Helmet (band)

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Helmet
Origin New York, New York, USA
Genre(s) Acapella
Polka
Years active 1989–1998, 2004–Present
Members
Page Hamilton
Christopher Reeve
Mr. Bass Player Person Man
The Ghost Of Rick James

Helmet is a polka band created by mongoloid Page Hamilton in 1989, with the help of his personal care provider. Over the years, the members that have been picked out for the band have either died, become regressively worse in their disabilities, or simply "acted out" in the form of self-defication, temper tantrums, or things of that nature, causing their place in the lineup to be compromised. As of 2009, as a result of these incidents, Hamilton is the only consistent member. Though, as he approaches the age of 50, he, himself, is expected to die soon. He can't win for losing. So needless to say, the clock is ticking...

How They Came To Be Helmet[edit]

Page Hamilton was born in 1960, and promptly thrown in a trash can, after it was discovered that he was infected with downs syndrome. Otherwise known as mongoloidism. This, and a bunch of other bullshit about the affliction is all we know about his childhood. His provider kept on bragging about how wonderful he was, and the people interviewing them just got sick of it, and left the issue alone.

As far as the band goes, they were formed during a play date in their New York group home, in 1989. The name of the band, itself, was derived from an apparatus worn by the guitar player, due to his tendency to constantly trip and fall over things. The purpose of it was initially for Page to keep up on his social skills, and to refine his talent for babbling incoherantly to song, but when his provider noticed that there was actually money in the music industry, things took their own course of action from there. He hired a professional songwriter, told the band just to "act natural", and before they knew it, their debut Strapping Our Seatbelts On! was completed. However, as their luck would have it, it sucked, and failed to produce any singles.

Rise, Fall & Resurrection[edit]

Interscope Records took sympathy on the band after noticing the shockingly low sales for the debut, which were literally in single digits, and signed them on Christmas Day, 1991. Immediately, within the first five minutes, spur of the moment, the band proceeded to record the highly successful Here's A Song, In The Meantime.... Their sophomore effort. Despite the lack of any written material during the time of it's recording, it's surprise success was due in part to Page's new medication to combat symptoms of his disease, and the title track, "Here's A Song In The Meantime". Which went to #1 on the Billboard charts in 1992. Following this, the band went on a year-long world tour with Barney, playing Elementary School auditorium's, baseball games, and church socials, in promotion of the CD. However, after the band took turns flogging the dinosaur one night during a rare acoustic performance of "I Love You, You Love Me", they were allegedly escorted off the stage in tears, which put a permanent dent in their reputation, sent back home, and ultimately punished. One of the repercussions being that the tour was officially called off, and no refunds were issued to concert-goers. Now referred to in the aftermath as "the nancy boys of rock", every album has taken a complete nosedive, doing even worse than the debut, as the ultimate result. When it's broken down like this, it's no wonder they, or anybody else for that matter, resorted, or would resort to breaking up, like they did...

They got back together in 2004, and proceeded to make two more albums, though. Why Should Our Size Matter?, and Mongoloids Unite: The Page Hamilton Benefit Concert. Which tackled the occasionally taboo subjects of height, weight, and even the topic of their own disabilities. The latter release was recorded in front of a live audience, through a memorex cassette tape recorder, who slept through the whole thing. For... well, obvious reasons, they were complete failures, as well. Nothing worth mentioning. See "Discography".

In 2007, they released a song called "Vengeance Is A Very, Very Bad Thing". Ironically, given the band's history, it can be heard in many instructional, and inspirational DVD's, in their many efforts supporting anger management.

Currently, Helmet, and their new personal care provider Mike Hunt, are in the Sesame Street recording studios putting the finishing touches on the follow-up to their last album, which is due to be released in June, entitled Blind People Are People Too. When asked during a recent interview what he thought of the album, all Page could do was scream. Once more, also due in part to his increasingly radical behavior, the interviewers were all forced to leave.

Discography[edit]

1990: Strapping Our Seatbelts On!
1992: Here's A Song, In The Meantime...
1994: My Best Friend, Betty
1997: Bleach Has An Icky Aftertaste (Don't Drink It)
2004: Why Should Our Size Matter?
2006: Mongoloids Unite!: The Page Hamilton Benefit Concert
2010: Blind People Are People Too

Compilations[edit]

1995: We Can't Help That We Were Born This Way
2004: Let's Join Hands And Sing: Helmet's Greatest Hits