“The "melting pot of the Pacific" isn't a soup made out of haoles?”
Honolulu is the largest city in the islands of Hawaii and also contains the highest population of haole in the Western Hemisphere. Known for its strange smells and small China Town it is a favorite place to visit for many migrating pests, also referred to as tourists by the natives, who themselves are largely comprised of foreigners. Honolulu is also sometimes referred to as New Cuba.
History and Founding
Queen Liliuokalani (stage name Lil' O) was the last monarch of Hawaii and resided in a sealed palace in Honolulu before being forcibly thrown out a window by Sanford B. Dole. Dole, a blackbelt in taijutsu and self-taught ninja pirate, then proceeded to take out her entire 2-man royal guard before declaring himself "ruler of the world" and "an eligible bachelor". The Queen never returned to her former prosperity, but did participate in the second season of American Idol as a guest judge.
“Fight? I have only partially begun to fight! I'm just taking a break for now, be patient!”
Pearl Harbor Attack
Japan, all J that it had half the islands Hawaii had, launched a bombing raid upon Pearl Harbor on the morning of December 7, 1941 in an effort to sink Honolulu like it earlier did to Molly Ringwald's career and FDR's legs. Hawaii defenses proved to be a weak force, despite being ranked 30th in the nation. After the stunning loss to the Japanese "Bulldogs", the mayor of Honolulu winced and was quoted saying, "Should've kept June Jones."
The Super ferry
Fear of what was called the "Super Ferry" erupted in Honolulu in 2007. Lawmakers rallied to bring in a regular ferry, while fat comic book nerds lobbied to keep the Super Ferry in Hawaii to protect people from villains like the menehune and the often feared Pele the Fire God. The Super Ferry was beaten and stabbed to death by unknown parties in 2009. Suspects include his archnemesis, The Watermelon (Green on the outside, red on the inside), the Supreme Court of Hawaii, and Dr. Evil.
“The Super Ferry?! May as well call us Gotham Fucking City, and have some jackass breaking through government windows that'll cost us millions.”
Lifestyle and Customs
Honolulu inhabitants find most of their sustenance in the vast ranges of Costcos and Wal-Mart superstores. Bringing along as many family members as can fit in a beat up Chevy Astro, dominant males armed with a card and a cage-like striking device push their way into a Costco followed by their pack, aggressively seeking their next few meals while taking full advantage of the free sample tables. A typical session will last 2 - 3 hours until all tables have been effectively decimated and the lady with the grey bun at the lomi salmon table catches on. After a hunt, the entire pack will not need to return for at least two weeks, three weeks at the max.
Hungry males and females often seek mates at local malls and sporting events. The males are known to wear dark colors to intimidate other potential suitors, and often make loud obnoxious noises that draw attention to themselves. Females rely on their bodies more, frequenting many grooming salons and wearing the fur made by a younger population in China.
The typical Honolulu male is part-asian, owns a Japanese-made car, has a child that goes to a private school, and has over 5 or more siblings. If you say "Glenn Miyashiro" on a crowded street, at least five males will acknowledge your advance. Advance cautiously however, because many of them are extremely protective of their young and you may provoke a MSG-influenced frenzy.
- Don Ho: Effectively communicated to the world that Hawaiians are attentive enough to notice small details in wines. Although well loved by all who are sane in Honolulu, he was placed on the "To Kill" list by Pro-Lifers after receiving stem cell treatments in Thailand (of all places).
- Dog the Bounty Hunter: #1 Most Wanted person: Named "Dog the Bounty Hunter", who has a fat wife, who's brother was charged with indecent exposure, who said a racial slur, by radical pro-muslims, and Tom from myspace.
- Herman Frazier: Is likely the most hated thing in Hawaii history, even more than tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, and President William McKinley. Walked away with a sweet 300K after failing his job as the Hawaii Athletic Director.
- Lilo from Lilo & Stitch: Currently resides in a Honolulu Correctional Facility for aiding a high-level criminal in escaping from law enforcement. Also was charged with "smearing da aina" and "getin' all up in da braddah's face", whatever the hell that means.
- Black Osama, or something like dat: The Hawaii dude we voted for last November against someone from Ireland. Wish we remembered what he was running for.
Honolulu is home to many famous places that no one there really cares about anymore. Amongst some of the lesser known areas are listed below:
- Godzilla's Lair: Located under Honolulu, it is where he emerged from to do battle with random monsters made in a 4th grade class out of paper mache. He was created through sexual intercourse between God and a "Zilla".
- Ala Moana: Translates literally in English to: "Walking", this four-story mall is a favored location by people who complain about walking who do not realize the name of the mall directly conveys what they will be doing if they go there. Placing up signs stating "Stop" and "Slippery When Wet" in 2006 did not have any noticeable impact on the amount of lazy people visiting Ala Moana.
- Hawaii Polynesian Cultural Center: If you are in need of fun in the sun without wanting to get insulted by local people, this is the place for you. Situated conviniently near a drug-infested area, this place will allow you to experience Polynesian culture while still letting you keep your ignorance of primitive cultures!
“It was a pleasure seeing an reenactment of the Polynesians dying from smallpox!”
Upon arrival in the city of Honolulu, there are critical things to consider before acting like you own the place. The next few steps have been commercially approved by the Chamber of Commerce, as well as by Chuck Norris. Assume that anything approved by Chuck Norris must be reliable...or else.
- Rent a Japanese-made car. No one but rich bitches drive American or European cars in Honolulu, and you'll probably wreck it anyway.
- Find your hotel first. Never leave your suitcases in your car, stupid. Unless you want ice addicts breaking in your windows and stealing your precious undergarments, or whatever you tourists call it.
- Do not eat things from food vendors. Probably contains weed or a date rape drug (unless you are into that sort of stuff)
- Look out for thieves. Thieves strangely do not resemble the brightly clothed individuals from the Disney classic Aladdin, but rather look like they came straight out of 8 Mile combined with Menace II Society being thrown up inside an aloha shirt.
- Do not shout Tora! Tora! Tora! at the Pearl Harbor memorial and declare the Japanese people to be "inconsiderate Japs". It is highly probable that you will be outnumbered 659 to 1, and it will not result in an orgy.
- The street is not a ballroom, waltzing across a street with no regards to your safety will result in loss of life, loss of virginity, lost of dignity, or all the above. Remember, even if you have the right of way drivers will never ever give a shit.
- "Absorbing the culture" effectively means to drink to the point of being violated by a local bartender and the bartender's three friends.
- If and when you see a sign say "Do Not Cross" by all means cross it. You won't be disappointed at all.
- Honolulu is a large city. Never forget that walking around might result in death.
- Remember to HAVE A GOOD TIME! Try out some authentic Hawaiian colloquialisms that you learned on your way to Waikiki from the airport. Practice with members of your party until you feel comfortable enough to ask the local family sitting next to you at Denny's if they mind keeping it down unless they all like get false crack. Fun! Its like you've lived here your whole life!
Grinds (What to Eat)
- Poi - A yucky paste made from taro. Originally used as a sealant to patch up outrigger canoe leaks, Poi was accidentally ingested by a local toddler on the Big Island who went by the name of "Kamehameha". He grew big and strong from Poi and conquered the Hawaiian islands. Poi is best eaten chilled with a pitcher of Fruit Punch.
- Sandwiches - When the first English explorers arrived the locals paddled out to the ships with big freshly made sandwiches and thus the islands became known as the "Sandwich Islands". The sandwiches have long since been eaten. Subway reintroduced the sandwich to Hawaii in 1987 with the aid of a federally funded pork bill grant.