Homo spergensis

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Homo spergensis fairs quite poorly in captivity, as demonstrated in this malneurished male

Homo spergensis sometimes referred to as Homo sapiens spergensis or Homo aspergus is a species of hominid known for high intelligence, lack of sociability, and strange movement and behaviour. Common names for this animal include Aspie, Sperger or Retard. They are sometimes kept as pets by humans. It is estimated that there are about 60 million aspies on the planet. Physically, they look almost identical to humans but they engage in specific types of behaviour unique to their species known as sperging.


Spergers were first identified in the 1940s by Australian Primatologist Hans Asperger for whom the species is named. Asperger studied a group of what were thought to be human children with marked behavioural differences. He placed them with other similar children and with normal children and observed their behaviour. He found that the Aspies consistently preferred company with their own kind and usually rejected the normal children. Because of this, he categorized them as a separate species with their own scientific name.

Intelligence and Behaviour[edit]

Aspies are one of the most intelligent animals on the planet and have an IQ that meets or exceeds that of humans. They tend to excel in science, math, and literature and have an extraordinary ability to remember obscure facts and dates. They are also known for their intense interest in just one or a few subjects and their disinterest in just about everything else, sometimes even mating. They are known to go on long rants about their favourite topics or become very upset when unable to engage in their favourite activities. This behaviour is referred to as sperging and is specific to aspies. Normal humans almost never engage in this type of behaviour unless they are mocking the aspie. Aspies are less social than ordinary humans. Many zoologists believe this is because the numbers of Aspies are simply lower and they are forced to co-exist alongside the common human, an animal with they have little in common with. Aspies show an increased sociability when in the presense of other Aspies. Aspies usually show a preference for mating with other aspies although female aspies will sometimes mate with male humans. Female humans will almost never mate with male aspies. Although genetically compatible with each other, behaviourally the two species are so different that mating rarely occurs.

Physical and Behavioural Differences Compared with Common Humans[edit]

  1. Tend to be more intelligent but less social
  2. More awkward which means more accident prone and worse at sports, this is especially noted when comparing the males of both species
  3. Tend to go on long rants or flip out for trivial reasons, a behaviour known as sperging
  4. Often weaker than common humans [1]
  5. Less empathy towards others (this is actually not true, aspies are shown to have more empathy for each other than the common human has towards their own conspecifics, they are just less empathetic towards humans)
  6. One or a few intense interests with disregard to everything and everyone else
  7. Strange and repetitive motions (hand flapping, spinning in circles, toe walking)
  8. Strange use of language (referring to oneself in the third person)
  9. More impulsive
  10. Less likely to conform to gender roles or rigid conformity to gender roles [2]
  11. Able to remember vast amounts of trivial data including licence plate numbers, sports statistics, and historical dates. This ability makes spergers excellent in school and at card counting.
  12. Tend to have one sided conversations with people about their favourite topic
  13. Trouble with the opposite sex (more so with male aspies)

Favourite Activities[edit]

Spergers engage in a variety of activities and this varies betweens individuals. However, a number of common activities were found to be more common in spergers than in the Common Human.

  1. Playing computer and video games
  2. Editing Uncyclopedia and its parody site Wikipedia
  3. Watching internet porn
  4. Reading and editing articles about aspergers and autism
  5. Blurting out inappropriate sexual comments
  6. Posting on forums such as WrongPlanet
  7. Blurting out long monologues about a favourite topic
  8. Tripping over ones feet
  9. Rocking back and forth
  10. Swimming (spergers have a high affinity for water although many can't actually swim)

Relationship with humans and genetic compatibility[edit]

Sexual Relationships and Hybridization[edit]

A female aspie who works as a model. A bit thin but definetly doable. Admit it, you'd hit that

Aspies and humans are very closely related. It is estimated that the two species diverged from one another less than 500,000 years ago with some mating occurring after the initial split. Many zoologists argue that full speciation has not yet occured because the two species are able to have fully fertile offspring and that fertility is not affected when hybrids are mated with other hybrids (as long as they aren't brother and sister). They share about 99.8% of their DNA with the common human and are genetically nearly identical.

It is the behavioural differences that place spergers in their own species. Spergers have a very complex relationship with humans. Some humans and aspies will readily mate with each other but most will not unless their are no other suitable partners around. There are two types of hybrids produced by aspie/human mating. The first the product of a male human and female apsie is known as a humour (combination of human and sperger), this is the most common type of hybrid. It is also the best type combining the motor and social skills of a human with the memory and intelligence of the aspie. These hybrids are known for their physical, social, and intellectual superiority and are the next step in human evolution. [3] The second type is the spawn of a male aspie/female human which is referred to as an assman (combination of aspie and human). It appears to have the weaknesses of both species; the physical and social awkwardness of the aspie combined with the inattention and obnoxiousness of the human. Most diagnosed cases of ADHD and anti-social personality disorder are actually hybrid offspring of this type of mating.

Male humans and female aspies mate much more readily then male aspies and human females. Many female aspies actually (and mistakenly) prefer human males to males of their own species because of superior strength, athletic ability, and social status. Few female humans will mate with male aspies given a choice. Some female humans are so ugly they are forced to mate with aspies because males of their own species refuse to mate with them. It is not known exactly why there is such asymmetrical mating patterns among aspies and humans with one combination hybridizing readily the other only out of desperation. It is thought that both species may unconciously understand what combinations of aspies and humans are superior and which are inferior, driving their mating preferences.

Social Relationships[edit]

Besides for sexual relationships, humans and aspies interact on a semi-regular basis. In adults of both species, they tend to co-exist peacefully although they are often indifferent to one another. Male humans will often readily form friendships with female aspies in hopes of forming sexual relationships with them, female aspies often reciprocate. Male aspies are also often interested in females of both their own species and human females but have little luck with either. Hybrids tend to be more successful than pure-aspies but only if they are the produce of a male human/female aspie mating.

In children however, aspies and humans are sworn enemies. Aspies, because of their lower numbers, are often segragated from humans and ostrasized. They are bullied for their strange language and behaviour patterns and are often beaten, particularly in less developed countries such as Zimbabwe and the United States. More progressive countries such as those in Europe and Canada have legislation in place to protect aspies from unprovoked aggression and bullyilng. The SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruely to Aspies) has lobbied the Canadian government to put Aspies on the protected species list even though they are not endangered. It is now illegal to hunt and trap aspies or to engage in sperg fighting (a popular sport in the mid to late 20th century, done after cockfighting was banned). Aspies are popular pets in Canada and Europe and are often trained by humans to count cards, take tests, and as calculators.

Domestication and Use by (Sub)Humans[edit]

Aspies have been used by humans for thousands of years and have made vast contributions to society. Some of their uses include card counting, test-takers, Jeopardy contestents, mathematicians, engineers (especially of bad-ass weaponry that makes neurotypical physical strength largely obsolete), computer programmers, video game testers, military strategists, cavalry men/fighter pilots (hit and run and thinking all the way, the submen can fight hand-to-hand in the ditches) and Uncyclopedia editors. Female aspies are also used as sex slaves by because they care less about the game and are less bitchy than their neurotypical counterparts.

Did Any of the Above Make You Mad???[edit]

If so, then good. You now know the facts of our situation. Awareness is the first step to finding solutions to any problems...

Aspergia for Aspies!!!


  1. Subject to nutritional circumstances (Spergensis is notorioussly anemic and effected by ambient chemicals in the environment and diet during formative developement). Spergensis high in testosterone are especially upright and handsome (though somewhat metrosexual) creatures known for their leadership tendencies and occasional meglomania. Still asocial, but is promptly excused as simply being a rugged and even heroic "individualist" who is above the mundane interests of the uneducated rabble (See Keanu Reeves or any Tim Burton or Robert A. Heinlein protagonist)
  2. At least not contemporary gender stereotypes, particularly healthy Spergensis tend to exhibit Chivalrous/Bushido type patterns of behavior; see Renaissance fairs.
  3. See above reference to health and diet, this phenomena may be related to father's lifestyle).

See Also[edit]