Hollywood Squares

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Television Show[edit]

Hollywood Squares is a television game show where quasi-celebrities go off to die. It is akin to the elephant graveyard of daytime TV.

The purpose of the show is to ask a one of nine celebrities, arranged in a 3 x 3 grid of prison cells, the answer to a random trivia question. After giving the answer, the contestant whose turn it is will be given the chance to agree or disagree. If the contestant is correct, the celebrity's cell will light up in the contestant's favor, and the peasants rejoice.

In order to fill a thirty minute format, however, some padding had to be added to the show. When a celebrity first answers a question, they will invariably offer a sarcastic remark before answering. This is usually asinine, because if the person answering were funny at all, they probably wouldn't be on the show. Afterwards, they will give their real answer to the question, which will then be wrong, because celebrities are dumb. However, because the American public believes everything they hear from, about, and anything that in any way touches celebrities, they agree instantly, often before the celebrity is done answering.


For instance:


Host: "How many feet are in a mile?"

Celebrity: "Well, if you're talking about my mother-in-law's feet, I'd have to say two!"

Cue canned laugh track

Celebrity: "Oh, man. I'm so funny. Well, really, I think it's something like ten thousa-"

Contestant: "I agree!"


The most recent incarnation of the show has featured the rotting corpse of Whoopi Goldberg.

Former Guest Stars[edit]

Yummy, Gooey Treats[edit]

Hollywood Squares are also a tasty dessert pioneered in the 1960s by Little Debbie, before she became a whore and "did" Dallas.

To make Hollywood Squares, you'll need:

  • Three Eggs
  • Two cups of flour
  • 1/8th the soul of a washed-up actor.
  • A dash of sugar
  • A hint of malice

Combine ingredients in a bowl and pour into brownie pan. Cook at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, or until you can smell the unbridled failure.

Serves four, unless you're a tubby bitch like Roger Ebert, in which case you're already accustomed to destroying the souls of actors.