Hilo High School

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Hilo High School
Recognize the logo? That's right, taxed from the Minnesota Vikings
Motto "When in doubt, whip it out."
Established 1940
School type Heterosexual
Head Gandalf
Location Hilo, Hawaii, Old England
Campus Crap
Endowment 7 kilos
Faculty One per each bitch
Mascot Leif Ericksons

Hilo High School is a co-ed, former-Jedi, semi-democratic high school located in Hilo, Hawaii. Although known mostly for its good dating services and high drug trafficking rates, Hilo High takes pride in being one of the first schools to have every sport known to mankind but lose at all of them except girl's elephant races. As of 2006, Hilo High has the highest rates of fights per day (19.4) and the lowest amount of graduations (1.7%) of all the schools in Hawaii.


Hilo High School was founded by Godzilla, a Japanese mythical beast also referred to in history as "Hirohito". Meant to educate future leaders of tomorrow, Hilo High was constructed upon the ruins of the former Hitler's All Day Camp for Misguided Little Boys. Upon the extensive excavation of massive pits filled with Atari 2600's ET the Extraterrestrial game, the first building, A, was built. Godzilla, feeling a bit betrayed by the outcome of the 1977 World Series, turned his back upon the school for a brief period, placing it under the dictatorship rule of the The Tribe Called Quest.

The Tribe Called Quest Era (1977 - 1977)[edit]

The Tribe Called Quest summoned upon their rather small fan tree to find acceptable educators for the now 15 student school. The first teacher of Hilo High was the very charismatic and rather loony Obi-Wan Kenobi, followed by the short but always fun Yoda. After the hiring of those two proven professors, the Tribe Called Quest went off to an inter-galactic concert, from which they never returned. Godzilla, returning from his adventures in the Land of the Lost, resumed command of the school.

Godzilla Era (1978 - 1986)[edit]

Godzilla set off on a campaign for reform, setting to fire the other two schools in Hilo. Godzilla then implemented a drastic plan of academic change, usurping the Jedi teachers in favor of more conservative teachers in the forms of nuclear androids. After a deadly meltdown in the summer of 1980, Godzilla set his sights on the more traditional form of educators in the market, immigrants. By this time Hilo High had evolved into a student body of over 5 million. Godzilla's reforms brought way to unisex bathrooms, liposuction clinics, and of course, a pool. After the 1986 school year Godzilla was killed by the American actor Matthew Broderick, who grew jealous of Godzilla's many advances to his mother.

The Principal Era (1986 - Present)[edit]

After the tragic downfall of Godzilla, many speculated the next leader of Hilo High School. Although possible candidates included: Spike Lee, the background dancers of Ricky Martin, and George Steinbrenner, the age of democracy pulled through. Elected by his peers, Sir Ian McKellen finally took on the role of principal, with his butt buddy Christopher Lee as Vice Principal.


Hilo High School is known for its unimpressive athletic program run by Richard Simmons. Coaching everything from cricket to swimming, Simmons was signed for a 12 year, 200 million contract that would make him a free agent in 2020. Hilo High has won seven Special Olympic medals in the ringside brawl category, as well as a Gold Medal in the Munich Olympics for most racially influenced successive kills in an hour.


The Hilo High Football team has finished dead last in the NFL for the past 80 years, solely based on the fact that they are playing in the NFL. The team captain is Quarterback Sid Atkinsons, who has not left the school since its founding in 1940 after failing 66 consecutive years. Atkinson holds the national record for most passes completed (18,965), most touchdowns while over 80 (1), and of course most grandchildren of a high school football player (9). Hilo High's crosstown rivals, the Hilo High Spaniards, fight over the New World trophy each year in a battle known by everyone as "pointless".


Hilo High won the Interscholastic Baseball Tourney in 1876, despite being nearly 70 years before it was established. This is the only known tourney win from the Vikings, who last year went a dismayal (2 - 78) after losing their 5-game winner Scotty Pippen, to Michael Jordan surgery. Notable baseball alumni are: Andruw "Humphrey" Jones, Bill Nye the Science Guy, Bob Saget, half of the cast of Grounded for Life, Spongebob Squarepants, and of course the heavily decorated Aragorn Arathorn.


The following classes were all offered in Hilo High's 2006 - 2007 school year catalog:

  • - Digimon: Digital Monsters 1, 2, 3, Honors, AP
  • - Band 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
  • - Bounty Hunting 1
  • - How to detect Ghosts 1, 2, 3
  • - Jedi Training: Padawan, Apprentice, Knight, Master
  • - Sith Training: Horned dude, cloak guy, lighting bolt guy, breathing-funny guy
  • - Physical Education through Dance and other aerobics 1, 2, 3, 4
  • - Living with AIDS 1, 2
  • - Scrapping 1, 2, 3, 4
  • - AP Moke Study
  • - Defense Against the Dark Arts 1, 2, 3, 4
  • - Defense Against yourself 1, 2, 3 ,4
  • - Kidnappers and You 1, 2, 3


Hilo High has been known for its great set of teachers who are committed, to both school and the Hawaii State Prison System. Although numbering 1 to about 75,000, teachers maintain the quality of learning to a bearable extent. The Head Teacher, King Arthur, broke his record for the longest period without impaling a student on Excalibur to five minutes. This was a grand feat indeed, celebrated by further attacking five others in a massive sword orgy.


Hilo High is currently ranked number 14502 on the BCS Poll, just behind dirty gym socks and the last president of Zumonda, Eddie Murphy

Alma Mater[edit]

The Alma Mater, written by Randy Newman, describes a day in the life of Russell Crowe. Although it is against the law to publish the lyrics upon a site like this, the lyrics includes the words "whore" and "foul-tasting" at least five times each.

Notable Graduates[edit]

  • Dolores Umbridge: Voted most likely to persecute Mudbloods; Currently is a bitch (Class of '57)
  • Optimus Prime: Voted most likely to be a human; Currently a Transformer! (Class of '77)
  • Ted Turner: Voted most likely to buy a baseball team, treat it like shit, then abandon it when it actually shit; Currently owns TV channels (Class of '43)
  • Tiger Woods: Voted most likely to succeed...many times; Currently profession golfer (and man whore) (Class of '87)
  • Zac Efron: Voted most likely to have a name that reminds people of "Enron"; Currently a man pimp (Class of '99)
  • Bowser: Voted most likely to resemble a turd with horns; Currently a network executive for Lifetime Movie Network (Class of '68)
  • Ryan Seacrest: Voted most likely to be gay in 4 - 5 years; Currently hosts a show with too many seasons (Class of '98)
  • Clay Aiken: Voted most likely to be gay in a few seconds; Currently helping poor people by singing to them (Class of '02)