Hershey's

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Hershey bar
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Kingdom Fungae
Phylum Sponges
Class Urrrrus
Order Furrilus
Family Yukus
Genus Spewikuss
Species Vulgaris
Binomial Name Spewikuss vulgaris
Conservation Status Far, Far too Common


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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hershey's.

The Hershey Company is a sewage treatment company based in Hershey, Pennsylvania. It was founded by Milton S. Hershey in 1894 as Hershit, changing its name due to pressure from the FCC. During World War II, Hershey's used processed stool blocks as biological weapons agains the Nazis, inspired by the G.I slogan "Eat shit and die". War surplus lead to the creation of America's favorite carbicide.

The Hershey Bar is an American 'treat' made out of something that might just possibly be chocolate. It is a quite well-documented fact (which baffles many scientists up to this day), that Americans, alone on this planet, actually LIKE this so-called food. This may be the main reason why the many Americans are slightly chubby. The Hershey Empire, which rose to power during the Colonial Age, was one of the largest (and almost certainly the worst tasting), empires the world has ever seen.

“I'M THE KING OF UNCYCLOPEDIA!!!”

“And I'm the king of cheese!”

~ Cheeze Bro, in an attempt at coolness

“So wrong.I'm the king of cheese!”

~ Eternal Mustard

“LIAR!!!!! YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!!! CHEEZE IS EVEN IN MY FREAKIN NAME!!!!!!!!!!!”

~ Cheeze Bro, visibly upset

“I don't care what your name is! It doesn't affect the truth! And I find NO reason to be jealous of stupid fat faces!!!”

~ Eternal Mustard

“You guys seriously need to get yourselves this new product! It's called a LIFE.”

“Whoa, this isn't Wikipedia.”

History[edit]

In the Beginning[edit]

Milton Hershey, founder of the soon-to-be Hershey empire, originally found himself a penniless hobo. His once vast family fortune was squandered on gambling, a drug addiction, works of modern art, interestingly shaped salt-and-vinegar flavoured crisps (one, his favourite, was shaped a bit like Richard Nixon), and several rather large green babies. His life was on the rocks. He wondered, however, whether he could endorse something that was completely useless and sell it at a ridiculously high-price for no apparent reason. His big break came, after two of his initial projects (an 'Exploding Alarm-Clock '(Guaranteed to wake you up), and a 'Grow Your Own Radioactive Monster' kit) fused together, it left slightly revolting, gloopy mess over his mother's floor, attracting his attention. After a series of complicated experiments, he found a fortune-changing discovery: by mixing the residue with chocolate, milk, raisins, dead flies, and vomit (see Ingredients, below), a substance was created, that often made old peoples' pacemakers stop and small children cry. After more experiments, a bizarre bar which could hypnotize people was concocted, which he then arrogantly called a Hershey Bar. All was in place for a huge empire...

Hershey Takes the USA[edit]

Milton soon found out that this new Chocolate appealed to various dummies with no taste. These people were going insane with joy. This, according to them was better, than Nestle; much better than Cadbury. True, their tongues were ripped out and burned, but that was completely unrelated. Hershey Bars were worshipped as The Food of God, which was later disproved and found to be more like the food of Satan. Ah well, easy enough to make a mistake, you may say. Well, on the contrary, Hershey was becoming an ultra militant fundamentalist, of Herseyism, a new religion, helped by its superb taste. A series of military tactics brought vast swathes of the southern USA under the sway of Hersheyism. The USA was being ripped apart by a civil war.

The Chocolate Wars of Independence[edit]

Milton was a cruel dictator, sentencing people who ate any other bar to death...by chocolate, naturally. The brave Europeans tried to fight back with Cadbury bars and Nestle. Night came and Milton sneaked a shipment of Hershey bars inside the Cadbury chocolate mix. The zombifying effect of the spiked chocolate brainwashed the French, Spanish, the Germans and many others. The British (the bar's power diluted due to being dunked inside tea), fought back, but were forced to retreat to back to Canada, where they reinforced the Cadbury Canada frontier.

The Empires Strikes Out Against Europe[edit]

As the Empire conquered Alaska and Hawaii], Hershey built a chocolate capital city named Hershey-Land. It melted. He built one again. That melted too. He made another one. That burnt down, fell over and then melted...but the fourth one stayed up. This became a centre of trade, money and suicide. To celebrate, Hershey decided to invade Europe, where the hypnotism bars were wearing off. He attacked and attacked again, ruthlessly killing Europeans, dismantling Nestle and almost killed Oscar Wilde. Just as Europe was going to be completely flattened, Milton died, after finally sampling his own chocolate. His body was placed in a giant vat of Hershey's chocolate and quite promptly disintegrated. Bob Hershey, a clone of his father, believed the chocolate was amazing and forced his unnamed twin to Europe where he died completely penniless.

A rather unfortunate side-effect of the bar

Ingredients[edit]

A brave and daring experiment was set up in 1989, to find the strange secrets of the Hershey bar. The following is an extract of the trained scientist's diary reports on dismantling the bar. NOTE: This was a trained scientist dismantling the bar and repeating the same experiment at home may cause death, injury or several giant squirrels to fly in and start dismantling you. This was a small extract of a simple scientist in the Hershey factory.

Hershey brand ice-cream is often noted for its rather unique taste

OK, it's my first job. I've gotta look good. It doesn't seem bad going through a bunch of chocolate, though. It's just got chocolate in it- no wait, what's that? Oh no, that's absolutely disgusting, anything, but that thing! Well, erm, er, moving on here we have got some, er, milk, no wait erm, malk? I can't find enough cheese though, I need CHEESE! OK? What have we here, pepper, butter, a big hand, radioactive sheep, some worms, some sort of greeny, yellow hairy thing...Hey! My next door neighbour's cat, Fluffball! My next door neighbour's dog, Fido! My next door neighbour's fish, Gluppy! Wait! My next door neighbour...?!?!? I still can't find enough bloody cheese. What the hell is that-Oww! It bit me! Hey, it's moving! Help! Help! Hey, why are holding that butcher knife over my head? Oh bollocks....

(No rest of list, Scientist became one of the ingredients in the Hershey bar.)

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Jelly beans * Popcorn * Skittles * Pez
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