Horatio Alger Nelson

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“Thank God I have done my duty.”

~ Napoleon on hearing of Nelson's death
Where art thou, ye scrawny brute?

“Bah! Humbug”

~ Scrooge on After being visited by Nelson's spirit, warning him of things to come

“I have not yet begun to fight, ye scallawag!”

~ John Paul Jones on finding out the Napoleonic wars have ended

A beacon to mariners, Horatio Nelson has attained a place among the voyagers of yore. Exhibiting extreme valor in the repulsion of Napoleon's fecund french fleet at the Battle of TrafallofNapoleon, a smashing victory upon the ego of an antithecially small man, Nelson is also to be noted for his ability to put down the aspirations of deluded mutineers. Bligh, Smollet, Nelson- who knew, they're all one man! He was also one of the Three Musketeers

Early Life and Marriage[edit]

Nelson was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it: and his name was good upon 'change for anything that he chose to put his hand to. Old Nelson was as dead as a doornail.

Work and Accomplishments[edit]

Born into poverty, the son of a slave's butler's shoe shiner's sewer cleaner, Horatio grew up in an environment of human waste and the filth of torn rags. Drawn into the lure of the factories, he toiled for the first seven years of his morbid childhood under the slavish conditions of a Russian goulag. Most notably, he developed a friendship with the orphaned Oliver Twist, a character to which he aspired

Mon dieu! You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Horatio admiral," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.

to become. Upon buying his freedom at the age of twelve, Horatio secured passage aboard a ship bound for the New World. Midway through the duration of the voyage, the vessel was boarded by marauders under the facade of Sir Francis Drake (16th century, silly) and the crew was impressed into the band of scalawags. Horatio, dumb as a mule and twice as ugly, was left aboard the abandoned and ravaged ship, devoid of fitting of the means by which subsistence could be attained. Shipwrecked in a storm of divine magnitude, our magnificent archetypal hero was marooned upon an uncharted isle off the coast of Brazil. Inhabited by cannibals, Nelson was immediately bound and driven toward the tribal blaze. Ah, but wait! A deus ex machinas! Robinson Crusoe flies from the woods and saves the boy, slaughtering the blood cult of natives in a grisly display.

Subsequently securing passage to the mainland, Nelson procures a skiff and completes a grueling journey into English territorial claims in the Caribbean. At this point he establishes a nickel-and-dime publishing company, writing deluding how-to pamphlets and driving the landed gentry out through misconstrued jargon. Taking advantage of the power vacuum, our cunning Sir Horatio Alger Nelson studies and learns the ways of the great Drake and Jones, the cunning Hawkins and the sly Hands. He studies Silver and idolizes Bones. Soon Nelson stages naval clashes with excess slaves serving as markers on a grand plain, directing fleets and staging offensives as though instigating a checkmate. Returning as did Dantes to Marseilles, Nelson strikes once more upon the shores of merry Britain, a clean-shaven and wealthy privateer.

Ostentatiously and boldly seizing power, Nelson commands the respect of the British fleet. In a flashing display of light and sound, he crushes Napoleon, nearly overlooking the latter's position. Short-handed, having left a majority of his forces frozen in the Russian snow, Napoleon nevertheless fought with the might of the zealous Vikings. However, he was inevitably consumed by the raging Greek fire. Nelson has dwarfed his petit opponent. The little corporal has fallen from power, thereby relinquished to the isle of Elba. Unfortunately, at this point of this gripping, fantastic and awe-inspiring narrative, our brave hero and commander Nelson is dead.

Cause of death[edit]

Local undertaker and proprietor of "Ol' Earl's Olde Butcher Shop" plum reckons Nelson died from Dysentery also known by its Latin medical term: "The Squits". Modern day Scientists think "Ol' Earl" was almost certainly a complete moron and that what probably killed Nelson so suddenly was no dysentery, a bowel infection or the bullet shot into his collar bone, but rather just plain old natural causes.

Notable Accomplishments[edit]

  1. Once beat his room mate "Chugs" in an arm wrestling match
  2. Drank twelve pints of ale without collapsing. (Although he did shoot the bartender.)
  3. Traded two buttons and a dead dog for Britain's entire gold supply with Gordon Brown
  4. Once drank the ocean. (That's right, all of it. Even where you peed last summer.)
  5. Jumped a shark on some water skis.
  6. Set up "Ask Jeeves"
  7. Killed Bill Cosby, turned him into jello pudding and then fed it to his ship's crew for four months.
  8. Won an Oscar for his starring role in "Horatio and Kumar Go to White Castle"
  9. Ate Matt Groening

Equally notable accomplishments[edit]

  1. Once won at Chess....I think.
  2. He knew the guy who invented the wellington boot

Important accomplishments yet not so notable as the aforesaid notable accomplishments[edit]

  1. Once scored with three chicks and a gay guy in one night.

Notable, yet not so important nor notable as the aforesaid notable or important accomplishments[edit]

  1. Defeated some guy called Napoleon...Apparently he's French or something.

See Also[edit]