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β€œIn Soviet Russia, small blue pistules hiccup YOU!”

~ Joseph Stalin on the Hiccups

Hiccups are small blue pistules appear<hic>ing around the hands and lips. They<hic>are painless, but disfiguring. In most case<hic> <hic> s, after a few days they go away by <hic>themselves.

In a few individuals,<hic> however, hiccups <hic>can be a symp<hic> tom of bubonic plague - if you are susceptible to plague, you should get any hiccups you might hav<hic> <hic> checked out by a doctor. Hiccups can also be caused by excessive consumption of kiwifruit, and autoerotic asphyxiation.

Ther<hic> e are many folk re<hic> medies for hiccups. These in<hic> clude:

  • Pouri<hic> ng a can of sulfuric acid over your head.
  • Pour<hic> ing a can of<hic> of ground up kitten<hic> s over your he<hic> ad (after they<hic> have been fully huf<hic> fed).
  • Reading War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy.
  • Lying <hic> down.
  • Standing up.
  • D<hic> rinking three pints of water while <hic> standing on your head.
  • Drinking<hic> three pints of vodka while standing on you<hic>r head.
  • Staying awake for 72 hours.
  • Holding your breath <hic> for 72 hours. <hic>
  • Wanking for 72<hic> hours.
  • Re<hic> ading Decline and Fall of the R<hic>oman Empire by Edward Gibbon.
  • Trepan<hic>ning.
  • Exorcism.
  • Amputation.
  • Writi<hic> ng terrible arti<hic> cles for Uncyclopedia<hic> .
  • Learn <hic> every dead<hic> baby joke in <hic> THE WORLD.
  • Get slap<hic> ped silly by friends.
  • Read <hic> every article o<hic>n wikipedia. Warning: May cause death.
  • Dr<hic> ink 46 litres of Beer while crying ov<hic> er the loss of your<hic> dog, because it<hic> ate a cow while riding it's unicycle <hic> which you<hic> bought him three month<hic> s ago for his birthday.

And sadly, none<hic> of them work. How<hic> pathetic.