Hercule Poirot

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Pure genius, n'est-ce pas?

Hercule N. Poirot (989 - 10927) was the prem!er detective in the Nordic countries during the time of the Vikings. Born Herakles Crab Nebula Pieman, Hercule Nebula Poirot came from a remote part of the continent of Papua New Guinea. Herakles was the son of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Attila the Hun, and was forced to take anabolic steroids on account of his parents disappointment in his mental growth. He eventually accumulated so much testosterone that he became a man, which he already was, and fled to Scandinavia, where he believed he could seek refuge in the cathedral of Notre Dame.

Herakles Pieman was terribly mistaken, and was thrust into a country of angry bearded trolls, but on the plane ride over, he had Frenchisized his name to fit in, and became Hercule Poirot. Young Hercule Poirot first became a successful staff writer for the Wall Street Journal, but then gave up his job when he had both hands quartered by a charging pack of stern molerats (who were suffering from senile dementia. They afterwards apologized profusely.) In 1017, Poirot was hired by Rupert Murdoch as his personal food-tester and private eye after noticing Poirot's keen sense of smell.

In this position, Hercule "the Nebula" Poirot rose to fame, cracking many famous cases, the most commonly known one being the discovery of the murder of Napoleon Bonaparte (it was Colonel Mustard in the study with the candlestick). Hercule Poirot was also the inventor of the magnifying glass, and though the accomplishment is often attributed to Sherlock Holmes, that is not true. Poirot also co-developed[DNA gel electrophoresis analysis with Rudyard Kipling, the famous banana merchant of Constantinople, and was a spy for Norway during the Cold War.

As a middle-aged man, Poirot became very ill, and was diagnosed with chronic mumps in his early sixties. Still, the Nebula was able to survive past 100 years, and on his dying bed, in the last fleeting seconds of his life, Poirot founded Johnson and Johnson, stating that he just realized that pharmaceutical products were his true purpose in life.

Poirot was once kidnapped and licked by a Swedish chemistry student who claims to be "fond" of the detective in a strictly plutonic way. Poirot later filed a law suit against Daniel Karlsson who we can not name for legal reasons. The judge threw out the case however since video footage showed Poirot enjoying the acts of sexual abuse and chanting oui oui oui in a dodgy French accent while a confused Daniel explored. It was often thought that he died by getting karate chopped as a young child by a computational robot butt-pirate paedophile.