Henrik Ibsen

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The "Man" himself.
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Henrik Ibsen (1928-) was an influential Oscar-winning super-Norwegian playwright, playboy, and playa. He is best known for his experimental prose piece The Night of the Living Iguana and his many failed attempts to set the Zapruder film to a hip-hop score.

Childhood[edit]

Born Henrik Schmoigel Ludwig Franz Marie von Ibsenhausen or something like that in a cherry orchard in Osloburg, Norskvay in 1828, Ibsen endured a long and difficult childhood. While most people are only children for ten to twelve years, he was a child for an unprecedented 45 years, not counting coffee breaks. This record was only surpassed by Nicole Kidman] some centuries later. Ibsen originally received training as an apothecary's assistant, but quit when he learned that apothecaries had been outlawed by the Apothecary Act of 1856.[citation needed] Faced with either despair or marriage, he opted to study draughtsmanship. No one knew what this was, however, so he settled for writing plays.

Ibsen's Big Break[edit]

Ibsen spent his formative years studying at Oxford College in London, Massachusetts. His teacher there was the renowned play-guy William Shakespear, who taught him how to be funny and sad at the same time. This came in handy with Ibsen's first hit, Freud & Jung Do Vegas. A critical favorite from the start, FJDV was hailed as a classic in neopoprealism, whatever that is. The critics went wild, some even trying to bite Ibsen's heels as he dashed out of the theater this leading to him stumbling, falling over and breaking both his legs. This has later become known as "Ibsen's big break".

In the Wake of Stardom[edit]

Ibsen's next several dozen plays were all complete flops. The only one worth mentioning is The Fiddler on the Roof, a musical comedy about a fiddler who struggles to stay on a roof. In the gripping finale, he is clubbed to the death by violinophobiacs who want him to "get off the damn roof." Ibsen turned to drink and did a brief stint as the cross-dressing dancer Mimi the Mouth in the Stardust Bar and Hotel. Things seemed grim as he had his name legally changed to "Henrik the Hippo" and began doing a routine where he spit wads of gum at the audience. The government considered suicide.

Finally, Another Big Break[edit]

In the late '70s, Ibsen realized that he wasn't cut out for the theater. "I wasn't cut out for the theater," he said in a recent interview. "I realized that my true calling was workout videos and tropical fruit drinks." But he entered into neither of these fields. Instead, he created a piece of performance art whose effects echo to this day. He called it Godswallop and the Magic Tricycle and it premiered on December 32, 1999 to a packed house in Amsterdam's Willy Loman Cathedral. It primarily featured a naked man sitting on a table with a fish shoved into his mouth. It was an instant legend.

The Inglorious End[edit]

Ibsen went out in a blaze of inglory last night when he decided he'd "had enough of this life crap." He fired himself on a homemade rocket, "hoping," he said, "to make it to the moon- or closer." Little is known of the circumstances of Ibsen's life and times, but suffice it to say, he was a man. And what a man!

The Legacy[edit]

Ibsen left a legacy a mile wide and six and a half miles long. It can be found where Trafalgar Square used to stand. He also influenced how we live and act everyday. Did you know that he invented the toaster? Some also suspect that he wrote The Bible, while others say that Ibsen himself was written by Francis Bacon. In the end, all we can say for sure is that he was kinda from Norway.

He Is[edit]

The Shit.

See also[edit]

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