High Five

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High Five is perhaps the most noted gesture of greeting and celebration in existence. It just rocks. No questions asked.

you know you want to!

“Not as good as low fives”

~ Oscar Wilde on high fives


I'd like to ask a question

ITS Q&A TIME!

Q. What the hell is a high five? A. You're a Dumbass...

Q. How is a high five performed perfectly? A. Well, my perfect vision of a high five is a long 40 yard sprint leading to a smack louder than your face.

Q. Who are you? A. Well my full name is Berry Austin Stan Taylormade Astonation Rock Detonation but you can just call me B.A.S.T.A.R.D. for short. My family history was pretty standard. I got beaten with a ruler every time I finished a sentence correctly. My mum was a spanish prostitute named Maria and my dad was a bouncer at the BK lounge. On my 13th birthday I got my first black dildo. I named it Betsy. That's about it.

Q. Are you a man or a woman? A. Well, I'm both. . Q. So you're a Shemale? A. Yes.

. Q. Can I ask a question? A. No.

History[edit]

Obama about to hi-five de judge Johnny Boy Rob.

The High Five's roots and origins have been widely debated and slightly controversial (the arguments have actually led to hurt feelings and mild name calling), but most historians and experts believe it started with African Americans in slums and ghettos. It was originally a quick, dramatic alternative to the traditional hand shake, but with a shocking twist: Instead of simply shaking hands, the two “High Five-ees” would slap the other's hand. It was exhilarating (and strangely arousing) to watch.

Its current name derives from the archaic term "slapping five," an action often accompanied by the phrases "Gimmie' Five" or "Gimmie' some skin my Brotha'!"

In the 1970's, the High Five rose in status in popular culture, and could often be seen at large sporting events, such as not only baseball, but golf (most notably that time when Tiger Woods slapped his caddy in the face), volleyball and extreme yodeling. In the 1980's, its popularity increased, with the gesture's inclusion in dictionaries, movies, television, and half hour radio dramas. Despite, or perhaps in spite of its popularity, it was at this time that many people felt the High Five was "selling out." People no longer High Fived to greet someone or to celebrate, but simply to be "cool." What ever one's opinion on the matter, its cultural significance, or at least popularity, is undeniable.

Now in recent times the High Five seems to be making a curious comeback. The gesture is no longer a greeting buy more of a symbol symbol to exclude the weak. This trend has become increasingly poplur amongst college students through out the midwest. But it seems that this will not be enough to bring the High Five back to its former glory.

Execution[edit]

The High Five is a powerful and awesome force that can instill feelings of deep control (and sometimes sexual arousal) within the initiator. Simply shouting "High Five" and throwing your open hand in the general direction of any person (Thus making you the High Five Pimp) will immediately trigger a sex-slave like response within your High-Fivee (Technical Term: High Five Bitch), out of pure instinct anyone with reflexes equivalent to or higher than that of a mentally retarded third grader will immediately respond without a second thought to the matter.

Mathematical Foundations[edit]

  • Law of High Five Initiation:
  • Fonzie's Theory of High Fivery:
  • Law of High-Fiving:
  • The Law of High Five Initiation clearly shows that in any situation the High Five Pimp will always be at a level greater than that of the High Five Bitch.
  • Using Fonzie's Theory of High Fivery, it has been proven during the execution of the High Five the gravitational pull surrounding the High Five becomes infinitely stronger killing thousands of microbes due to the sheer force of itself, until finally released in a miniature Sonic Boom which resonates from the center of the High Five. Many scientists have agreed the power of the High Five can be accurately measured via the sound produced, The Clapper was a failed invention to assess High Five levels.
  • Fonzie's Theory also includes a measure for the Racial Ethnicity of any participating members, thus proving through mathematical reasoning that a high five between two White Guys will always be trumped if at least one participating member is of minority decent.


Variations[edit]

Over the years, several variants of the High Five have developed.

  • The "Jive Five", is achieved when Person A meets Person B's low, extended arm, usually below waist level.
  • The "Jump Five" is pretty much self explanatory, and consists of Persons A and B jumping in the air and High Fiving. But seriously, if you didn’t figure that out after you read the name, you’re probably a doped-up, dead-beat loser (you know, the kind who listens to Children of Bodom backwards to see if it syncs of with old movies).
  • The popular variant known as the "Face Five," is actually an exception to the traditional High Five, where Person A will pull their hand away from Person B at the last minute, causing them to miss and swing violently in the air, and perform an un-willful "Airfive" (more on that later). Person A then completes the "Face Five" by saying "In yo' face" and smackin' their hand in the face of Person B. Although this is a legal maneuver, there is no exception or clause that prevents the angry Person B from kicking the shit out of Person A.
  • An "Airfive" occurs when Person A, B, or C swings their arm in the air and comes in contact with... well, nothing.
  • The "Text Five” (or "Virtual Five") is performed by two or more people on-line (usually in a Runescape match, or on a Wikipedia page), when two people do something they believe to be cool or awesome (like, say, slay a dragon or edit a page about coleslaw). The ultimate irony of this all is that the "Text Five" is the most un-cool High Five in existence, and whatever "Cool Points" were gained before its usage, are immediately revoked upon its utilization.
  • The last, but certainly not least, is the "Ultimate Five." It is impossible to plan, and is quite frankly, the greatest celebratory gesture ever invented. An "Ultimate Five" occurs when the fast swinging palms of two High Fiving individuals meet and suction, creating an extremely loud clapping noise, which easily exceeds 163 decibels. To put this in perspective, a 747 aircraft flying overhead clocks in at around 107 decibels. The "Ultimate Five" is considered by many to be painful yet satisfying at the same time. Noted archeologist and health guru Richard Simmons recalls his first time... receiving an ultimate High-Five:

“It was grade six, and Mrs. Habberstash instructed the entire class to "give the person beside you a High Five," because we all did so well on a Math test. Suddenly, much like the sound of the microwave popcorn I don’t let my patients eat, quiet clapping sounds started so emerge. I turned to my left, only to come face-to-face with Timothy Rupert Charleston the third. He was seven and a half feet tall, weighed at least 360 pounds, and was the meanest, toughest and greasiest kid in the school. He was the kind of kid that ate kids like me for breakfast. The kind of kid that beat-up the handicapped janitor, and I was about to touch his hand. We swung our arms for the High Five, but as they hit, we didn’t feel the familiar, soft pop of the usual High Five, but instead the loudest BANG (!) we had ever heard. It was so loud, that Mr. Clayton came running in from across the hall to see if everyone was okay. Aside from my soiled underwear, we were fine.”

~ Richard Simmons on Ultimate Five

Fun Facts[edit]

  • People whose name starts with the letter combinations "Al," "E," and "J" (with the notable exception of Alfonzo, Eric, and Joe) do not know how to deliver a proper High Five. "Experts" (guys with a lot of free time on their hands) believe it has something to do with the D.N.A. structure of the select few in this tiny minority.