“In Soviet Russia, Hobo juggle YOU!!”
Hobo juggling is a one of many a lost form entertainment. Created by Swazilandians in a year long long ago, it did not survive the Great Depression, at least not in full force. Hobo juggling, as its name implies, is the act of juggling said hobos through the air. This action can be conducted in a variety of different methods. Most popular are juggling with the hands or feet although nose juggling is common in many parts of Middle-earth.
For centuries it was thought that this was displeasing or uncomfortable to the hobos but many have come forth saying that it is indeed as fun for them as it is for you. They claim it feels like "surfing the technicolor dreamscape."
Here are some detailed instructions on how to correctly enter the world of hobo juggling.
1. Find a hobo
Hobos can be found in a multitude of environments. Areas with common hobo sightings include New York, The Amazon, Swaziland, Canada, Mushroom Kingdom, and the CNN News Room. You may want to wear some kind of protective layer around the hands such as rubber gloves before touching the hobo as it might be carrying several pathogens.
The easiest way to capture a hobo is to approach it while it's sleeping. The homeless man won't know what hit him. The next thing he will see is a blur of colors while flying or "surfing" through the air. Remember, you need at least two hobos to juggle.
After obtaining the hobo, while it is still asleep, you might want to disinfect it with Kool Aid, this removes many diseases and adds a unique texture to the juggling experience. Here are the steps required to properly disinfect a hobo.
- Cover your hands in corn starch, it makes for an easier grip on the hobo's oily body and another purpose explained later on.
- Make sure you have at least 2 gallons of Kool Aid (Per hobo).
- Quickly slather Kool Aid (preferably cherry and at room temperature) all over the sleeping hobo.
- The corn starch should mix in with the Kool Aid creating a gooey paste. If this does not happen, add more starch as needed.
- Rub that paste deeply into the hobo's skin, get in there nice and deep like.
- Rinse off remaining corn starch-Kool Aid paste in a timely fashion.
- Repeat for every hobo you managed to nab.
- Now you are almost prepared to juggle!
This section will primarily cover juggling three hobos with your hands but keep in mind there are many other methods. Start off by holding one hobo by an arm. Briskly launch that hobo at least 7 feet into the air. Now grab one of the hobos and propel it into the air as well. Thirdly, send the third one up there too. When you get all into the air you have successfully started the cycle. When grabbing a hobo on its way down, reach for an appendage. Firmly grab it and repeat the steps.
You have now started a continuum. This should provide hours of constructive fun! When you are ready to dismount the hobos simply step aside and the hobos will do the dismounting for you. Be sure to run away because the hobos might stick around and pester you for change, forcing you to kill them or face disappointment
In the year 1777 the United States officially recognized Hobo Juggling as a national sport. This sport was widely endorsed and promoted for well over over 100 years. Sadly though, after the year 1929, the sport was disenfranchised. During the Great Depression many people became homeless therefore becoming hobos. Pretty soon everyone was trying to juggle each other. This caused great pandemonium in the States. To solve the problem, the President made hobo juggling illegal which sufficed temporarily. In recent years this law has not been widely enforced causing a stir in the hobo-juggling community. Many people compete in underground leagues similar to the style of street racing. You can show your support by writing to your state legislature demanding that hobo juggling be legal again! Hobo juggling is still legal in the majority of the rest of the world.