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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Hillel.

“Teach you the whole Torah while you stand on one foot? That which is hateful to you, do do unto your neighbor, so get off my lawn before I plow my foot through your ass”

~ Hillel on People who ask too many fucking questions

Oscar Hillel was a Jewish rabbi who lived sometime before that Jesus guy. He was born in Babylon but moved to Zion in his late teens, taking the advice of a song he had heard during a Rasta jam session. In Jerusalem he became a bleeding-heart social activist, at one point camping out on the skylight of the Great Study Hall in protest over the cafeteria's refusal to provide a soy-based vegan alternative on "Fleischig Friday". Hillel's vigil lasted eight days and nights, largely because no one had noticed him go up there or cared enough to wonder where he was.

Hillel went on to start his own deli, "Deli on the Hill", and amassed a large following of people who enjoyed his inventive custom-made matzoh sandwiches. This earned Hillel the honored title of "Chief Iron Chef of Judea".

Unfortunately, Hillel's popularity also earned him the wrath of a rival rabbi, Alphonse Shammai. Shammai was a local crank who spent most of his time at the neighborhood Kinko's making posters and manifestos detailing the many ways in which everything Hillel did was wrong. This eventually erupted into the first Jewish gang war of 0 CE. The war lasted for a year, and included many incidents of line-crossery, such as prank phone calls and camel-by stonings. The violence peaked in a glorious crescendo of pain when the two leaders attempted to resolve their differences with a "Yo Mama so Roman" contest, which Hillel won. In shame, Shammai committed seppuku.

Hillel lived to the ripe and decrepit age of 120, at which point he was cremated. As per Jewish tradition, his ashes were inserted between two pieces of matzoh and shot into space. After Hillel's death, his Iron Chef title and deli franchise passed to his third-cousin-twenty-three-times-removed, Hillel the Younger, who at that point had already won the hearts and stomachs of the populace. Hillel the Younger's biggest personality plusses included being able to feed himself, and not smelling like mothballs. Tragically, just as Hillel the Younger was starting to warm up to his new job, he was eaten alive by anti-Semitic locusts. The two Hillels' memories are commemorated each year on the Jewish Holiday of Yom Ha-Sandwich.


You may have mistakenly clicked on this link looking for the Jewish College Association "Hillel". This can be found under the Unnecessary Wastes of College Funds article.