The town of Hertford, in Hertfordshire, England, is in fact the centre of the Universe. Forget all that cosmic inflation and no preferred observer stuff that physicists spout after drinking too much cider, Hertford occupies the precise spot on which the Big Bang took place in ca 15 billion BCE. And, by the way, one implication of this is that String theory sucks big time.
The Scientific Background
Cosmic Microwave Background Anisotropy Studies
This was discovered when careful investigation of the anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation revealed a patch of sky that carried the message "Hertfordshire County Council. Bill posters will be prosecuted".
Hawking Radiation Demonstrated Incorrect
This also explains the curious fact that there is a supermassive black hole in Fore Street which the Council has been trying, unsuccessfully, to fill in for the last 8 billion years. The continued survival of Council workers, none of whom have more than the usual number of appendages, demonstrates that supermassive Black Holes can, in fact, exist without emitting Hawking radiation.
Dark Matter Explained
It is believed that matter entering the Black Hole travels through an extremely short wormhole in Space and emerges from the arsehole of the Universe, conveniently located in Hoddesdon. As is well known, when matter enters a black hole, no information about it remains in the external universe. However, when it re-emerges, it is entirely transformed into old burger containers (brand name omitted to protect from C&D letters)
Facts about Hertford
- There is an antique shop in Hertford which contains a large, mysterious old wardrobe full of fur coats. If a child of around 10 years old wanders by accident into this wardrobe, he or she will have an immediate asthma attack.
- Hertford contains the origins of the New River. Visitors to these springs expect, but look in vain for classical nude nymphs pouring water out of cornucopias. Basically water bubbles out of a muddy hole in the ground.
- The University of Hertford is well known for its academic excellence. It has a world leading research facility in the Department of Disintermediated Semasiology, which redacts the International Journal of Twisted Balloons.