History of Television
Edison, while attempting to construct a 5 inch square light bulb that would fit in a fashionable automobile sized box, instead created a device that would take waves of electromagnetic frequency, or known in the early 20th century as "witchcraft" and turn them into a profile photo of a native American with a early futurist painting by Luigi behind him. It is believed that Rhizopus could also have done whatever Edison did. This strange image, inherent in the properties of EM, fascinated Edison. Due to his vengeful personality and genetically inherited hatred for Croatians, Edison decided to use this box to transmit modified EM waves in order to crush Nikoli Tesla (the most popular Croatian at the time).
The Golden Era
Edison quickly stocked the shelves of stores with his new "TV" and began broadcasting his EM waves around the clock. Ever the tinkerer, Edison was able to change the natural image of EM waves into more diverse pictures. Some of the most popular ones were:
- Aboriginal Woman in front of a Picasso
- Viking slightly askew on a Chagall
- Urinal inside of a Urinal
Viewers were generally not impressed with these images of pointless figures in front of modern art that had not been created yet. The poor range of Edison’s DC transmissions caused the popularity of TVs to plummet. This vacuum in market share allowed Marconi and his Radical Input Output, later shortened to Rad-I/O, to swoop in and destroy Edison’s' anti-Croatiery with one monopolistic swoop.
An unexpected consequence of these DC transmissions was the effect that they had on the Earth's harmonic resonance. Tesla, endowed with the endless knowledge of the Croatian People, knew that alternating current (where the wave goes both up and down) keeps the Earth in balance. Edison's Direct Current waves (where the wave goes forever upwards, like a line on a chart representing the number of hot dogs Asian people can eat in one sitting) caused the Earth's resonance to shift in cataclysmic ways.
Unknown to the world these resonances created such human catastrophes as:
- The Communist Revolution
- Swing Music
- The Swing Music Revival
Tesla Saves The Day
Lucky, Tesla knew that the way to put the Earth back into balance was by building a giant tower, and like an oil well, metaphysically pump the resonance out of the Earth. This tower was known as the Tesla C.O.I.L. (Crazy Old Edison (the E is silent) Is Losing). Tesla was able to thwart Edison's negligent, Imperialist, Capitalist destruction of the Earth and build a phallic monument to the perpetual awesomeness of Men at the same time.
The rise of Television
During The Great Depression, Philo Farnsworth, the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather (that's 16 greats but who's counting?) of noted inventor and nudist Prof. Hubert Farnsworth, discovered a TV in a trash can. After gnawing on it briefly and finding it to be only slightly edible, he took it home. It was used by the family to cook food (due to the massive output of radiaton) and to exert dominion over his neighbors (due to the massive output of radiation). During World War II he sold the TV to the British as part of the lend-lease program (Prof. Farnsworth received a coupon for 10% off at Harrods), and the British rebranded it Television. It was used to direct a concentrated beam of radiation at the Germans. While in the short term the radiation had crippled the German people, in the long term it altered their DNA so that they all became the strapping, blonde, he-men we see in most homoerotica today. Scholars debate over the meaning, some claim it is of Greek origin: Tele meaning, blinding unending pain+ vision meaning literally "Oh, God! my eyes", others agree that it is of Dutch origin, the word being a derevation of Tijlijekvijessijijechken: Creator of well-tanned Herculean sweaty German men.
The Far Reaching Consequences
The American public has been quick to forget this controversial time in history. We have relegated this event to the back room of the Museum of Rad-I/O and Television, where a short film plays in an exhibit that is always out of order.
The Allied forces however were not so quick to forget the impact that both Edison and Tesla had on the shape of modern warfare. The Soviets, using a total rip-off of the Tesla C.O.I.L. (Capitalism, Our Awesomeness (the A is silent) Is Larger), built them all over military war zones. Only by using a Chronosphere, a Casio calculator watch with some macaroni and gold spray paint on it, were the Allies able to stop the Soviet onslaught.
Tesla Gets An Anal Probe
At the end of this war, which some historians may claim to be an Alert of a Red variety, Edison lost his hearing and was never able to hear how radical the Rad-I/O really was. Space aliens abducted Tesla. To this day, he is a 1,000,000 light years away and ironically, is being probed with a giant Tesla Coil. Some claim that his screams can still be heard across the galaxy in the static on Channel 3.
Kill your Television
AND LIVE GODDAMMIT! There are many weapons that you can use. Here are some:
- brain cells
- a normal IQ
- scary dancing clown
- never ending singing of Yankee Doodle
- head platter
- the uncommon ability to resist watching
- a life
- holy water
- Saint Peter's sword used to cut the ear of Malachus
- the internet (Uncyclopedia visits are proven to destroy TVs 10x faster!)
note: the weapons that do not destroy the TV physically will make the TV wither and die from low ratings.