Holden

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Holden.

Holden is Austria's favourite car manufacturer, and has been part of the General Motors chain of 'fast motor' franchise outlets since 1981. Major Holden achievements include beating Ford nearly half the time in the V8 Supercars and being the only motor company to name a car after a mediocre music and television personality/fat drug addict. After years of importing rubbish from Europe, Holden recognised they could make more money by importing 10 year old Daewoos from Korea.

Beginnings[edit]

Holden released two versions of the FJ. To the left is the familiar passenger model; to the right is the far less popular commercial model.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. On the 7th day God created a Ford XY GT, then on the 8th day he traded it in for Lucifer's majestic Holden Premier. On the 9th day he blew up the Holden doing a mad burnout out the front of his mate Adam's house. On the tenth day (after the fall on the 9th day) he gave the Holden to Adam and cursed him with oil-burning engines, random electrical faults(The reason why its called Holes Oil Leaks Dents and Engine Noise, and the ability for drivers to decorate trees and lamposts with their cars, a widely appraised form of modern art/crash scene investigation.

one thing goes after another on those oil leaking cars

Classics[edit]

Holden have produced many classic vehicles over the years:

  • The FJ Holden, as pictured above.
  • The Holden Gemini, the first of the Isuzu-build Holdens,which is a standard commodore thats has been shrunk by 25% into a compact 900kg package, with a 4 cylinder engine and top speed of 6km/h. Popular among young Muzzas and Lebos. These cars have been known to run 20s when modified with a 350 Chev under the bonnet and still not able to beat WRX and Skyline at traffic light drags.
  • The HQ Kingswood, which comprises as much steel as a Patton tank, but with heavier steering. It is widely regarded as the King of the Road, mostly because drivers of other cars are afraid that it will cut through their vehicles like butter, leaving only minor paint damage to the Kingswood.
  • The HK Monaro, the first of the Monaros,which is a standard commodore thats been cut in half so therefore some sort of vsuper mobile.
  • The L34 or A9X Torana, which comes only in bright yellow with black striping, and features a body kit that looks like it was screwed on in someone's backyard. It is also the car most likely to attract police attention, according to a 1999 survey.
  • The VL Commodore, having the same crap engine as your grandpa's renault 12, still produced 2.5kW more power than the 3.8L V6 in the VN model that succeeded it. Usually driven by gangs of ethnics or bogans out to impress, or to prove there manly hood is bigger than it really is, but failing miserably. usually found in two colours, the original car colour and rust (heaps of it) no bumpers, disguised computer fans as turbos and a crappy sound system which can only be herd with superstrong hearing aids.
  • The VN Toyota Lexcen Commodore, having the same six cylinder engine as your grandma's moris minor, still produced 125kW more power than the asthmatic 3.8L V6 in the Holden VN. The Lexcen was a failed Toyota attempt at entering the Aussie large-car market, featuring a rear-wheel drive sedan with a winged keel which looked remarkably similar to the VN Holden Commodore (Toyota Australia bought the tooling and designs from Holden). Suprisingly, the Toyota Lexcen Commodore is rated as the most appealing vehicle in Toyota's range to date, second to the Toyota Supra, because its RWD and does pretty good skids. It is usually driven by single mothers and old baby-boomers who want a cheap, reliable vehicle with Toyota reliability (motor)and power as well as good old Aussie styling.
  • The Holden Nova, which comes complete with Toyota Corolla badging in the windshield glass and engine bay, is a favorite among Avon representatives and features a Tupperware body kit with a neon Pink paint option.
  • Any Australian 15 year old would say the VS Statesman is a classic, especially the ones with cut springs and V6 engines. And then the ones who are too scared to own something that actually goes fast, buy a lardass VT crumpledoor. These cars are well known for receiving regular arse whoopings by cars with engines a quarter their size.

Shaggin' Wagons[edit]

The Holden (suck) Shitton faggon (aka Shaggin' Wagon, Pleasure Van, Sin Bin, and so on) fills a unique place in Australian automotive culture, as it signifies both the aim and the usual result of a typical young male's Homosexual drinking binge.

The young man, would hit the town with the aim of scoring with a man in the back of his panel van. This would be customised with mattress, pillows, curtains, shelving, mirrors, purple shag pile carpet, fridge, stereo, television, dvd player, playstation 3, walkman, iPod and so on.

Instead of this, he would usually get into a bar brawl, and wind up in the back of a paddy wagon - a panel van customised for storage and transportation by police of convicted bogans.

Ford have also made panel vans, but these are exclusively for use by dodgy electricians and/or carpenters. Any females on board will be either those rejected from Holden's Panel Vans for being too fat and/or ugly. rubbish rubbish

Commodore[edit]

FOR SALE: VL Commodore in good condition. Tyres slightly worn.
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Holden Commodore.

The Holden commodore, Australias most innovative car, has much to be proud of, over the last couple of decades workers at holden have been verry busy. They have achieved goals that no other Australian car manufacture have, these include being the first car in Australia to come equiped with four wheel disc brakes, the first car in Australia to offer a V8 powerplant, the first Australian designed and biult car to have been awarded a 5 star ANCAP safety rating, offering the first ute in Australia and most importantly being the first ever car manufacture in Australia. Ford would never of thought of those ideas, wait a minute, they did, long before Holden. When they realised that the Kingswood was so well-built that many owners were finding that they did not need to upgrade to a new vehicle, Holden created the Commodore. This was an inferior vehicle, designed by drunks who named the first model, the VB, after a local beer (Victoria Bitter, which is in turn named after the fact that non-Victorian teams keep winning the AFL premiership).

- A type of car that has frequent aerodynamic updates to increase the tow trucks mileage

- often found on the side of a road or mainly in wrecking yards

- always found sucking your tail pipe and you will always find the anally depressed gays somewhere in your rear view

As technologically advanced as fossilized wood, they are a very user friendly car for the simple minded rock apes. Equipped with a slow, noisy, automatic transmission and either a "rattletec" 3.8L v6 based on designs from the 1870's or an even older 5L pushrod v8 originating from the Roman Empire, the pitiful power per litre figure is reflected by its inherent lack of fuel economy or reliability.

Although it handles like a wet bag of shit, this barge-ass car is worshiped by bogans and rock apes alike, for its ability to allow even physically and/or mentally disabled and intellectually challenged drivers to do single handed burnouts and doughies. Usually performance mods consist of 17 inch chromies, altezza tail lights and 2 sub Doofers. The younger owners usually purchase older models due to a lack of intelligence and/or intellect, funds or pride. Thus, the car earned the nickname "conformadore, commonwhore and bombadore".

The success of the Commodore was only ensured by the threats made by the company through its marketing campaign - "Are you keeping up with the Commodore? Because the Commodore is keeping up with you." This referred not to the vehicle itself but to Commodore Bruce Bruce of the Royal Australian Navy, who was employed by the company to hunt and kill those who refused to upgrade to the new, more plastic type of family vehicle. bogans drive these cars

The Commodore evolved through the years to the final model of the slim bodied units, the VL This vehicle is now worshipped by the "Muzza's" a group of southern European young men who hail from Thomastown and Lalor in Victoria. These individuals can be be identified by their bum fluffed faces, baseball hats and Winnie blue packs up the sleeve of their Metallica t shirts. They greet each other with a handshake that Puff Daddy would be proud of and the words "ah ya muzz" which is apparently some form of greeting protocol. The VL has become a symbol of pride and prestige amongst the Muzzas and it is common for them to want to display their individual collections of broken axels and shredded tyres and tell all whom they meet about the loss of licence and drink driving charges. Their VL Commodores can be located all around Thomastown but are easy to identify as most are always smashed, have no bumpers, no windscreen, no bonnet, no bootlid, no roof (DIY Convertible VL), one headlight, missing door, or are decorated with wrecker's special multi-coloured panels. In their wisdom, Holden chose to use a Nismo motor in the VL and there is actually a variant of this car known as the "Walkingshaw" (named so since the driver is most likely gonna walk home after taking it out for a spin) a Commodore that has more plastic than Michael Jackson's face. To the Muzza these cars are only to be dreamt of and when seen they say "ooh yah muzza".

It is most notable that in recent months Holden have attempted to sell their coveted Commodores as being somehow superior to the 1989 BMW 3 series, despite the nearly $50,000 difference in price. Upon hearing this, BMW officials remarked on the 'cute' nature of the Australian company and made a somewhat patronising statement whereby they said "Keep it up guys, you're doin' great!". The ecstatic laughter was held at bay for several seconds thereafter.

Owners of the GenIII variant Commodore, when on holiday, can be seen typically every few hours pulling into a service station to top up their oil, oil to fuel filling ratio for a Commodore is 2:1. Or else, the Commodore owner can simply put in whipper snipper fuel, which has enough motor oil content in it to keep that V8 rollin along nicely.

VR-VS Commodore[edit]

These models can be found everywhere. They can usually be heard coming down the road by their rather unique sound - the bogan ones complete with fullsik sports exhaust, with the added effect of sounding like it has dropped 3 cylinders. Others can be seen coming by the massive "HOLDEN" sticker across the top of the windscreen. Like we didn't already know its a damn Holden. Thanks for reminding us its not a Ford. Just don't leave the sticker on the car if you are trying to sell it. If you do, chances are the buyer will not only think they are buying a Ford, but will also lower their offer price dramatically. On the other hand they could be stupid enough to by a series I EA Falcon (with Holden Racing Team seat covers) however it could be fixed rather cheaper for a case of beer- a common commodity in Oz when your cash supply is low. The reserve bank keeps huge stocks of beer as well as gold in case of major national or international crisis.

VY-VZ Commodore[edit]

These are very easily identified on the road, by the triangular "pizza" Mitsubishi Lancer taillights, and the highway patrol cop in the front seat. Chances are you will see them with flashing blue and red headlights and foglights, and the annoying dual-tone horn on in your rear-view mirror in broad daylight. It seems to be a common practice among retarded police officers.

VE Commodore[edit]

Holden recently spent $10 AUD ($2.29 USD) on developing the new VE Commodore. Most of the budget was spent on browsing GM parts catalogue and disassembling an old volvo 144 picked up from the local wreckers for fun. They then proceeded to lose the next Bathurst, the only Supercars race that actually matters. Not only did they lose bathurst, but they had to resort to punting off their closest rival, Craig Lowndes, who would have most definitely won, to win the championship. They also managed to do what was previously thought to be impossible by making a car that was slower than the VB commodore of 1978. However, these cars are exceptionally well built, due to its BA Falcon origins and a repeat of the Kingswood/Torana incident may occur, so Holden is considering building an super vehicle to take its place (Holden Epica and Holden Craptiva). This suggests that somehow FPV (Performance Inc) managed to sneak personnel into the production facilities to drop quality down to that of Daewoos. The VT V6 was so well thought out in the design stages that the cylinder head was remotely located in the rear wheel arch compartment in the boot(trunk). This clever space saving idea was so well engineered that the engine melted 3 days after being delivered to the sales room. How did we forget an isolator switch?

But still, the VE Commodore outsells its Ford BF MKIII Station Wagon equivalent every month, to knuckle scrapping rock apes. Probably assisted by the fact that it is the reigning manufacturer in the V6 championship (Holdens first championship in many years, assisted by a bullbar equipped pRick Kelly).

In 2007, a 10 year old AU Ford Falcon yet again whipped the VE at Bathurst by taking 1st, 2nd and 3rd and also by having 7 of the top 10 cars.

And then in 2009 the $10 VE Commodore (BA Falcon Replica with GM Parts) with SIDI (Stupid Idiot Dickhead Injection) tore shreds off of the 3 cent All New (we me different sheet metal) FG Falcon by taking 1st 2nd and 3rd as well as having 9 out of the top 10 cars.

The pRick Kelly piloted Herpex Simplex Virus commodores failed to launch due to 'Brake problems', sparking the use of their new slogan, 'Theres no stopping us'.

HSV (Also known as "Homo-Sexual Vehicle" or "Hoon Spec Vehicle")[edit]

Holdens "performance" line, "HSV (also ASV and SSV)", failed to realize that slapping a bodykit on a family commuter does not make it a sportscar. This car is so 'heavy' that HSV can't understand why the car slides into the barriers under hard braking at the track. Twin Turbos and european cars were banned due to the fact that the 5l v8 (from the 1630's) could not keep up with them.

As previously stated, when that magical 'one in a million' Commodore is built that is actually able to pass roadworthy, Holden get excited, put skid rims on the rear, cut the suspension springs, tint the taillights, tint the windows and badge it up as a Hoon Spec Vehicle. HSV was started in 1772 when Geoff Hoon founded a company in which he hired people to scratch his son Homer's butt. Homer's butt was really big and as he got older it got even bigger so Geoff Hoon had to hire more people. Eventually these people started to get really sick because of the radioactivity radiating from the youngster's buttocks. Even the least sick of the lot were mildly retarded and from 1774 to 1986 most of their time was spent mating with other HSV employees and trying to stop/help the more retarded ones from doing retarded things. Unfortunately most chose to help and this was when HSV merged with Holden. Holden saw that HSV had a better development team and had more altogether brainpower so after their own development team started putting engines stolen from other cars into the VL Commodore, HSV was hired to replace them. It is worth noting that HSV, the the mid-late 2000s started doing this as well but only because the Daewoo engine was far superior than anything Holden could come up with.

So anyway, back to the late 80s. in 1987, HSV started developing the Toyota Lexcen SS, paying homage to Adolf Hitler and Imperial Japan. This was a powerful car (366 watts or 0.366 kw) and came with a huge bodykit known only as "Group A". Several of these were sold but most of them never made it out of the factory, as Holden went too far with the HSV badges and eventually the car was weighed down so badly that it couldn't be driven anyway.

Fast forward to 1989. HSV start developing the Clubsport. This is what would be eventually known as a 'VT Dunny Door' and featured a sticker on the engine boasting that it was a 1472 watt JET 3 v8. The car only made 820rear-wheel watts (on a treadmill) but the awesome noise it made was enough to please most Holden fans. The VT Clubsport also offered a big shiny bodykit with two-tone highlights, reminiscent of something illegal made by C2R. The car was laughed at by Henry Ford who ran a tow truck company at the time. Most of their work came from towing broken down or illegally parked Clubsports. Just to rub it in their faces, Ford used their reliable workhorse to do the towing, the mighty XF GL Ute on Gas. The XF is a beast, simply said. AVO further enhanced these machines and came up with the XF-747, a car so good it had a complete replica Rolls-Royce turbine under the bonnet and it was made from Hardtofindium, a very rare metal and only 2 of these machines were made. HSV wished they were AVO/Tickford at this point.

In 2005, Ned Kelly joined the HSV team. He subsequently stole everything electrical, resulting in HSV having to use circuit boards from Taiwanese-made McDonald's toys. He also tinkered with the automatic transmissions so that when a Holden fan is driving one of these marvellous modern masterpieces everytime it went to change gear it had an epileptic fit. Mechanics from Ford have confirmed the transmissions also started the AIDs virus. Oh dear.

In 2008, HSV was proud to announce it was bringing out a 72.5L Caterpillar V8 engine, far, far more powerful than Ford's FG GT which pulls an impressive 315kw with just 5.4L. This new HSV pulls around 854kw but the engine is so incredibly huge and heavy that the head actually sits higher than the roof, rendering the driver unable to see anything, unless he sits on the roof turret with his feet steering the thing through the sunroof. This was not good enough for street use so the car was instead sold to the Middle East and Iran for the impending war on Israel. May it also be noted that the car weighed over 7 tonne and therefore could only manage a 32.58 second 1/64 mile pass time.

Camira[edit]

In the late 70s, Holden were so keen to promote their "world car theory" that they looked to their European cousins Opel and came up with an amazing vehicle the "Camira", a name resembling that of the "Toyota Camry" This vehicle had the uncanny ability of being improved cosmetically and mechanically by being in an accident. The vehicle was underpowered, under engineered, over priced and over here and looked like a Gemini on steroids. It is one of the few cars that the recyclers refuse to take. The Camira was a product of the British car industry plan. The plan takes its name from its creator Tony Blair, a visionary of the auto building industry. Blair's plan was to rationalise the number of car manufacturers in England and Australia. His theory was that his country was too small to sustain all of the car makers so it was survival of the fittest. We still wonder how he ended up with a Mitsubishi. His plan was so successful that we now have a great choice of affordable cars made in China or you can own a Toyota which is like having a butt, every man and his dog has one. The idea of a car lasting 10 years without major faults was dead in the water thanks to some dodgy politicians who seem to ruin everything good in the country.

See also[edit]