Holy Martian Empire

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“All their base aren't belong to us.”

~ C.A.T.S on Holy Martian Empire
Kth'tn'kh'a vk'dfr'gg m'fgf'ld're dg'gv'd'bd'sv'hsv Fnord'js't duk r'wd'hsg'fdg'bg
The Great, Holy, and Everlastingly Fnordful Holy Empire of the Red Planet. We're Holy!
Holy Martian Empire
HMEflag.jpg Marsface.jpeg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: Reges Martis Sacri Semper Vivebunt, Lupae! (I'm not telling you what it means. Learn Lain, you uneducated toads.)
Anthem: "B.Y.O.B." by system of a down
Capital Mount Olympus, but not the Greek one.
Largest city V'fgr'dsgd'nknk (pronounced Vofergundnak)
Official language(s) Martian
Government Dictatorial Religulocracy
Holy Martian Emperor Emperor Nl'lz B'br'gg lik St'pd'd Yd'dy't XVI
Favorite TV shows J'rri S'p'rng'rr Sh'h'w, Lik Sm'mps'hn'nzh, F'tt'rm'ma'h
Most Popular Authors D'glz'z'd'dmz'z, T'rr'i P'rt'cht't, S'mnn G'rn'n
National Hero(es) M'rvrn lik Sl'kav'rth, Xenu
Established 27000 B.C. (or B.C.E. if you're a politically correct moron)
Currency ◊ (or w'h'hh'lvk'ngg'j'pyt'sh'drx'l'plx'l [pronounced wahxapax])
Religion N'dl L'd Wr'shp, S'ntl'gii, Martian Catholic
Major exports Implanted trackers, paranoid conspiracy theorists, and memories that are only remembered under hypnosis
Major imports Abducted humans, probes
Abduction, probing, implanting, cattle mutilation

This is an abridged semi-history of the Holy Martian Empire, primarily focusing on sex, violence, and religion, just like most other histories of ANYTHING. For a full history, containing all of the boring details, see the Encyclopedia Galactica, Volume MCCCLXVII, Sub-volume 50, pages 367-9854. For another good history, see this page.


The Early Empire[edit]

A popular underground poster during the reign of L'Rn

The Holy Martian Empire was founded in 27000 B.C. (0 AoE in Martian chronology) by emperor T'rv'r nuk Gr'gv'rat (rough translation: He who is a bigger jerk than the other guy), who isn't famous for having sex with any female who ever came within a 200 thousand mile radius of mars. After he had reigned for only 39 martian F'thr'n (about 45.7 weeks) he was shot in the head by R'nn'ld Mk'kDnl'd (an evil clown who force-fed his family greasy hamburgers and fried red tubers) who, as was his right as the assassin of the emperor, appointed L'Rn h'bb'rd as the new emperor. L'Rn was extremely unpopular, as he called Xenu, the most popular Martian monarch from the Early Kingdom period, an evil demon-king who froze people and dumped them into volcanoes on the 3rd planet from their star, which the Martians called H'yk'ggoj'fsaf'afe'wfyoo'chi (pronounced hyakugojyuuichii), or sometimes just Hychi. This was an obvious falsehood, designed to bring converts to L'Rn's religion, which he called s'ntl'gii, and was a complete crock of B.S..

After the 364 year reign of the dynasty descended from L'Rn, the H'bb'rd-S'kt'lv Dynast, there was a 2398-year long period of peace and total boredom. This was fixed by the Omega Wars.

Ω wars[edit]

The "eeeeeeevil energy vampires" that inhabited Marsylvania

Nobody seems to have any idea exactly why these wars are called the omega wars, but nobody wants to argue with historians, who are always really bloody-minded jerks who never let go of an idea once they've held onto it for longer then five seconds. These wars were between the HME and the neighboring kingdom of Marsylvania, a kingdom full of eeeeeeevil energy vampires who lived off souls. Or so the propaganda materials put out by the government of the HME say. Whatever the reason for the wras, they raged across Mars for many, many years before finally ending in AoE 3487 due to intervention by Doctor Who.

These wars completely trashed the Martian continent of Akk'hkk'obv'rt'sp'tum and doubled the territory of the HME. The "evil energy vampires" were SMITED by the righteous wrath of the Empire and the foundation was set for the middle imperial period.

Middle Imperial Period[edit]

The mascot of Mk'kDnl'd's, D'rgh'ii the D'rgh'nn.

During the Middle Imperial Period, the HME conquered almost half of Mars and domesticated D'rgh'nns for use in warfare. These beasts were about twenty feet long, breathed fire, and could fly. Needless to say, using these creatures the HME defeated almost all of the enemies on their general area, but stopped using them around 5634 AoE because they discovered that they were very, very delicious. For the next 50 years or so the Mk'kDnl'd's chain of restaurants, which was founded by the ancestors of R'nn'ld Mk'kDnl'd, the first imperial assassin, served D'rgh'nn-Burgers at very low prices (two D'rgh'nn-burgers with extra khy'z for only ◊1!!!), but closed in AoE 5685 due to the extinction of the D'rgh'nns.

With the fall of Mk'kDnl'd's, almost half of the martians in the empire were suddenly unemployed. This almost caused the fall of the Empire, and it led to the Slightly Dim Ages, a long boring period in which nobody did ANYTHING.

Slightly Dim Ages[edit]

Goddamnit! I told you people that NOTHING happened during these 22,315 years! You Bastards! Always trying to get me to talk about boring CRAP like this! You want to know what happened? You REALLY want to know? Fine! The Martian Empire conquered all of the solar system. Including Earth. Yes. They did. Seriously. Not kidding. And then Jebus stopped them with his ice breath. This is all true. Not just propaganda propagated (say that ten times fast!) by the Martian Catholic Church. I swear. In unrelated news, Dan Brown is writing a new book called "The Martian Code: the True Story Behind the End of the Dim Ages".

The Christian Period[edit]

Jebus, who is worshipped by the martians instead of Jesus.

Starting from 0 B.C./A.D. (27000 AoE/0 A.M.C.), the Holy Martian Empire actually was Holy. The Empire had been converted to Christianity (Martian Catholicism) by Jebus. This period lasted for 2,000 years and more, even through the abducting, probing, implanting, and cattle mutilation of the last half decade or so (most of this crap is actually carried out by Martian Scientologists), and, even though the empire is religously tolerant, the offficial religion is sill Martian Catholicism.

The Martians have their own Pope, called the MarsPope, or Mope, who is always an emo. He is not approved of by the Human Catholic Church, because, a) all humans are jealous bastards, and b) the martians worship jebus instead of jesus, which is disapproved of by the catholics, because, as has been said, humans are jealous jerks who don't want the martians to worship a "false jesus".

This period continues to the present day.

Present day Mars[edit]

Mars today is a lot like Earth, except the people are unethical, human-probing, cattle-mutilating, assholes who don't care about other forms of life. Actually... The only difference is the color of everything (in case you were wondering, earth is blue and green, Mars is red [the filthy commie bastards] and grey). The current emperor of Mars is N'ls B'br'gg lik St'pd'd Yd'dy't XVI, who is one in a long dynasty of total morons. Present-day Mars is definitely not the idyllic wonderland that some people think it is, and almost every other day there is a major riot in the capital city, Mount Olympus (not the Greek one, with the Zeus and other gods and stuff), which is situated on the top of the highest hill on Mars.