforementioned London after wandering around aimlessly because some idiot let Schrodinger drive. They attack and London is thrown into chaos.

### Volume 6

Volume 6 is unimportant, as Alucard only shows up for about 3 pages.

### Volume 7

Seras kills Pip, and starts acting like Alucard. She kills some evil nazi vampire by shredding her head with a cheese grater. Maxwell is upset that nobody invited him to play with them, so he summons Angels and KKK members to kill everyone.

### Volume 8

Did you know…
...that this is where the story stops making sense?

Alucard finally comes back, and it turns out he grew a beard and recruited an army during his absence. The army totally kills all the evil nazis, angels, and KKK members. Then, Alucard and Anderson finally have a rematch. Anderson reveals that he has a nail with a fancy name, stabs himself with it, and becomes a tree with super powers but he dies soon. Guest appearance by Pikachu!

### Volume 9

Walter becomes like totally emo, wearing a really cool striped shirt and a waistcoat. He wears tight leather pants and is like fucking evil- which is cool. Heinkel gets half her mouth blown off and shouts a lot of crap but nobody can take her seriously because she talks like a retard, funny shit. The captain guy meets Seras on a date, and awkward silence is present. Then a really weird plot comes forth, one who Kouta Hirano supposedly came up with during one of his drunken hazes, where Walter becomes even younger and even girlier and Alucard becomes alot younger as well as a Girlycard in the power of femininity (${\displaystyle Girlycard^{femininity}}$), or like a super girly-girl-Alucard.. For no frickin' reason! Integra then gets a headache when thinking about whether Schrödinger is in her pants or not. She then realizes that he is.. or isn't he... wait he is.. no he's not... wait, or is he?? Random! (See also quantum physics).

### The Dawn

The Dawn is a prequel to Hellsing, because George Lucas proved that you can never go wrong with prequels. It stars a 14 year old chain-smoking girly version of Walter, and an even girlier version of Alucard. Oh yeah, the really cute, cross-dressing Nazi chick, (Rip Van Winkle), shows up. Only she acts like a girl instead of a man.

### The Anime

Yes Incognito, we know. You take it in the ass.

No one cares about the anime. It's only 13 episodes and Kouta Hirano would never let anybody destroy his perfect vision. Basically there's this guy called Incognito, who is a complete retard, sucks ass and eats babies just for fun, however is not a known relation of the Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells who to date has the copyrights to baby eating. Some dude complained by writing this text here about how he ate this little under/overaged vampire chick named Helena. Supposedly she's legal but looks like she's 8. How the fuck can you tell? they age so slow.

### The OVA

The OVA is completely awesome, it is an just like animated version of the manga... perfectly. It's in black and white and the characters don't move and forget about that useless thing called sound; yep, the OVA has speech bubbles. The Major is eating all the time, and Integra is smoking all the time, and Maxwell is thinking about sex all the time, and Seras gets felt up in the first 20 minutes ^_^.

## Citations

1. No reference needed.
2. Book 5, order 5
3. Book 5, order 6
4. All of book 3
5. All of book 8
6. All of book 9
7. EVERY FUCKING SCENE IN EVERY FUCKING BOOK!!
8. Dual Arc is said to be Alucard's name before he became a vampire.
9. Some people argue that his name really is Darc Alu or Dracula, but that wouldn't make any sense.
10. It sure is Billy, it sure is.