Hercules

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“Hercules stultus est! Hercules stultus est!" ("Hercules is a moron, a moron, I'm telling you!")”

~ Cicero on Hercules

“He butchered every single Beatles!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hercules
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Hercules.

Hercules was a tanned, smiling, greasy demigod who lived in Crete in the late 1200s B.C. He is well-known for murdering all the members of the Beatles.

Various things Hercules is acclaimed for:

  • Pretending to be a wooden horse and then ambushing the people of Troy in the dead of the night.
  • Secretly dressing up as a priest and performing a wedding ceremony between Adolf Hitler and Winston Churchill without their prior consent, thus ending World War II.
  • 8mm movies of oily naked man wrestling.
  • Taunting Arnold Schwarzenegger in his dreams to stop being such a girly-man and to buff up.
  • Engaging in intimate relations with Arnold Schwarzenegger (according to David Bowie).
  • Allowing steaks to vote in national elections.
  • Dying for our sins in the late 1970's and later being reincarnated as a young man (fully grown) from Wisconsin.
  • Knocking up the fifty daughters of Thespius (how fucking sweet is that?), and 299 women, resulting the creation of Spartaaaaaaaaaans!!
  • Battling James Woods with a midget and a horse.
  • Practicing homosexual activities with Bjarne Stroustrup and other members of the United Nations.
  • Murdering the Beatles.
  • Punching Micheal Jackson so hard the black fell off of him.

Early years[edit]

Hercules, often given then nickname "Kevin Sorbo" by his friends, was born when Zeus was busy masturbating and all of a sudden he ejaculated, leading to one of his sperm cells fusing together the powers of Billy Mays and Chuck Norris, which accidentally found its way into the ovary of Hilary Clinton. The resulting abomination of a child was so powerful that heaven cast him down onto the mortal world in the hopes that he may eventually destroy Robotnik's PINGAS, which has proven to be a task insurmountable even by the gods. He was one of the few demigods to be born with an intact loincloth, and that made him a kind of instant celebrity.

Initially unaware of his powers, the young Hercules wandered the corrupt world of man, searching for Billy Burgers to sustain himself and roundhouse kicking those who stood between him and his goal. Eventually he discovered his potential and roundhouse kicked with so much force that it shattered the barrier of time and struck the Bush Administration, resulting in the 2008 Obama presidency.

Hercules is latin for Chuckalis Norris, in which some say he lives on forever, also some say he died. But personly, I think hes alive today, roundhouse kicking even the most bad ass of people.

In his early years, Hercules became best friends with the Grand old Duke of Nukem who taught him the Art of War and how to smoke a pipe. Hercules could also grow a full beard at the age of 9, and was a two-time All State Greco-Roman wrestling champion.

The Ins and Outs[edit]

The evil Snakehead Lady, chillin'.

Much of Hercules' life was spent contemplating how to get into Troy - a great city made of cheese. Nobody knows why Hercules wanted to get into Troy nor why he never contemplated unleashing a group of ravenous mice upon the city. Instead he nailed planks of wood to himself to disguise himself as a wooden horse, the people of troy enjoyed wooden horses and if the city was not made of cheese this idea would by far be the best.

Upon nightfall the enraged Hercules ate a large quantity of the city and exited out of the back entrance. When the people of troy awoke they were enraged and pledged to seek revenge.

His trip to the islands with Jason[edit]

Hercules had a best friend named Jason, who got it in his mind that he had to steal the Golden Fleece, which was at that time guarded by a Snakehead Lady. Before the actual battle Jason was really worried about fighting the Snakehead Lady, but Hercules told him to "buck up". Jason was no longer afraid after that because he spent a lot of time thinking about, and asking people, what "buck up" might mean. In the end it didn't matter, because the Snakehead Lady turned out to be pretty small, and didn't put up much resistance. Jason gleefully smushed her, took the golden fleece, and then put it back because it was a bit too small for him.

Twelve Tasks of Hercules[edit]

File:Hercproject.JPG One of the many temp jobs Hercules took to make money was to clean the Agean Stables, which was loaded with shit. Rather than spend years trying to dig it out, Hercules diverted a river through the stables, flushing it clean. It also killed most of the livestock, and the people downstream where digging shit out of their kitchens for several years, but you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs and filling someone's kitchen with horse shit.

The most commonly accepted version of events was that Hercules was forced by his mother, the Horse, to do 12 grueling and deadly Science Fair projects, each harder than the last. None of the projects were particularly well thought-out (though his project entitled "Hand in Fire; Does it Hurt?" was a notable exception) and he was grounded for several weeks before being freed by Jason from his room.

The 12 "impossible" jobs:

  1. Murder all the Beatles.
  2. Put hand in fire for 10 minutes.
  3. Clean the Internet from porn.
  4. Try to sell 10 million copies Paris Hilton's album.
  5. Clean the Agean Stables.
  6. Produce crude oil.
  7. Make omelettes without breaking eggs.
  8. Make all Americans interested in the REAL FOOTBALL.
  9. Convert Osama to Christianity.
  10. Become a woman and have sex with Zeus.
  11. Kill Bill Gates/Microsoft.
  12. Find Jimmy Hoffa.
  13. Win the war on terrorism.

Hercules managed to overcome all task except one, the last. It is said he spend 80 Billion gold coins per year on weapons and equipment for decades, but without success.

The Hercules Stories[edit]

In the year 1987, scientists found the remains of Hercules body in several hundred locations around Greece, Rome, a mountain, and various villages. Each body seemed to be filled with more semen than the last (miraculously the semen seemed to be no more than 5 minutes old). DNA tests prove the semen generally belonged to the famed King Eurystheus although other DNA traces were found. Scientist, astounded that the same man's body could be found in various locations in the same state of Semenification, dismissed the bodies as a hoax.

Dissatisfied with this explanation, Chuck Norris had HIS team of scientists, a team consisting of Chuck Norris, aka the team that has never failed, research and excavate for clues. By roundhouse kicking one of the bodies at a 32 degree angle as oppossed to the normal 65 degree angle, Chuck norris discovered he could ressurect the body. Indeed it was Hercules and these are the Hercules Stories. We warn you however the the following story features tons of rape, death, and mutilation. In accordance with the Mel Gibson child protection rating system this story was labeled PG-8 for cartoonish violence.

World famous historian and writer Chuck Norris took Hercules' account and wrote it as follows:

Further Adventures 1[edit]

Hercules is told to guard the oxen. Unfortunately someone with a sniper rifle shoots him in the balls and then steals several oxen. Enraged by his latest failure, Eurystheus repeatedly rapes Hercules & then shoves his face in dog shit. Eurystheus then throws freezing cold water over Hercules and, after becoming fed up with hearing him bitch about the cold, savagely beats him with a carrot & then throws him into a volcano. The volcano god saves Hercules but then throws him in a giant cage with a horny cyclops. The Cyclops shoves Hercules up his ass where he suffocates into unconciousness. He wakes up tied to a log & several Mayan devil-worshippers rape him before summoning a wolf demon who also rapes Hercules before eating him alive.

Hercules is commanded by Poseidon to get him a kilo of weed. "Remember Hercules, the code is butterfly." Frustrated by Hercules inability to remember, Poseidon boils him in a pot of molten lava. Then he resurrects Hercules & sends him on his mission. Mistaken for the son of a mob boss, Hercules is dragged into an alley & raped with broken glass. He is then beheaded by an insane hobo. Upon his return to the city Hercules screams in a rage, "NIGGAAAAS!" and is quickly trampled by a group of horses. Several Mexicans rape him and then a group of black men drop a large trash container onto his head, killing him. On his third try, Hercules fights a hobo in a dark alley but loses & gets beaten to death. Finally, Hercules finds the drugs dealer but he messes up the code & is mistaken for a cop. He has the weed shoved up his ass & is fed to a horny bird which also rapes him.

Further Adventures Part 2[edit]

Eurystheus is sleeping soundly but becomes irate when Hercules, sleeping on the floor next to him, lets out a loud fart. Eurystheus breaks Hercules arm and then slams a door in his face. Dragging him into the zoo he throws his body and it hits an alligator in the face. The alligator tears off a screaming Hercules leg. He tries to escape but is beaten by a gorilla and thrown into a shark tank. Sent back to earth Hercules angrily attacks Eurystheus in his sleep but gets the shit beat out of him. Eurystheus then ties Hercules to a barn door and slams the door until Hercules dies. Hercules comes back and apologizes but Eurystheus rapes him violently to death. Disoriented and still angry Eurystheus calls his girlfriend over and beats her to death. He then savagely rapes a Pegasus and a dog named Spack.

The Cyclops who owned Spack throws a cow at Eurystheus but misses and the cow goes over a cliff where it is torn apart by Mayan devil worshippers. Eurystheus then pulls out his sword and slices off the Cyclops left nut. Spack and the Pegasus return but are weary after being savagely raped and get the shit kicked out of them. Eurystheus then shoves a funnel up the Cyclops ass and pumps poison into it. During the battle Hercules attempts to help Eurystheus but is caught on his way and beaten to death by Cereberus. Cereberus then wanders around aimlessly and rapes several trees before devouring a fat guy. The Tree God becomes angry and beats the shit out of Hercules as recompensation.

Cereberus fights a drunk and easily kills him, then impales a newly revived Hercules with his teeth and spits him out over the side of a volcano. Hercules is revived and angrily punches a wall but breaks his arm and then gets killed by the cops. Cereberus tracks him down and sits on his head until he suffocates and then farts with such strength that Hercules melts. Knowing he will get killed no matter what he does Hercules goes on a rampage and rapes a bunch of roosters. A bunch of deer gang up and rape him but he escapes before he is killed and climbs a mountain. Unfortunately the yeti catches him and rips off his head. The yeti then comes down and kills everyone living in a small town. Eurystheus then comes and rapes the yeti before ripping off its leg and clubbing him to death with it. The townspeople thank Eurysheus but he gets severely drunk and burns the town to the ground. Hercules is then blamed for waking the yeti and gets his fingers and arms broken by a neihboring village. Eurystheus saves Hercules and rapes the king of the townspeople with a crown and scepter before killing everyone. He then beats Hercules and Hercules, defencless, is then thrown into the ocean and raped and killed by a giant duck-billed platypuss.

Alternate Adventures 1[edit]

Hercules was walking the the garden at night when he heard a sound. The sound was a distraction to get his back turned and it worked. Erupting from the bushes was a tribe of Mayan devil-worshippers. They ripped off hercules clothes while holding him down. "No oh God not again! Nooo!" He screamed in vain as Mayan after Mayan called out to Satan and raped him. Gilbert Gottfried famously had a vision of this event and came up with his "Oogoo" joke. Several hours later the last Mayan finished and Satan was summonned. Hercules saw this but was still held down and could do nothing. Satan then shoved a pitchfork up Hercules ass and opened a portal to Hell. For fun Satan decided to kick everyone through the portal and Hercules cried because he knew Satan would rape him to death. Zeus suddenly arrived to stop Hercules from being raped but Eurystheus appearred out of nowhere, stuck a gun up Zeus' ass and pulled the trigger. He then raped Hercules and beat the shit out of Satan. He then commanded Satan to eat it which he quickly did. Satisfied, but angry anyway, Eurystheus continually punched Satan in the balls until he died.

Further Adventures 3[edit]

Eurystheus awakens covered in his own semen with his dick implanted in a dead Hercules' ass. Sighing in disgust he rapes the limp carcass and then sacrifices him. He summons his new girlfriend to his chambers & commands her to arrive in 3 minutes although she lives over a mile away. She arrives but is 30 seconds late so Eurystheus beats the shit out of her and then has her clean it. Many disturbing things are done involving household items and then she, near death, is fed to a pack of carnivorous gazelles. Hercules returns and is sent out to find an ancient tome of knowledge. On his way over, however, a pack of drunk Irishmen club him into unconciousness and shove acorns up his ass. A squirrel attempts to obtain these nuts but is drowned halfway in by the gallons of semen in Hercules ass. Hercules neglects to remove it & he contracts AIDS. He dies two weeks later.

Angered at Hercules failure, Eurystheus opens a portal to heaven & rapes several angels relentlessly before finding Hercules & beating him for over an hour straight. Zeus attempts to ban Eurystheus but is instead shot in the face & killed. Eurystheus then forcefully bends Athena over and rapes her to death. Nobody can stop Eurystheus who rapes all of heaven & unleashes the wrath of Hades & hell. He then rapes Hades to death with a sponge & chucks him into a pit of anacondas. After witnessing the carnage Hercules attempts to flee. He runs a few feet but is quickly apprehended and despite crying, begging, & pissing himself he is once again violently raped by a fully enraged Eurystheus who also ear bangs him to death.

Eurystheus returns to Earth in a carriage with Hercules being dragged across the ground. Hercules violently bounces off of rock & has several sharp objects imbed themselves in his back. He is dragged through city streets where people laugh at him & throw hot coals on him. Finally he is strung up in a town square & raped repeatedly. Enraged in a bar fight, Eurystheus rapes the town to death & lights it on fire. It burns to the ground with a still tied up Hercules screaming within. In order to spare him the fate of burning alive Eurystheus shoves a stick of dynamite up his ass and runs laughing.

Hercules is exiled on a mountain but a giant boulder falls and splats him. Hercules is then resurrected in a busy city and attempts to find a safe haven. He goes down a dark alley but comes out unscathed & narrowly avoids beheading by a carriage with a sword protruding out the side. Laughing at his fortune Hercules manages to incur the wrath of the Bird God and one million crows attack him and eat him alive. The other civilians shrug and ignore it.

Herc angrily returns home and spits on a sleeping Eurystheus. Upon seeing the rage in Eurystheus' eyes Hercules shits himself and shoots himself in the head in order to avoid Eurystheus wrath. The Gods, however, mortified by the prospect of Eurystheus seeking revenge on heaven, send Hercules directly back to Eurystheus who then rapes Hercules with a stick of butter and drowns him in an unflushed toilet bowl. While Eurystheus is distracted Cereberus rapes and kills his favorite teddy bear and shits on his bed leaving a note which has Geico claim responsibility. Eurystheus blames his insurance company Geico and shoves the gecko up Hercules ass. He then rapes Hercules which also causes the gecko inside of him to die. He rapes Hercules so violently that Hercules legs are broken and then he leaves him screaming and crying to die. Cereberus comes to kill Hercules but stops to admit that he shit on the bed and would rape all of Eurystheus stuffed animals and blame it on insurance salesman. Eurystheus allows Cereberus to rip off Hercules penis and rape him with it but then viciously attacks Cereberus from behind. Hercules watches in terror knowing that he will be raped and killed by whomever wins. He is wrong however because a group of flying monkeys swoop down instead and rape him to death with bananas. Eurystheus rips the monkeys in half and chucks the bodies at Cereberus. He then uses the dead body of Hercules and flails at Cereberus until he dies. He then shits in Cereberus' mouth and leaves him to rot. Thus the final battle was finished but Hercules' long struggle was not over...

Where Are They Now?[edit]

hercules was a douche. he had completely turned mental im mean for god sake he killed his own children who the fuck does that? sick bastard. any way herclues was gay with xena princess and actually lived in australia with always watching them when they got it on. o and he was very very strong but everyone knew he was compensating for the lack of his man hood with massive fuck off muscles. apparently he is the only person who can kill the fuck off formation (phalanx)and live to tell the tale though hes dead no cause he annoyed a rock which fell on him

Death, sort of[edit]

Prophesy predicts that Hercules will die when his right pectoral launches a sneak attack against his left pectoral. Hercules's head will be crushed between them. His carcass will be devoured by his arch rival and pseudo-lover, Xena: Warrior Princess.