Hibernian

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Hibernian FC (commonly known as 'Hibs', 'The Hibees' and '...that draw leaves Hibernian in fifth place, still a long way off from the old firm') are an Irish football club that washed up on the shores of Leith sometime in 1875 and refused to leave, citing a niggling thigh strain and insisting on claiming back a thirty year old IOU for 500,000 potatoes.

History[edit]

Formation[edit]

Using the funds from their recently founded potato-chip farm, Hibernian Football Club and Potato Chip Farming Empire were able to set up shop, and team, in their new home of Leith on the outskirts of Edinburgh. The shirts they played their football in during those inaugural seasons were a stunning testament to their Irish roots; a beautiful concoction of green hoops on a pure white canvas, and they quickly began signing the most talented of local footballers, many of them echoing the club's proud Catholic origins. Their supporters sang the sweetest of songs, about the emerald fields of their ancestral home and the flamboyant style and swagger of their fledgling football team, and all was right in the town of Leith. Or so they thought.

Fans soon began noticing something mysterious afoot to the west. Further examination showed that, seemingly against the laws of geology, an enormous, dust-caked mirror had inexplicably grown from nothing, although this nothing was later revealed to be the town of Falkirk. On the mirror's grimy surface, fans could see themselves, dressed in the green and white, the distant background lit by their club's magnificent stadium. Something, however, was amiss. The stadium was taller, the hoops on their shirts were wider, the wallets in their pockets were fatter, and tatooed on the armpit of east stand, barely in view behind the layers of crap on the mirror's surface, were the words 'Celtic Football Club and Edinburonian Idea Stealing Empire'. One by one, player and fan alike took their green and white hoops and made their way towards the mysterious ground, following a path of fivers left by a large behorned man in a red jacket. Soon, Hibernian's stadium would be emptied of fans, its dressing rooms cleared of players, each and every one moving to the dark side.

Early Years[edit]

While the newly formed 'Celtic' team of Glasgow were turning Hibernian's former colours, players and songs into a grotesque, debauched image of their former Hibee glory, the Hibernian team struggled to rebuild. Out went the hoops, and in came a peculiar take on Arsenal's famous football strip, with the red replaced by the familiar green. The squad was rebuilt and before long new supporters arrived. Soon after, a trophy was glittering in the Hibernian trophy cabinet; The Scottish Football Association Cup, 1904. Everyone rejoiced and were optimistic that their next cup victory would be just round the corner, after all, this time they would make a vow never to sell their best players again.

Modern Times[edit]

After a record breaking seven-thousand year wait without a cup victory and players leaving in their droves for better things (sunny Moscow, beautiful Birmingham and the glittering paradise that is Glasgow), things at Hibernian F.C. are shit. The phrase 'Wee team wee cup, pub team fuck all' is a popular saying in Leith now, as the Hibs have had absolutely bollocks all else to shout about in recent years.

Rivalries[edit]

Hibernian enjoy rivalries with various football teams around the world.

Hearts[edit]

The rivalry between Hibernian FC (literal translation: 'Football Club of the Irish') and Heart of Midlothian FC (literal translation: 'collection of paving stones on the ground represented as a football team') has been alive since almost the dawn of time itself.

Seen by some as the pride of Scotland's capital city, seen by most as an unsightly wart on the previously reputable borough of Midlothian, Hearts Football Club were founded a year earlier than Hibernian in 1874. Like Hibs, Hearts were formed around an idea of community, heritage and pride. Ish. Well, they were formed around a group of fanatical football fans. Well. Ish. They were formed around people alright. Drunk people. They were formed in a pub. Nevertheless, the name the club took, Heart of Midlothian, itself has a meaning just as romantic as the name 'Hibernian'. Ish. Well, they named their club after a famous landmark of Edinburgh. That is to say, they named themselves after a collection of paving stones on the Royal Mile. Thats right, Hearts were named after... the ground.

The Celtic 'Connection'[edit]

Whereas Celtic fans see the Hibs as sort of their Irish, Catholic brethren, united in the fight against the evils of protestantism, presbytarianism, Britishness, Unionists, the UVF, Rangers, Hugh Dallas, Dallas, Milwaukee, Tom and Jerry and 'The Booger Man', Hibs fans see Celtic as simply 'yon greedy bastut club tha steals oor players 'n oor culture'. Nevertheless, the passage of a footballer from 'wee' Hibs to 'big ugly' Celtic as soon as he shows semblance of talent remains customary at the beginning, middle, and end of every season.

Honours[edit]

  • 1904 - SFA Cup Winners
  • 1905-2076 - Not SFA Cup Winners
  • 1956 - Reached semi-finals of Champions League
  • 2006 - Narrowly missed semi-finals of Champions League, due to finishing thirty points clear of the last CL spot.
  • 2007 - CBeebies Scottish Football League Cup Winners (after a fine win over The Dog and Duck FC, the only other entrants to the tournament

Notable Players[edit]

  • John Collins - Good player, soon transfered to Celtic
  • Kevin Thompson - Good player, soon transfered to Rangers
  • Derek Riordan - Good player, soon transfered to Celtic
  • Kenny Miller - Good player, soon transfered to Celtic (via Rangers)
  • Didier Agathe - Good player, soon transfered to Celtic
  • Ian Murray - Good player, soon transfered to Rangers
  • Scott Brown - Good player, soon transfered to Celtic
  • Paul Hartley - Shit player, soon fobbed off to Hearts (although under the SPL's 'Edinburgh to Glasgow superhighway' rule, this transfer was reversed after a few seasons and he now plays for Celtic)
  • Chris Killen - Average player, inexpicably sold to Celtic
Scottish Premier League, 2008-2009
Celtic · Rangers · Heart of Midlothian · Aberdeen FC · Inverness · Livingston · Bathgate · Norway · Falkirk FC · Hibs · AC Milan · Scotland · Yer Da · Dunfermline · Ayr United · Texas Rangers · Manchester United