Home Base

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In 147 B.C., the Roman Emperor Agrippus declared that his home base would be the relatively small farming village of Mersie, in what is today Northern Italy, but which was, at the time, known as "that chunk of the Empire up near the mountains to the north," at least by some of the people who were living south of those mountains.

Since that day, or more accurately, year, since no one know exactly when Agrippus piped up with his announcement, the term "home base" has come to mean a variety of things, or more accurately, places, except in some rare cases where the term is used as a metaphor (see below).

The Confluence of "Home" and "Base"[edit]

Home, as you probably know, is where the heart is. Home is where you hang your hat. Home, when located on the range, is where both deer and antelope play, and where you probably won't hear a discouraging word unless you go looking for it. Unfortunately, you can never go home. Why? Because in 1932, the Federal You Can't Go Home Act was passed by both houses of Congress, and later ratified by the United Nations. The law, 42 U.S.C. ยง 405(a) (1932), states: "Person or persons desiring to return home shall not be granted permission and shall be disuaded from making any actions, motions or expressing strong intentions of returning home, and if they do they shall be fined accordingly." Therefore, retreiving your hat becomes very unlikely.

Refer to: Home

Base, on the other hand, is a four-stringed instrument used in a typical rock and roll combo to produce low frequency accompaniment to the melody, usually played on either a guitar or keyboard arrangement.

Refer to: Bass, Fishing, Ace of Bass, Bass Ackwards

Combining home with base, creates friction, and the resulting heat is used to boil water for eggs and ramen noodle soup.

All Your Home Base Are Belong to Us[edit]

This popular song, performed by the epinominal Bible Beatles, refers to the forceful acquisition of your home base by hostile forces. While your base is occupied, you will be permitted to follow your normal work schedules, however, due to the new leadership, vacation time will have to be verified (again!).

Getting in Her Pants[edit]

According to popular ranking, date progress is generally designated as follows:

  • First base = A kiss on the mouth, possibly French
  • Second base = Squeezing or otherwise fondling her tits
  • Third base = Grabbing her crotch (sometimes giving or receiving oral sex)
  • Fourth base = A 3 way with a nine year old
  • Home base = Achieving penetration

Stealing Bases If your friend says he/she stole home, it means they took part in rape Thus if someone says "he stole fourth base with me" It means the man raped her and a 9 year old.


  • Ol' Ben's Guide to Trout Fishin and Fingering Her Dingle, Random House, 1986
  • U.S. Department of the Interior, Pamphlet A-102, "Fly-tying Tips," 1923
  • Men's Room stall door, Number 2, Jack's Truck Stop, Highway 5, Jasper, Indiana, 1995

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