# Homecoming

“Who's coming home?”

~ Captain Oblivious on homecoming

“hahahahhaha coming. That sounds vaguely sexual.”

~ highschool boy on homecoming

“Who gives a fuck about some horny teenagers. What about my SECOND coming?!”

~ Jesus Christ on his second coming

“HAHAHAHAHHA second coming. Wow hahahaha if you put a 'second' in front of it, coming sounds even MORE sexual. Who knew?”

~ highschool boy on the above quote

“neeeeeerg durrnggid raaaangggffff graaaiiitt! (I never got asked to homecoming)”

~ Helen Keller on homecoming

## Getting a date/ Being a date

If you're reading this you're a sad loser who's turned to the internet for help. Consequently you will fail. Just allow the beauty of Natural Selection to decide that you're unworthy of getting laid. Natural Selection tends to hurt less than rejection because because most Christians agree that it doesn't exist. Things that aren't real hurt less right?

Seriously give up.

Statistics currently show that ${\displaystyle 1/0}$ percent of men can get a date to homecoming. They also show that if you are somehow able to divide by zero and get a date to homecoming, there is a 99 percent chance that you are God and a 1 percent chance that you have a date to homecoming.

8 out of 10 high school girls agree that parties in the lake of fire are super hott.

We can also derive from this brilliant statistic that if you happen to BE a date to homecoming, then you are, in fact, the Devil. Unlike Natural Selection, Christians agree that you exist so you are able to cause considerable pain. However, the Bible does promise that one day you will burn in a lake of fire while we all laugh from above. They don't make new seasons of Gossip Girl in the great lake of fire so you won't have anything to do while you suffer. You might try passing snoody, gossipy notes complaining about ugly people, but those will probably burn because paper burns at 451 degrees Fahrenheit and the lake of fire is A BAZILLION GAZILLION Google degrees Fahrenheit.

## Dancing

I don't know why this would ever apply to you because you haven't even gotten a date, loser.

As for Dancing there are basically two approaches three approaches:

It may be possible to actually ask someone to dance with you. Wait. Wait. There's more. New findings show that he or she may say yes...or no. This process is similar to fishing around in your alphabet soup for certain letters except if all the letters were "NO" and the "Yes"'s were the bits of backwash floating obscurely around on the surface. Also, if you happen to get a "Yes," chances are it will taste exactly like backwash and canned tomatoes.

They have homecoming in the Bush too.

See, unlike option 1, not asking eliminates the frightening possibility of your target responding with a yes or no. Engineers at NASA would praise you for thinking outside the box. You can't just allow yourself to be limited by 50/50 chances. You're a go getter aren't you. Besides, sexual assault is unfairly stigmatized in our society. And she deserved it in that dress. It's like taking that alphabet soup you were poking at earlier and hurling the scalding broth at your sister, spattering her unsuspecting face. Really grabbing life by the hips as it were.

## Er... Excuse me

God gave all human males biological metronomes in the groinal area which respond involuntarily to tasteless rap music. Often females mistake this "tic tock" action for sexual interest. You may be wondering how the tempo of this metronome is determined. There is a simple formula.

Aroused metronome in 50 Cent's recording studio.

${\displaystyle beatsperminute=(x*z*j)^{R}/1minute}$

x = number of rappers in the group who have "lil" in their names

z= number of "bitches" and "hoes" in the rap video

j = number of references to "getting paid," "money," or "weed"

R= 19308103981039813 because Soulja Boy is a rapper

This constant "tic tock" action can be quite awkward. Nobobody likes an overactive metronome. Thus, it is customary for the male to stammer and waddle to the bathroom in a 5/8 time signature.

The problem is solved much like turning off an everyday metronome. The subject proceeds to slap it senseless or pour a copious amount of water on it until it stops ticking. Most everyday metronomes will turn off after they've been thrown against bathroom stalls or doused in a sink.

AIDS is not "kool."

## For Parents: Practicing safe Homecoming

Studies done by real scientists show that the likelihood of contracting AIDS increases by 5,000 percent for every homecoming attended. That means your children are more likely to contract AIDS at homecoming than with a whore in Nigeria. Even Nigerian whores are insulted that they were put in the same sentence as homecoming. Fuck homecoming. Actually don't because you might get AIDS.