History of Finland

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Finland looks like testicles. Possibly.

General Geddy (Lee)[edit]

Finland was settled sometime befo re the butt crack of dawn by some people from the Volga Bend in Russia. These people apparently ate lots of animal cum ancould not read a map and thought they were going somewhere a bit warmer with some nice sun, a few beaches, maybe some pubs where they could get smashed...you know, the things all people want for a good life. But instead they ended up in Finland. After a while they got invaded by Sweden, but being Finns, they dealt with it. Then they got invaded by the Russians, which activated a long dormant Russian hating gene within every Finn that has been active ever since. The Germans tried to invade them also, during World War 2: The Attack Of Aryan Clones. But Finns say, No Way! and kick them to the hairy German arses. These sites where people can type what they want. Give me a fucking break how can you ever trust the shit coming out of here. Finns have beaten up more nations in close proximity than any other with a population smaller than that of the opponent. This has made the current population lazier than the previous generation, resulting in larger backsides than a hundred years ago.


Finland was made immediately after Norway and Sweden. Apparently exhausted from sculpting all those craggy fjords and mountains and generally being creative for a change, the designer realized it was almost quitting time, and decided to just put in a million trees on perfectly flat land and throw in a ton of lakes in case anyone complained about the monotony. The dawn of Finland is not really known. This is because there is, in fact, no dawn to be seen in Finland. Either the sun is up all the time, or it never bothers to rise. It is widely perceived that Finland stayed uninhabited far longer than neighboring countries. Another view on the matter is that the Finland was inhabited after all, but other people just weren't informed on this matter. Poor communication has also been attributed to the fact that everyone else calls the country Finland, except for Finns themselves, who call it Suomi (past tense of verb "lash out" in English), which is Finnish for "Why couldn't we have followed the other half of the tribe to Hungary? But nooo, we just had to follow Juho all the way up here. Well I'm not voting for him again, you can guarantee that."

It was later discovered that Juho led the Finns to what is currently known as Finland on a dare: Hǿek, the leader of the Dutch tribe, taunted Juho that the Finns were too wussy to survive in the harsh climates of the area now known as Estonia. Juho was, of course, mortified. Thus he exclaimed: "Heck, we can even go live in Finland! Just you watch!" Tuomas, the wise-man of the tribe, tried to argue that this was utterly stupid, but was quickly convinced otherwise by a steady blow from Juho's mallet. So off to Finland it was.

Periodically harassed by ice ages, the early Finns began living in a close relationship with the surrounding nature provided by their gods. Vellamo provided the lakes for the Finns to drown in. Tapio provided the trees for the Finns to build with, Liekkiö provided the fire to burn down the towns the Finns built. Ahti provided the water (Vellamo, everyone agreed, was really slacking in that one). Perkele provided the wisdom, though it didn't really rub off much. Ukko provided a godly government and they all lived happily ever after for a really really long time, or so it is said. In any case, the early Finns decided to make the best of things in their frozen wasteland of the country by building saunas, drowning in the thousands of lakes, and drinking lots of alcohol (a task that was much more difficult than it sounds, as it had not yet been discovered).

As early as the early days Finns took to ice swimming, i.e. cutting a hole in the ice in the middle of the winter and skinny dipping in the cold water. They soon discovered the job was more bearable if you had a hot sauna to run into afterwards. Despite the long tradition, this custom has resulted in many drownings and burnt-down saunas. Screaming and swear words are an integral part of the ritual.

The Middle Ages[edit]

That's about the same time the Swedes came. Tall, blond, blue-eyed Finns saw Swedes bringing something with them called "culture," the Finns thought it was something they could drink so they accepted it. Finns spent the next 600 years of Swedish occupation completely drunk, which should explain why nothing worth telling happened except some occasional turkey killings (after the Finnish turkey population had gone extinct in the 17th century, capercaillies were imported from Sweden). However, the Finns did make great lengths towards the all important Finnish ideal of tolerance by only learning to read, write and speak Swedish, and considering everything Swedish or German to be of the utmost cultured. Exchange Swedish for English and you have the current situation in Finland today. Of note in this period is that an early group of Finnish Foreign Exchange students were spotted studying in Paris (I'm not making that up). You could see lots of them with Mary-Mrs Denmark while she was shagging Freddums in the family suite and pretending to be teaching business English. While there, the Finns (and Mary) proceeded to get drunk every night, burn down cars and public property, much like the Paris riotes of today. They let every Frenchwoman and Frenchman (thanks to Sweden's influence) sleep with them, thus starting the stereotype that "Finns will sleep with anyone, for anything, as long as that person is foreign." Just like all stereotypes, this one is completely true. Soon a term emerged to describe a Finnish woman "a Scandinavian trollop" and man "cock-au-vino".

Other than that, the Finns had a pretty good time in the middle ages. They drank, they went in Sauna, they drowned in lakes, they continued burning down any town made out of wood, and generally enjoyed themselves and the Swedes, whose genes found themselves irretrievably mixed with the Finns (because Finns will sleep with anyone, for anything, as long as...well hell, you know it by now).

The Middle Ages and the Swedish occupation of Finland also led to the formation of the great Swedish military doctrine still in place today: "Always fight your wars to the last Finn." or, as the Swedes like to say, "En finne igen!".

The Russians[edit]

That's the time the Russians arrived in Finland. The Swedes, being complete pussies, ran off without so much of a "kkthxbye," causing the Finns severe distress that still manifests itself today in the form off "WWSD," which stands for, What Would Sweden Do? and is the only question Finland asks itself before implementing a new policy on anything. Russians brought lots of vodka, so they were hailed as the great liberators.


Finland declared her independence as soon as they realized the Russians were entirely too distracted to care about them any longer. Soon after the declaration, Finland realized that Sweden wasn't actually going to take them back and let them be part of Sweden again and they would be forced to actually go through with their plans and become an independent country. This was the prime cause of the bloody and horrible civil war that broke out, where at least 5 people in Finland were killed and many sauna parties completely ruined. The number of bottles of Koskenkorva that were smashed is, to this day, unknown. At the end of the war, the whites (the non-commies, mostly consisting of Swedish Finns) declared a victory and designed a flag containing a blue cross on the Swedish war flag as their national symbol. They then proceed to write the national anthem, Vaort Land, in Swedish. The Finns finally caught on to this and decided that they would institute their obscure language as the second national language as part of national security.

The main event of later Finnish history was Teh Booze Prohibition, also known as the Kankaanniemi Act. The Prohibition Era lasted from 1941 to 1944 (in Lapland Province and Suursaari Autonomous Province until 1945).

Another crucial moment of the XX century was the Old Student House Cultural Revolution (the Vanha Rebellion for short) in Joensuu, 1968, led by the foreign exchange student Mao Tse Tung. The effect of the Vanha Rebellion is strong until today, especially in Finnish literature and music.

The Winter War[edit]

The Winter War was cold and horrible. Finland's population suffered several frostbites and had to harvest potatoes with a crowbar. See the

main article: Winter War


The odd-year-capital, Schmerzburg, is to be wrecked and turned into a pile of ruins by Byzantine, Karelian and Estonian vodka tourists in 2039.

It has been predicted by many of the world's leading geologists that Finland will switch places with Chile over the next 534 years, finally teaching those uppity Chilenos what cold is, and finally learning themselves that "hot" is not defined as "22 degrees Celsius".

Other than that, the Finns have no real plans to speak of. The Finnish language does not even have a future tense, which makes any planning of the future impossible. Nevertheless, the Finns are very pleased that someone else in the world thought to ask. They're pretty sure they'll keep on making cell phones (not that they have any plans to talk on them; they are strictly for text messages), they'll probably keep drinking and running around naked in summer, drowning in lakes and all that good stuff. The vast majority of Finns, when asked, were thrilled to learn that Unencyclopedia had a web page on them and really, really would like to know what its readers and staff think of their country. The minority of Finns will be waiting to kill you with a puukko after a binge on Vodka if you dislike it.