Heresy of Marinara

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Chef Boyardee's Marinara Machine.


In 1493 Christopher Columbus brought the tomato to Europe from the New World. Attempting to return to Portugal, his expert navigational skills brought him instead to the small town of Marinara, located on the northern coast of Italy. A young fisherman by the name of Eduardo Boyardee stole the tomatoes and began growing them in a concealed olive grove on the grounds of the local abbey. After several months of experimentation, Boyardee created a simple sauce from the tomatoes and olives and began to corrupt the Holy Noodle Ceremony. Tempted by the sweet basil aroma, he converted the parishioners of the region, and rose to the position of Holy Chef.

By 1510 Chef Boyardee had made sweeping, yet tasty, changes to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. When Boyardee claimed that the Holy Noodle Ceremony should include Marinara without meatballs, a schism formed in the church. The Meatballists proved, through powerful logic, that meatless noodles violated one of the fundamental core principals of FSM - Meatitude, which represents power and strength. To the Meatballists, a vegetarian god was a weak god.

Nonetheless, in 1515 Chef Boyardee rose to supreme power in the Church, spreading his heresy and sauce worldwide. How Boyardee took the reigns of power from The Codifier remains a mystery, although some believe that he was corrupted by the Teriyaki Jihadists, and used a squadron of commando Ninjas to defeat The Codifier's Pirate security force.

The Boyardean Sect survives to this day, although their activities are limited to giving out samples in supermarkets, and vandalizing web pages.