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Please note before reading this article that comedy is a serious matter and should be taken seriously. Do not try to be funny at home unless wearing safety goggles.

The earliest known example of comedy is the Creation, because if God didn't create all this to amuse Himself, then why the fuck bother? Take the whole evolution thing: we start out as slime, grow fins and make squeaking noises, leave the oceans, grow tails, climb trees, make grunting noises, fall out of the trees, lose the tails, stand up, move into caves, start wars, then invent politics- what else is that but stand-up comedy?

A lion and his mate share a moment of hilarity.
Come closer human... you know you want it!

While microscopic life forms are very rarely actively humorous, they have been known to carry out rather complex pranks on each other. However, dolphins, arguably one of the funniest life forms on the planet, have been observed making fun of humans, and even hosting entire comedy fests.

Comedy In Politics[edit]

In a democratic political system, you get two choices- Blue or Red (please don't pretend that Green is a real choice, it's just there for laughs). So everyone doesn't take things too seriously, these are called 'parties' and involve coloured banners and streamers, fireworks, and lots of drinking. The Blue team stands for people who like paying for their own round of golf, and wearing a tie; the Red team stands for people who like other people to pay for their round of golf, and wearing tee-shirts.

The original laugh-grabber was Abraham Lincoln, who with his trademark fake beard and stovepipe hat, created one of the greatest pranks of all time- the Emancipation of Slavery Bill, in which he decreed that Southerners could no longer use black people as slaves. To this day many Southerners resent being the butt of the joke, but the Bill was wildly popular with black voters, who quickly joined in the fun and responded by marginalising themselves in ghettoes and wiping each other out in hilarious 'drive-by shootings' and drug overdoses.

Successful political stand-up is one of the great legacies of the Founding Fathers and is enshrined in the Declaration of Independence. George Washington himself is said to have employed a dwarf called Mr Jingles who was instructed to 'goose' guests at Mount Vernon by pre-arranged signal. Famously a sufferer from depression George derived great enjoyment from observing his guests' reactions. One Senator is said to have jumped so high in the air that he impaled himself on a brass candelabra in the Crimson Drawing Room.

In Britain, Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher raised many a laugh by hitting other politicians with her famous 'handbag' which was in reality stuffed with gold bars, and awarding her morally-challenged son Mark various lucrative gun-running contracts. Hapless husband Dennis provided a handy stooge for Margaret's famous one-liners, and is immortalised in the cartoon series Dear Bill.

One of the most popular political comedians of recent times was Ronald 'McDonald' Reagan, who with his red nose and giant clown-feet and frankly hilarious monetary policies, had the world in stitches. Two other popular clowns, with a more classically 'silly' name, were the Bushes father-and-son, hilariously both called George (boy were they having a laugh!) The Bushes took turns electing one another, with help from another Bush, brother Crazy Jed, and effectively ruled the Western World for more than a decade. They introduced the hilarious term enhanced interrogation whereby people with dark skin were submerged underwater until they agreed to 'get the joke'. One of them managed to hold out for 187 consecutive 'joke' sessions until finally succumbing and literally vomiting with laughter.

This my friends, is a perfect example of a comedian.

Political Doubleacts[edit]

Nixon & Kissinger, Bush & Cheney, Blair & Brown- who doesn't have their favourite comedy duo?

Comedy in Film[edit]

Starfire is unfunny.jpg

Movie comedies are known to be one of the most common failures in history. It is estimated that approximatley 5% of movies advertised as comedies are actually funny, while most others are random movies with "comedy" slapped below their names in order to lure poor unsuspecting victims into watching them. Luckily, there are a few methods of determining whether or not a film is, in fact, a comedy:

  • Check if it has talking animals (especially 3 dimensional ones). If this is true, avoid the movie at all costs. Movies containing nothing but talking animals are the most dangerous type of fake comedy, known to cause DEATH.
  • Check if it is a romantic comedy. These often screw over comedy completely, for reasons unknown.
  • Does it contain politics? If so, it's probably a load of BS, HAIL ANARCHY!!!!!
  • Does it contain a moral? If so, its not funny. It is an evil attempt to make you be nicer. Avoid at all costs.
  • Does the movie contain any actors you don't like? This will make the movie bad. Why people care is a well known psychological mystery.
  • Is it in a foreign language? If it is, you wont understand it, and you'll be like "DOOD I CANT UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS BEH SAYIN!".
  • Is it a very famous film? If so, regardless of the actual quality of the movie, the Internet will inevitably beat every single one of the film's jokes to death. Eventually, all copies of the movie will be melted down and remolded as trash receptacles.
  • Is it made by Disney? If so, it's a pile of shit, even though Disney will probably make about a billion dollars off of it)

"Comedy is were people say stupid things to make you laugh, for stupid mindless idiots" -Britnay spears''on comedians'''on not doing'

Universal Humour[edit]

Who says you can't have sex with aliens?

Universal Humour is a form of training developed by NASA to prepare astronauts for their journey into the depths of space. Mostly top secret, training is thought to include pie-in-the-face and other slapstick routines, such as carrying a long plank and whacking fellow astronauts round the head with it, which NASA calls a 'docking manoeuvre'. Astronauts have to memorise classical one-liners such as, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, do the other trees split their sides laughing?" in case they meet aliens and need to talk their way out of a tricky situation.

Comedic Timing and Delivery[edit]

In comedy, timing is everything. Imagine telling a joke, then saying, "...and I'll be back next year with the punchline!" Joseph Stalin was able to pull it off, but only because anyone who didn't laugh a year later was shot and boiled in acid. Most dreaded of all were his '5-Year Jokes', and Russians are still nervous about humour several generations later. Indeed it was the young Stalin who coined the expression 'punchline', by making his younger brothers and sisters stand in a line while he hit them, as punishment for refusing to laugh at his many puerile jokes.

Before and during World War II, Adolph Hitler liked to perform stand-up routines in front of crowds of hundreds of thousands of serious-minded young Germans, including his famous shouting and fist-waving routines, which were clearly a homage to his hero Charlie Chaplin. Hitler also imitated Chaplin's trademark moustache, causing Winston Churchill to utter the immortal comment, "Let's bomb Dresden!"

God Himself, the Great Comedian, was a master of comic timing. One of his greatest jokes was the Parting of the Red Sea. In this routine- which owes much to the late, great Benny HIll, the Jews were allowed to escape the Egyptians because Moses pushed a hidden lever thus causing the waters of the Red Sea to part. Once the Jews were through and safe on dry land, Moses released the lever and the Egyptians were all drowned.... I guess you had to be there at the time to appreciate the true hilarity of this event, but anyhow, trust me- it was a hoot.

Proper Usage[edit]

The proper use of comedy is essential. Used improperly, it can easily backfire, potentially causing serious injury. See ATP. Comedy should be used where it is unexpected, but never where it is unwanted.

Proper Response[edit]

Shakespeare's comedy remains widely appreciated today for having been written by William Shakespeare.

The proper response to comedy is, under ideal circumstances, a rapid exhalation of air, with a light application of the vocal chords on the outbreath. This produces the following noise: ha ha ha ha ha, or occasionally glug glug glug or achihi. In addition, bodily fluids may also be expelled from certain, less internally stable individuals, causing more air exhalations from their surrounding neighbors and possibly creating an infinite loop that depletes the room of oxygen and living people. Most people will find that these air exhalations come as a natural response if the comedy is actually funny, otherwise you may have to force the effect out of politeness. This may be required if comedy is being delivered as an after dinner speech, where the absence of laughter may be an embarrassing indication of ass-facedly assembled jokes.

Serious = Funny too.

Comedy Contamination[edit]

A simple rule of comedy: When producing humor it is important to understand that one stupid paragraph in a well done article doesn't make the whole article stupid, but place one well done paragraph into a stupid article and the paragraph becomes as stupid as the rest of the article. We call this law "The law of things that are true for some reason".

An example of this law in action would be to insert a stupid uncyclopedia paragraph in between some lines of shakespeare. For instance:

In sooth, I know not why I am so sad:It wearies me; you say it wearies you; But how I caught it, found it, or came by it, What stuff 'tis made of, whereof it is born, I am to learn; And such a want-wit sadness makes of me, That I have much ado to know myself.

This was When zombies ruled the earth some 400 kazillian billion years ago and giant robots landed on Mt. Everest and created Barack Obama. Then a great Zork desendd from the skies and ate Obama. This was known as the great feasting of 400 kazillian billian B.C.

Note how Shakespeare doesn't look any more stupid for having an idiotic paragraph attached at the end.

Now note the opposite:

Mental illness was invented in 1942 by a japanese salesman from Nantucket. The way to tell if someone is insane is to xray there head when they arent looking. If the xray is full of loose screws then they are bat fuck insane. Throw magnets at the crazy person and they will go away. When crazy people sleep at night its like; Your mind is tossing on the ocean; There, where your argosies with portly sail, Like signiors and rich burghers on the flood, Or, as it were, the pageants of the sea.

Enough said...

Also See[edit]

Do Not See[edit]

Shakespeare 2.jpg
The complete works of William Shakespeare
Tragedies: Antony and Cleopatra | Coriolanus | Hamlet | Julius Caesar | King Lear | Macbeth | Othello | Romeo and Juliet | Timon of Athens | Titus Androgynous | Titus Andronicus | Troilus and Cressida
Comedies: A Midsummer Night's Dream | All's Well That Ends Well | As You Like It | The Comedy of Errors | Cymbeline | Love's Labour's Lost | Measure for Measure | The Merchant of Venice | The Merry Wives of Windsor | Much Ado About Nothing | Pericles, Prince of Tyre | Taming of the Shrew | The Tempest | Twelfth Night | The Two Gentlemen of Verona | The Two Noble Kinsmen | The Winter's Tale
Histories: King John | Richard I | Richard II | Henry IV, Part 1 | Henry IV, Part 2 | Henry V | Henry VI, part 1 | Henry VI, part 2 | Henry VI, part 3 | Henry VIII | Richard III | Richard IV | Richard V | Richard VI | Richard VII | Richard VIII | Richard IX | Richard X
Poems and Sonnets: Venus and Adonis | The Rape of Lucrece | The Passionate Pilgrim | The Phoenix and the Turtle | A Lover's Complaint | Sonnet 18