Henry the Ape

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Henry the Ape and Squarks, his erstwhile sidekick

Henry the Ape (June 28, 1491-January 28, 1547), to be confused with Henry VIII, was one of the most controversial kings of Great Britain. He is famous for being an ape.

Adoption and Early Life[edit]

Henry's mother, Eliza of Yorcke, and his father, King Henry VIIIIII, adopted Henry the Ape on March 14th, 1491. Unfortunately, they mistook the zoo for the adoption clinic. Henry's mother was half-blind and his father didn't care about his son, so they ended up getting what most think to be a monkey instead of a human.

Henry was a quick learner and could speak by the age of twenty-one and fling his own feces by two-and-a-half weeks. His reign as a king started at age eighteen, one year before marrying Cavendish of Aragon and three years before learning to speak.

Early Rule[edit]

Henry's rule started in 1509, after his father mysteriously slipped on a banana skin and fell into a vat of monkey poo while out for a walk with his son. His famous speech from when his rule started, "OOOOH oooh AAH aaah AAAAAH!", is still recited by schoolchildren throughout the country. His son, Henry the Ape's speech however, was much less wordy.

The First French War[edit]

The Six Wives of
Henry the Ape
BananaSmall.png Cavendish of Aragon
BananaSmall.png Anne Bananne
BananaSmall.png Jane Fruitmour
Oscar.jpg Oscar Wilde
BananaSmall.png Bananne of Cleves
Banana.jpg Cavendish Plantain

In 1511, Henry the Ape had only just married his second banana, Anne Bananne[1], when a war against the French began. Thanks to Henry┬┤s war speech against the French (entitled "OOH OOh eeeh!!"), the French soldiers collapsed laughing. Henry took this opportunity to negotiate peace with the King of France, but tragically the French King slipped on a banana skin and fell into a vat of monkey poo while negotiations were still in progress.

Henry the Ape from then on assumed the title of King of Denmark, due to a geographical error.

The Great Hunt of 1512[edit]

In 1512, Icelandic vikings sailed to the coasts of Britain and raided their monasteries, but one day a disrespectful viking stepped into the royal forest, only to be crapped on from a height of fifty feet. This started a full fledged war between the vikings and the King of England. The vikings searched the forests far and wide, but casualties from hurled conkers, and banana skins next to vats of monkey poo were high. Whenever they'd catch sight of the king, he would be gone through the treetops in a blur of ermine. Within two months, the Icelandic government couldn't take the pressure anymore and withdrew all of their troops from the vicinity of the royal forest, as well as giving Henry Jane Fruitmour, the Princess of Iceland's, hand in marriage (Henry had eaten both his previous wives).

Learning to Read[edit]

In 1520, Henry discovered the hidden library inside his castle. He learned to read after spending thirteen years locked up in the library. During the period 1520-1533, many often say that he was married to Oscar Wilde, him being Henry's favorite author, and Jane Fruitmore having died recently. After returning to the rest of the castle in 1533, he had grown so sick of Wilde that he created the Buggery act of 1533, the first anti-sodomy enactment in England. Those who call 1520-1533 Henry's marriage to Wilde, generally call the Buggery act Wilde's eating by Henry.

It was during this time that Henry the Ape wrote his only recorded work, the Abandoned Orphan Story.

After leaving Wilde, Henry married the first banana he met, Bananne of Cleves.

Late Life[edit]

Henry was told by a fortune-teller that his life was coming close to an end in 1540. He then ate Bananne of Cleves because she had not born him any children yet, and he needed a wife that could preserve his great genes. He held a party to find who would be his next wife. All the guests thought that there would be some kind of competition, but all Henry did was find the most beautiful and ripe banana and kill the rest. This beautiful banana was named Cavendish Plantain.

Many argue that the last period of his life, in which he was married to Cavendish Plantain, was the most fun time of his life. Others argue that he only stayed at home because he was terminally ill. Either way, he died on January 28, 1547.

Style and Arms[edit]

Henry the Ape was the first English monarch to prefer to be addressed by the style "Monkey". His arms were very long and hairy.

It is claimed by some that Henry the Ape composed "Greensleeves" (a rumour that was started by Henry's habbit of not using handkerchiefs). This however is a load of monkey balls; all Henry could do was fling poo at sheetpaper -- he may though have composed Leonard Cohen's reworked 1974 version.


  1. ^  Henry kept remarrying as despite his constant (and somewhat creative) efforts, none of his wives would bear him a son.

Juan rapes king Henry the Ape so hard ape boy screams like a little girly-wirly