Horsefly

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A sculpture of a horsefly

“I rode a horsefly once....”

~ Oscar Wilde on Having Sex with your Mother

“In this country, we have bees, flies, horseflies, and... SHOEFLIES”

~ Towkay on Horseflies

“Oh horse, where is thy sting?”

~ Shakespeare on getting bitten by a horsefly

“Hey, there's a fly on my leg! Wow”

~ A victim of a horsefly bite

Horseflies are insects that mainly belong to South Africa. However, they have recently been found on mainland Singapore, just off the Strait of Johor. They were last seen in Sarimbun Scout Camp, in a field which is used for the activity "Nature ramble". Wild boars and pythons are also known to frequent the area. At certain times, the habitat of Horseflies might change to a Oio Niqe.

Identification[edit]

Horseflies have a body which evolved into a combination of a horse and a fly. This evolution took many many years to take place. The given specimen is one of the largest known flies, given the fact that it has a horse's body, a fly's mouthparts, compound eyes and the ability to fly. and they like poop.

Behaviour[edit]

Horseflies are known to be attracted to utterly weak people, or people who are afraid of them, of people who are lame, or simply random people. When they want to bite a person, they will tend to bite and make you bleed if you stay still. If you do not stay still, the horsefly will fly off. If someone helps you chase it away, it will be chased away. At times, it can instil great fear into people who are afraid of bees, due to the horsefly and bee's similar nature, and thus causing people to be paralysed with fear and can only shout for help, thus letting the horsefly bite.

Horsefly pornography[edit]

Kid Safe!!

A recent study by the USA (Useless Shitty Arses) revealed that one in every 467.4 Americans revealed that they possessed large quantities of horsefly porn. This is alarming as the legal age for sexual activities with a horsefly is 104, by which it would be able to comfortably hold the genitals of a healthy, middle-aged male adult. The government is beginning its crackdown on this illegal activity. Such audacity is also shown in Europe, where Wayne Rooney is serving a three match ban for watching horsefly pornography with his mate.

History[edit]

Teen Titans[edit]

According to the analects of Confucius, it is rumoured that the origin of the horseflies began in a humble rural village in China. Legend has it that a bitter battle was fought between the Teen Titans and the horsefly population due to a dispute over the betting rights of the soccer match between the Winx Club and Asterix and Obelix. The horseflies finally emerged as champions, after throwing the Titans into the Indian Ocean, which caused the formation of Taiwan or Ti-one due to the fact that the Titans only managed to survive for that number of seconds before dying of the painful bites.


Super Duper Sumo[edit]

It is said that the Super Duper Sumos have are also related to the origin of houseflies. Records show that Horseflies gained the ability to enable a scream "SOMEBADY HELP ME!! I AM GOING TO LIEK DIE!!" when a Super Duper Sumo rolled onto it. It is able to pass this ability to anyone it stings.

The Osim Massage chair[edit]

Osim has developed a massage chair called the iGallop that was partially inspired by the horseflies. This massage chair is specifically for slimming uses and is much more effective than the Atkins diet. The massage chair simulates a horse ride and is also used to attain orgasm.

The Mating Process[edit]

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Horseflies undergo a mating process that is both tedious and unreliable, having a chance of around 1/4435 to produce offspring, out of which most die of chronic asthma in the first month. They frequently use the missionary position, which, according to myth, was taught to them by their ancestor, Patrick Star.

Another risk is that Horseflies will need to hike for a long while before starting on the mating process, so it might turn dizzy and need to ride in a car while drinking water for a long time while the rest of the herd finishes the hike and the questions to be answered about the hike, before they are allowed to mate.

Cautions to Take[edit]

Horseflies are dangerous. They are the biggest flies in the world, though the specimen found was barely 1 cm long. Still, that horsefly has proven deadly. When a horsefly lands on you, there will be a red spot soon. This is called blood. You should get a piece of tissue to wipe it away. Hence, people going on the Nature Ramble should have a piece of tissue with them. Should a horsefly try to bite you, stay still and cry for help.

Meanwhile, the best way to cry for help is to stay paralysed, start weeping theatrically, sobbing uncontrollably, and screaming in a high pitched tone: AHHH!!! THERE IS BLOOD!!! I AM GOING TO DIE!!! I AM GOING TO DIE!!! And wait for a kind soul beside you to chase the fly away. This is so that you can use your tissue paper to clean up the blood, while others are distracted by your antics, instead of wasting the tissue paper.

Alternative Solutions[edit]

If it is possible, try to get your trainer immediately. The trainer will use the most conventional method to cure you, that is, by throwing another fly at you. This is called "yi3 du2 gong1 du2" in Chinese, which translates to fighting poison with poison. However, this cure may not work on certain individuals. Alternatively you can complain to your mom when you get home, where she in turn can complain to authorities about the audacity of the horseflies to bite you.

Prey[edit]

The horsefly is the most crafty out of all the creatures in the insect kingdom. Besides engaging in coital engagement with its mates, the horsefly naturally has a source of food and other means of pleasure. Its prey - humans who do nothing to fend themselves against horseflies. These horseflies prey on the weaklings who do nothing but scream and cry, stuff their venom-filled probes into the prey's skin in a scissor-like motion. They cut the skin of the prey, devouring even the slightest cell in sight. They suck the blood of their prey, which gives them a sense of satisfaction.

According to scientific research, 99.5% of horseflies attain orgasm when sucking blood from prey. This especially applies when their prey has been spoonfed by elders, and are spastic to the core.

The Shoefly[edit]

A closely related breed to horseflies are shoeflies. Shoeflies are the second biggest flies in the world, right behind their predecessors, the horsefly. Shoeflies come in many different sizes, and can be measured using the official US Shoe size or UK Shoe Size. These flies are a cross-breed between a horsefly and a shoe. Scientists have hypothesized that over the years, as more horseflies began to be attracted to knees of certain weak creatures, shoes came into play, and they were used to smack the horseflies. However, this smacking is a mating process - known as masochistic penetration. The chances of mating are 1/314159, and the chances of a cross-breed are 1/133733^1^6. The origins of the shoefly is a miracle, hence it is used as a motif representing the impossible. A renowned institution within the heartlands of Singapore, RafFLIES Institution, has a school crest made up of a gryphon and a shoefly mating.

The Spanish fly[edit]

The Spanish fly is a close relative that only eats Spaniards. Though much smaller than the Horse fly the large size of the Spanish fly swarms make them even more dangerous.

The Bumble Bee[edit]

Though its features and looks greatly differ from that of the horsefly, its purpose and reason for living in this world remains similar. It's main aim is to attack and destroy and being which has a fear of it, who scream and do nothing when they land on them. The stings from a bumble bee is not as deadly as that of the horsefly's, but it definitely looks more gruesome, as it leaves its sting stuck in the person's skin. Sadly, it dies shortly after preying on these weaklings.

The Horse-Shoe[edit]

The horse-shoe is a mix between the horseflies and the shoeflies, only that after mutation it has no more wings. A horse-shoe feeds on the same things as the shoeflies and the horseflies, but it cannot reproduce. It has no organ for sexual reproduction, and it will die if it tries to have intercourse with another horse-shoe by one way or another. It can also be used to make magnets. However, bar magnets are still used more commonly than horse-shoe magnets, as horse-shoes are endangered due to infertility, as well as being trampled on by horses.

The Unicorn[edit]

Legend has it that the horsefly resembles a unicorn. It is quite possible that a horsefly maybe a son of Pegasus. But the difference mainly lies in their horns. A unicorn has a horn on its forehead while a horsefly does not. Horseflies were unicorns once. However, they broke their horns when they tried to sodomise with their horns. Then they became horseflies, and were no longer as horny as other unicorns.

Other breeds[edit]

There are even more cousins of the horseflies, and these will be updated later. These breeds include Nicholas the Pixie, houseflies and others.