HowTo:Antagonize People for Being Different
PEE COMMENT:This, is in fact, probably the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life and I’m signing my passport to hell for it; in fact, once I get there Satan will probably throw me into a trench that’s deeper so I don’t corrupt any of the demons residing there. If anyone reading this exercises the following HowTo course of action without wearing a seatbelt, you should be stripped, beaten, and thrown under a bus full of nuns and the people I just described in this article. Nuff said, prepare to be desensitized…
Note: This article is not for politicians, priests, pacifists, pacifiers, pillagers or Oprah patrons. Pretty much anything starting with a ‘P’ including ‘people,’ and above all, ‘crazy people’, this article is not for you!!!
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
- 1 Generic Guidelines
- 2 Antagonize the Handicapped/Disabled
- 3 Antagonize the Undisabled
- 4 Antagonize the Poor
- 5 Antagonize the Rich
- 6 Antagonize the Homosexuals
- 7 Antagonize the Whites
- 8 Antagonize the Blacks
- 9 Antagonize the Blackish Whites (Whacks/Blites/Freaks)
- 10 Antagonize the Browns
- 11 Antagonize the Yellows
- 12 Antagonize the American Bastard
- 13 Antagonize (bully) the Loser
- 14 Antagonize (kill) the Jock
- 15 Antagonize the Fat One (gluttons)
- 16 Antagonize Oprah guest for helping sensationalize her show
Ok, if you’re reading this portion of the article, it means you’re too lazy to go through the entire article in its morally repulsive completeness. Please see the individual segments for more explicit advice regarding the topics you are most concerned about.
The following is a concise version of the article in stair-master form on how to antagonize a (singular) person for being different.
- Step 1 (Alienation): Immediately isolate the person in question from their social surroundings by identifying them. (Can be done by shouting out their name, the clothes they’re wearing, or by any culturally non-suggestive means.)
- Step 2 (Provocation): Throw out a taunt relative to the difference you are antagonizing.
- Step 3 (Support): Look for people around you who DO NOT match the difference of the person you are antagonizing and encourage them to join in on your ridicules because it’s for the good of humanity. (Remember: the more, the merrier).
- Step 4 (2nd Amendment): Obtain a severed bear’s arm.
- Step 5 (Confine): Form a circle around the person being ridiculed and strike them with the arm if they attempt to escape.
- Step 6 (Torment Dance): Continue firing off aggressive taunts and intimidations while dancing around with unreserved enthusiasm. If they start crying, 50 points extra-credit.
- Step 7 (Obscure the Situation): When you’re finished, call the person you were just harassing a racist/bigot/hater in order to confuse them while substantiating your sardonic mentality.
Antagonize the Handicapped/Disabled
Mentally or physically, it doesn’t matter. If you know someone who is mentally handicapped, physically handicapped, taking prescription medication, suffering from an apparent disease or ailment and are not being antagonized, it is your duty as a
Nazi citizen to make these people aware and intimidate them to the point of suicide, despair and or explosion. Remember, you’re better than they are because "God debilitated them for being born." - Fark 8:19
Antagonize the Undisabled
Not as impossible as you think it would be; but, saying, “Ha, ha, you can walk and I can’t” won’t get you very far. They’ll probably just laugh and knock your stupid crippled ass into the street; or, if you’re blind, throw you into oncoming traffic. (Abridged version: expect to wind up in the street if you ever attempt pulling that line.)
However, do you recall what disability benefits and concessions are? Do you recall the exceptional inspirations disabled people such as Helen Keller, Ray Charles, Steven Hawking, Frank Williams, and Gary Coleman are motivated to incur?? I think you get the picture now. Being disabled is a benefit as much as it is a detriment. Now you can say, “Ha, ha, you pay taxes for me and I don’t!” and then roll or limp away as fast as possible.
Antagonize the Poor
This only works if you’re at least moderately wealthy. Antagonizing the poor while you yourself are poor is a social impossibility that may result in a rip in the space-time continuum or worse; maybe like a clone of Oprah or something.
Best phrase method to approach, The ol' , "Ha, ha, you're poor and I'm not" line. Then show off your fancy two-piece suit and whack them in the head with your briefcase. Oh, wait! Don't forget to spit on them once you've got them down, this will awaken a respectable ovation from your nearby wealthy citizens.
Antagonize the Rich
Kinda hard to do. Saying, “ha, ha, you’re rich.” won’t get you very far. They’ll just look at you and laugh because in all probability, you’re just economically poor and pathetic compared to them. In short, patronizing rich people simply does not work; in Soviet Russia (and everywhere else in the world), “Rich man patronizes YOU!!
The only way to hurt a rich person is by antagonizing one who can actually feel remorse and guilt for others. Let it be known that this particular breed of rich people is almost extinct and the only known species in existence reside in the tropical wastelands of
Beverly Hills metropolitan suburbs. Once you find one, try instead employing your innate cynical temperaments by calling them a heartless, greedy, avaricious, soul-grabber.
Antagonize the Homosexuals
ha ha, you take it up the chuff!
Antagonize the Whites
Nothing in the world can make a white man fill his pants faster than a group of sharks or negroes encircling him in a public swimming pool. To antagonize him, you don’t have to do anything but surround and look him in the eye. The white man will shit his pants on his own while you can watch and laugh with the sharks.
White men and women are inherent to paranoia and feelings of precariousness in semi-hostile situations. They will naturally become apprehensive whenever forced into a close proximity with potential dangers. White people prefer to watch other people be in danger so they can relax and have the comfort that they’re safe and other people aren’t. This is mostly accomplished via television.
Antagonize the Blacks
Thanks to the KKK, K-mart and Hitler, there is an entire online catalogue available, for free, on the harassment of people with an African American background. Just visit: www.shockthemonkey.com, www.ApeSlayer.org, www.Black2Nothing.com, for more information and details.
Antagonize the Blackish Whites (Whacks/Blites/Freaks)
Antagonize the Browns
The majority of browns are of Indian decent and can become successfully intimidated by dangling food in front of their face and then quickly jerking it back when they try to eat it. This could arouse hostility in them so be sure that you’re behind a protective barrier (i.e. the law) and the brown-person will just grin at you knowing full well that he is being antagonized and can’t do anything about it. Thanks America!!
This usually works for everyone because demographic scientists claim that 85% of the Asians in the world are smaller than you are. This goes for adults and children. Midgets, on the other hand, are handicapped and therefore can’t antagonize their own kind within pertinence to height/length; however, they can still antagonize them by other means.
Here are a couple of suggestions you may want to consider when antagonizing your fellow yellow.
- Scrunch up your face and stretch your eye-lids w/ fingers while saying in a funny hi-pitched voice, "Chong Ching Koong Dah!!" (May allow yellow-person a free kung-fu lesson if they are offended by this; it could also possibly mean, "Please kick my ass” which would warrant the subject’s ass getting kicked upon literal request.)
- Start rapping in Chinese. (When practicing this in front of Yakuza, make sure you rap in Japanese. Also, be enthusiastic about your physical movements; you can do a lot more talking with your body than your mouth!)
- Chant the hip-hop version of Miss Saigon in a really high-pitched voice while stretching eye-lids. (Possible Tony Award for the successful completion of this without getting your ass kicked.)
- Pull out your wang and smack them across the face with it. (Possible mushroom-bruise award, if branded, for the successful completion of this. Shames the yellow person for being small and makes you the new emperor of whatever country you're in.)
Antagonize the American Bastard
There’s not much you can do to antagonize me other than calling me an unfunny, racist, sack of poo, Oprah loving uncyclopedia user. Here is a statistically proven list of names uncompromising liberal fanatics might call me:
- Racist/Hater 99.8%
- Racialist .1%
- Chauvinist .05%
- Xenophile .04%
- Revolutionary .01%
Here’s all you have to know. That kid over there; the virgin one without friends, emo-cut hair and wrists; probably an uncyclopedia aficionado. He’s the target; an easy one too, probably won’t fight back. You better take advantage of the situation now before one of your bored friends does and you’ll just get knocked down the school appointed list of “skilled bullies.”
Here are your options, you know it’s the right thing to do and voices in your head agree.
1. Purchase Gun (You = too weak fight like a man).
2. Go to work/school bearing the firearm in hand (or foot for
negroes monkeys... Mommy what's a foot for??)
3. Walk up to the kid who likes to intimidate you and pull down your pants and show him how big you are. (If you’re not big, do not fear, just keep your pants up and carry on to the next step).
4. Brandish firearm and yell, “THIS IS WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!! or something to that effect.”
5. Pull out kitten from beneath your trench coat and blow its head off. (If you = small wee wee. 9mm>x makes a hole big enough for you to put your tiny dick in; extra-credit opportunity for small-dicks. Skull-fuck dead kitten whilst simultaneously desensitizing spectators for life.)
6. Hand dead skull fucked kitten to your past aggressor and yell, “PUNKED!!”
One of the seven deadly sins and should considered that way. Texas and Detroit are the only two continents in the world with an awkward abundance of these types of people. The United States EPA has launched an all out poaching effort to help rid the country of these cancerous swellings of life. If you're willing to go on safari and hunt down some of these freaks of nature, you are more than welcome. ATA, United, American, and Southwest offers regular flight services to these two inherent tropical zones, we suggest you bring your family; children ride for free. There are lots of places to eat and sit.
As for the fat people, if you're not in the mood for a vacation poaching, a good way to antagonize them is by stealing their food. Unlike the brown people (above) who don't have any food, the fat people do and that gives you the opportunity to take it from them. This is a fairly simple and innocuous task considering once you have their food in your possession and the advantage; you can either run or walk away depending upon the mobility of the fat person in question. If you really want to be cruel, run a slightly faster pace than the fat person who is trying to catch up with you. This will give them much needed exercise as well as Crisco perspiration which is in turn good for the pavement. (Warning: the fat person may attempt to run slower than they actually are capable of running and will suddenly accelerate when you are within grasping range. At this point, you should either throw the food your are holding as far away from you as possible or die a very embarrassing and asphyxiating death.)