Hide and Creep
|Hide and Creep|
|Directed by||Chuck Hartsell|
|Written by||Chance Shirley|
|Produced by||The state of Alabama|
|Runtime||seems like forever|
Hide and Creep is a 2004 movie directed by Chuck Hartsell and Chance Shirley (who also wrote it), hailed as one of the worst movies ever made.
A southern town is simultaneously attacked by a UFO and zombies (it is unclear whether or not the two are related or coincidental). A government agent (played by John Walker) parachutes in to investigate reports of UFO sitings. Upon arriving, he finds zombies springing from the graveyard. He is killed by one of them (this zombie virus is contageous, spread by biting). From here, the movie splits into four main stories, Pulp Fiction-esque.
Three men must defend their house from attacking zombies, which can only be killed by head wounds. One of the men is wounded in the forest, but he falsely claims it was from a tree rather than a zombie. The men leave their house, defended only by their young daughters. The go to a restaurant to find a friend, only to discover that the zombies already killed him. During this scene, the famous hand-eating takes place (see below for more info on the hand-eating scene). The two non-infected friends are forced to kill the wounded hand-eater. One of the remaining men goes to a grocery store, where he is accused of being a zombie himself. The grocery store employees begin brutally beating him, which is eventually fatal. His friend walks by the store and witnesses what is happening to him. Indicitive of the movie's well-thought-out-ness, he goes to a strip club instead of helping. "The town is being attacked by zombies and a UFO, my daughters are home alone, and my friend is being beaten to death. I think I'll go see some strippers," is what was no-doubt going through his mind. At the club, the strippers (who are topless) have been zombified and chase him out, but he learns they are afraid of the dark. He then returns home, saving his daughters, who are out of ammo.
A man is found naked in the graveyard, looking for his car and girlfriend after being briefly abducted by aliens. He goes to the police station, where he is clothed and meets up with a group of a couple other guys and the female deputy sherriff. He and she go off into town, do very little, and ultimately ending up at the same house as the man in story 1.
The town's preacher has a zombie attack him in his house, and he is forced to kill him. He is wounded in the struggle. Worried citizens of the town ask him to give an impromptu sermon later in the day, and so he sets out to go to the church. Along the way he cravers alcohol, but since it is a dry town he is forced to steal it from a woman. She attempts to stop him, but he fatally bites her. At the church, he delivers a rude sermon about his waining congregation and how it is the end of the world. He then kills a zombie who walks in the door, then commits suicide, thus completing this part of the movie.
A man is left at the police station to guard it from the zombies. He watches TV and sees his town's story in the news. He calls the station and complains that they are not airing the college football game as scheduled. He fights off a couple of zombies, and gets drunk.
The man and his two daughters in story 1 meet up with the once-nude man in story 2 and the deputy sherriff. They find the one man's girlfriend, who is also lacking clothes. She says she was abducted by aliens as well. The six of them get into a car and drive off. While driving, the man's youngest daughter (who was probably exposed to zombies alone) bites her father's hand and the car comes to an abrupt stop. The man at the police station finally gets to see the game. Yes, that is the end of the movie.
"Everything about this movie sucked," one reviewer remarked. "The acting, the dialogue, the plot, the special effects, the editing. It all sucked." This pretty much sums up reactions to this movie. Particularly laughable was the soundtrack, which sounded like it was just one mexican guy playing little riffs on his guitar in a garage. He was probably named José. Despite negative reviews, however, this movie is highly recommended over Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, as it sucky in a funny way, not just sucky. One of the biggest sources of objections to this movie is the debate over its genre. Some call it a horror movie (at which it miserably fails), others call it a comedy, or "zomcom"(at which it also miserably fails). There is no record of any person--anywhere!--being scared by this movie. And although one might break out into laughter while watching it, it would be because they were laughing at this movie, not with it.
The Hand-Eating Scene
No doubt the highlight of the movie, the most famous, most parodied (it even because a small pop culture phenomenon) part, would be the scene wherein an infected man attemps to eat himself. He fails. But it's really funny.