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~ Iggy Pop on Heroin

“Hey! Baby, stop fuckin' around with my shotgun, and put the needle back too, we're high enough. HEY, there's more than one hit in that, and I'm good already, stop! OUCH! HEY!”

~ Kurt Cobain on Heroin

“It's my wife and it's my life.”

~ Lou Reed on Heroin

“Gimmie some!!!”

~ Steven Adler on Heroin

“Finally, an article about me!”

~ Mother Theresa on Heroin(e)

“This should have less addiction and abuse potential than morphine.”

~ Bayer Pharmaceutical Co. on Heroin

“Certainly this should have much less addiction and abuse potential than heroin!”

~ Bayer Pharmaceutical Co. on OxyContin

“You're getting tested 'cause of a weed bust, eh? Try this shit, it gets outta your system way quicker, so you won't get caught!”

~ A random teenager on hard drugs, shitty drug policies and irony
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Heroin.
Delicious Bayer heroin. Also available in grape flavor.

Heroin is a substance injected into your veins in order to feel like you've had 1,000,000 orgasms at once. Always comes in packs with tissue, and an instruction booklet provided by Pfizer. Current tagline is "Drug of champio" (the writer died because of an overdose before he could finish typing the letter "N" - shit happens). Very often people will mistake the substance for being "addictive," but we really know that they are just a bunch of pussies who need to suck it up and get a job. Heroin has many uses around the house, including, but not limited to: a window cleaner, scum and dirt removal, Oxy Clean, Music Production, being Black, anti-diarrheal, cough suppressant, and penis reducer/enlarger. It is also useful for becoming "God". Not recommended for dogs/cats/birds. Or robots. God knows why.

History of use[edit]

Hip musician types are always involved in the takin' of the heroin, ya know.

Discovered by Kurtvs Cobainvs De Morphinivs Injectvs cum de Armvs in Germany's red light district of Poland during the the early 1800s, heroin was used as a fashionable way to see into the future. It was believed that Cobainvus saw a long narrow tube very close to his nose and eyes, a tube that almost seemed to be in his mouth (some claimed he was a homosexual). Scholars now believe it was a modern day shotgun. Also it was later noted that Kurtvs also believed that he saw "Nirvana."

History of Heroin[edit]

Heroin was first processed in 1874 by Dr. Steven Adler, the drummer for the famous classic rock band Guns N' Roses. He had been experimenting with drugs, and combining morphine with various acids. He boiled anhydrous morphine alkaloid with acetic anhydride over a stove for several hours, and forgot about it until the next day when he woke up and realized he produced a more potent, acetylated form of morphine. Dr. Adler tested the substance on his dogs. Dogs showed great enthusiasm, got up, walked out the house, flew to France where they opened the first Ikea store and eventually started the "French Connection"

The sudden leave of his dogs had a profound effect Dr. Steven Adler. After witnessing his wife, Mee Suhk Phuk Yu Nau, publicly giving oral sex to a Greek athlete, Dr. Adler decided to cook up some of the same stuff he gave to his dogs in order to become more enthusiastic about his own life. After injecting Diacetylmorphine into the vain protruding from the left side of his head temple, Adler experienced something he could only describe as "inserting your penis into an underage Polynesian virgin while on a visit to R.Kelly's Neverage Ranch in Pedophilia, Pennsylvania"

He called his invention, Heroin, after deflowering 46 Polynesians virgins in a matter of twelve minutes. His actions were called heroic by R.Kelly, and since Diacetylmorphine was responsible for his improved performance, and attitude towards underage females, he christened diacetylmorphine heroin. He then went on to create Guns n' Roses a folk band dedicated to spreading the benefits of heroin use. Their debut album, "Appetite for Heroin" became the biggest album of the year, selling over five trillion billion megabytes. Their songs such as Mr.Brownstone, It's So Easy, Welcome to the Jungle, Nightrain, Paradise City....ahhh fuk it, the whole CD is about heroin!!!, created a whole new heroin user fan base.

After a successful debut, and an equally successful studio EP called "LIES! Heroin is not Addictive" dropped and sold more than Frank Lucas did on 116th St. in Harlem in the 1970's. The success of both albums was attributed to the heroin drumming of Dr. Steven Adler. Axl Rose, the useless, whining, victim of child abuse who performed Oral Sex on his Grandfather, the "unofficial" leader of the band unexpectedly fired Dr. Steven Adler for in mid-1988, while Guns N' Roses was on tour, an intoxicated Adler punched a streetlight after an argument about whether the Sun shines brighter than the street lamp. In the process Dr. Adler broke his hand, and used more heroin to kill the pain his hand was giving him. Being the Cinderella Axl Rose is, he hired a Matt Scrotum, the member of "Babyshambles" as the official drummer of the Guns N' Roses. Dr. Steven Adler never recovered from his fight with a streetlamp, and eventually settled his differences with the Lamp. They are now best friends, with Dr. Adler spending many nights sleeping under the safe watch of the street lamp.


Injecting, commonly referred to as "plunging the toilet", is the most effective way of saving your life. Snorting and smoking that shit is good too, but you was...DAMN I"M WASTED!!! WOOOHOOO. Diesel makes it bareable to watch the Life Time network. Masturbation is fun too.So are blow jobs.

Spongebob and Hillary Clinton takin' heroin.

This one time, I was in my car with heroin, and heroin was all like, "Dude, are you just going to take that shit?" I was all like, "You go girl!", and heroin was all like, "BITCH, WHY YOU GOTTA BE IN MY GRILL?". Then heroin shot me. It was a deeply troubling odyssey that touched billions of lives. Well, yeah... I'm not in the mood for typing anything more. I just wanna *yawn* lay down. I'm just going to...yeah...I...sg.s.hdhw....

Yes Sir, these two fine young humans perfectly described the way heroin enters the brain, shuts all the doors, closes all the air vents, and gently suffocates all your endorphins so that she can have her way with your opiate receptors.

As soon as you snort, inject, or smoke your heroin, she gracefully struts through your veins, and bathes herself in your blood, so that she disguise herself as a princess when she bows down before thy brain. The brain takes her, and sits her right by the Mu opioid receptors. Then she gently flirts with those horny endorphins, and one by one, suffocates them and drops them down the empty abyss so that she can take the seat on the throne the horny endorphins occupied.

She then spreads her legs for the Mu receptor. The receptor cannot resist, Heroin is so much attractive then all endorphins combined. She looks so good, he can't resist, and inserts his tentacle into her puddin' and they create magic! Trillions of Billions of Millions of dollars of dopamine flood every brain receptor, causing massive orgasms exploding in every cell that functions for this fine human being named Samantha.

As Samantha, our 16 year old Kensington High School student, removes the needle from her pale white arm, she's satisfied. No more worries, it's only her and the way her body is making her feel. The noisy stinky bathroom does not bother her. Those Puerto Rican hoe's talking that spanish bullshit, don't even budge her.

She is satisfied. No more fears, no more painful memories of her father striking her mother, and fondling her at nights, while both he and she shoot heroin. No remorse for her little brother troy, being sold as a prostitute to the pedophiles so that both daddy and Samantha can get their fix, and so that mommy can relax and suckle on her glass dick.

Heroin is beautiful.

Enhancing the high[edit]

If you really want to enhance the high, drink Russian amounts of vodka, take 10 2mg Alpralozam tablets, plus another 5-10 Klonopin pills, huff a rag dripping with chloroform, and plunge yourself with about 6-30 grams of pure japan black heroin that has been mixed with liquid LSD (a very weak form of asprin) then with a stabbing force slam the horse size needle into your neck and push down. You might die, but HEY! Who Cares! You're High!!!! Of course as with all heroin related overdoses, you are only dead for about 2-3 days then you usually wake up in the mourge with the doctor anally penetrating you with his finger.

Chuck Norris and roundhouse kicks have absolutely nothing to do with enhancing a heroin high. Please take that shit somewhere else you dolt.

Slang Terms[edit]

Scoring heroin is often referred to as "choking the dragon", based on the common 19th century practice of throttling travelers from the Orient and then stealing any opiates they had in their possession. Such attacks were often misconstrued as a type of BDSM foreplay, hence "poof the magic dragon".

Other slang terms include:

  • Pumping Diesel
    • Cobainos
  • Aich Faiiiv
  • Plunging the toilet
  • Doin' the Bobby Brown
  • Smack
  • Doin' the Doherty
  • Chasin' the Whitney
  • Wonder Woman
  • Horse
  • The Fall of Troy
  • Diesel
  • Blue Magic
  • IMAX Theater
  • Real Estate
  • He scores, he shoots!
  • John Smith
  • Sex
  • Kompot (The strongest heroin even made, ironically it was produced in Poland again...)
  • gear
  • H
  • Brown
  • Topic
  • Wikipedia
  • Fatal Reality
  • Hands of Love
  • Allhiphop.com
  • Anal Va-jay jay
  • Golden brown texture like sun, Lays me down with my mind she runs, Throughout the night, No need to fight, Never a frown with golden brown
  • HER Only sIN
  • Marijuana


  • Aluminium is the preferred method of ingesting heroin in Poland. Users place the brown shit on top of an aluminium foil, drop a tiny amount of water, and proceed to light up the bottom of the aluminium and inhale the heron smoke with a glass pipe commonly referred to as a "fifka". The user then experiences something that can only be described as "100,000,999.26 orgasms at once". The user then becomes God and is the master of his own destiny for the duration of the drug being attached to the opioid receptors. After the high wears off, the users instinctively goes back to the nearest gate referred to as "Brama" in Esperanto, and waits for another customer so that he or she can score a "cwiara" (a quarter). For more information about heroin use in Poland, be sure to download the following instructional audio tapes.

Trzyha/WarszaFski Deszcz - "Aluminium" excerpts include

"Detoks, jaki detoks? Po co w chuja walisz/ detoks miales, caly czas palisz",

"patrz na te oczy bez wyrazu to bramowiec/ nie wiesz o co chodzi?, to wez sie kurwa dowiedz"

"to boli, wymknelo sie z pod kontroli, now ofiary alumiunium folji/ coraz wiecej zombi w metropoli/ powiedz jak ty mogles wszystko tak spierdolic"

Tede - "Ona Jest Zwykla Szmata"

"cos jest nie tak z ta panna/ wyglada na zacpana"

"ona jest zwykla szmata, tylko bierze brown'a za to/ z klientami cpa to, ona jest zwykla szmata"

"seks maszyna napedzana hera, full opcja, bo jest despero"


AluminUM, without an I (silly Brits), is also the most common method of ingestion of "H" in the good old Grand Canyon state. They call it chiva (Spanish for goat- WTF?). Except we don't have to add water, or use anything better than a pen with both ends cut off to suck in the smoke. Funny thing is, coincidentally, I'm half Polish descent, so is my dealer, and his dealer... Seriously. But THAT dealer's dealer is probably Mexican, which is why it's still so cheap. Sadly, that ain't even unencyclopedic.I like to eat chickens.

Tucson, AZ[edit]

Smoking is far from the most common method of ingestion here just north of the border.. It's bang it or bust down in Old Tucson. The shit's so good compared to other areas of the country (except perhaps Detroit or Manhattan) on a price/quality ratio that you may as well not waste the shit. I think the above poster might have meant "cheebah," but that might just be how us stupid gringos spell it. In Tucson, it's more commonly referred to as "negro" (black) anyways. Shooting is easy if you take the time to learn what the fuck you're doing. Trick the pharmacy into thinking you're diabetic (a personal specialty), then run off with your new BDs, a plastic spoon from the corner McDonalds where you have to speak Spanish to even order, something stretchy and elastic to tie around your arm, that trusty water bottle you never can do without in the desert.. and then hunch behind a bush on the South Side where you've got the dumpy Mexican lady with 6 kids staring over at you menacingly, the cops driving by every five seconds.. and you get your shit on! However, don't overdo things, or you might wake up wearing an orange suit in the Pima County Jail. This is why your chosen bush must be highly concealed and you'd better hope that Mexican lady isn't having a bad day.

Important Information on Quitting Heroin[edit]

Quitting heroin is virtually impossible. Once you cross that line, you're done. That's it. Finito. No mas. "Trying to handle 'ron is like stepping into a quicksand full of hippo shit" - Gargamelus Pedofilicus Ruhalus Smerfus en Esperanto.

Heroin addicts have a 99.94% chance of relapsing. There are methods of treatment to tame that five hundred lb Gorilla on your back. First, there's methadone. A cheap knockoff of an opiate made by Nazis. Its side effects include standing in front of a methadone clinic at 5:46 in the mornin'/crack of dawn and/ now I'm yawnin'/ wipe the tears out my eyes/ see who's this paging me, and why?/in the dead of winter. Being a completely catatonic zombie. Pin point pupils. Penile dysfunctions. And total brain wash "pranie mozgo - en esperanto." It totally fucks your shit up, causing even worse withdrawals than heron. Then there's the NASA manufactured drug called Suboxone. Suboxone, as the name suggests, is a SUBstitute for OXYcodONE. Suboxone has been lauded by Rocket Scientist because of its ability to completely anally assault that 500lb Gorilla on your back. Not only does the Gorilla shut the fuck up, Suboxone actually replaces the Gorilla with a Playstation 3 sized Chimp.

The only known cure for heroin is death. Not only does death completely annihilate opiate addiction, it actually makes you more "famous" than you were before.

Methods for inducing death related opiate treatment include, suicide, "hoping to die in a fire", and plunging the toilet with 22 bags of Fentanyl laced Diesel. Dying a natural death is also recommended.


Editing of this page will result in a heroin overdose. Do not attempt to edit this page under any circumcisions. You will die a very peaceful death, filled with your dearest memories from your childhood, as you gently lay in God's arms. I have died four times trying to clean up the "unfunnys." Please, if you are not a heroin addict, or have never danced with the Goddess, stay away from this page, and make sure your the only thing your fingers touch, is your tiny noodle. Additionally, you'll be cursed by hearing the cry of a dying pig smashed to a metal trash can or Black Metal 24/7. To be honest, the sound is quite the same.....

Legal alternatives[edit]

See also[edit]