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- Is your name Jack?
- Do you now or have you ever had strong cravings for craft paste?
- Do you frequently rearrange your prized collection of butterflies?
- Can you speak in elvish?
- Do you wear tinfoil on your head more than 8 hours per day?
- Are you incapable of laughing at yourself?
- Do you take pride in your intimate knowledge of the supernatural?
- Are you incapable of taking a joke?
- Are you a Communist?
- Are you now or have you ever dreamed of being Napoleon Dynamite?
- Do you think you are a rock star just because you can play Guitar Hero on expert mode?
- Do you Have a Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, or any other Satanic People Sites?
- Are you 20 or older?
- Are you reading this page thinking that it will show you how to be awesome?
If you have answered yes to any of the above questions then abandon all hope now. You will never be awesome or even semi-cool. You may hope to be mildly-interesting but that's as far as you can go. So sorry. The rest of you.... Congrats! Oh and one last thing, you must be composed of 50% pure lead, 50% greatness (yes, there is a difference between awesomeness and greatness, a big difference), and 10% oxygen. Yes 110%, awesomenity doesn't stop at 100%, it goes further. Now you are able to maybe, someday, become awesome. But first there's something you all need to realize....
You're not Special (I am)
But one day you might be. That is the essence of awesome. As of now, you all are merely larvae who might, one day, develop into beautiful fully-awesome beings. So no, right now you are not awesome in the slightest but with a little practice and a whole lot of luck you might one day be more than awesome... you could be amazing. But never as amazing as Chuck Norris. But that opportunity is a lifetime away. For now, its time to get down to work. Don't cringe you pansies, it'll be worth it. Or maybe it won't be. That all depends on you.
Step 1: Getting Rid of Your MySpace
Yes thats right, I said it. In order to become truly awesome one must rid oneself of the evil contraption known as MySpace. It is well known that MySpace is the destroyer of souls and naturally you need a soul in order to become truly awesome. The only remedy for a stolen soul is to delete your MySpace profile and never ever go back to that horrid place again. EVER! The backgrounds alone are enough to drive you insane. The ignorant keepers of MySpace profiles do not seem to understand the intense aggravation that the loading of these backgrounds causes. It is suspected that it is this precise aspect of MySpace that begins the process of soul-stealing. Beware my awesome-apprentices. If you have one of these profiles then you will never be truly awesome.
In order to be awesome you must be appreciated by your peers. For this to happen you must stop bragging about your fancy electronic stuff that you constantly carry around in its own special protected padded case. Understand this, it's not that it isn't cool, it's that you annoy us with its coolness thereby negating it and your cool value. By us I refer to the truly awesome. Yes, I am one, otherwise I would not be risking my awesomeness to help you. As it stands I am far more awesome than you will ever be. Fact of life, get used to it.
Back to the Step at hand, stop talking about your electronic device. Its cool, thats for sure, but what's not awesome is you talking about it...or pulling it out to show us, or using it for every stupid little action, I'm sure you get the idea. As a side note, I like to pull it out. On to....
Step 3: Finding A Talent
Yes, now it is time for you to find something interesting to do. The point of a talent is to connect with other people who have a similar talent so that you can finally make some friends. (this ofcourse does not apply to people with awsome accents.) So choose wisely, oftentimes people are defined by their talent. For instance, do not chose knowing every single type of insect as a talent because that type of talent tends to be creepy. Awesome masters say that you should chose a talent that people will actually want to see, a unique talent that will occasionally bring you some glory. Perhaps you have a hidden talent for bowling? That is excelent, feel lucky and feel free to show off in front of friends...they will both envy and worship you until of course you're no longer bowling, which brings us to....
Step 4: Awesome DOES NOT Equal Prep
Its true. It is a common misconception that those labeled "prep" are awesome. They are not, repeat, are not awesome. To be truly awesome one must separate oneself from any and all labeling. Or at least not let it bother or define you. Those who are unworthy to be awesome oftentimes create labels and derogatory terms in order to define those who can be or are awesome. Contrary to popular belief, awesome is not a label, it is a state of being. Why do they do this? Leading psycologists claim that they do this because they feel inadequate and are jealous. This is true. They are inadequate and its hard for them to deal with it. How do the awesome deal with this? Simple. Ignore them. They are not worth of your pity.
But anyway, back to the step at hand. In order to save your awesomeness from the "prep zone" you first must know what a prep is. Namely, it is a person who buys specific clothing from a few select designer stores, acts awesome (for shame), and then attepts to disrespect the truly awesome. They also brag about their talents and/or show off their various sports skills. So do not, my young awesome aprenticies, fall into this trap. While you can brag about your talent, do it with taste and only within the proper circumstances such as when you are practicing said talent with friends.
Step 5: Do Not Act Awesome
Thats right, you heard me. You are not to act like you are awesome. This is truly the key to being awesome. Awesome people know that they are awesome, and therefore feel no need to press the matter on anyone. When one consciously acts awesome, they run the risk of becoming a prep (see above). So if you are to be awesome, remember, awesomeness is a rare quality, much like being able to forsee people's deaths or the ability to set people on fire with your mind (both very awesome by the way). Because it is so rare, do not take it for granted. Don't act awesome, just be awesome.
Of course, one quick issue must also be addressed: Un-awesome people that try to act awesome. These are the people that do many of the before-mentioned forbidden things and believe that actually makes them awesome. If you encounter one of thses people bragging about how many MySpace friends they have or how many TV channels their cell phone gets, simply laugh and ignore them. They're not fooling any of the real awesome people, and those that are falling for it will never be awesome anyway.
And there you have it. There now is nothing more that I can teach you my awesome-apprentices. You must go on and do your best to be awesome (like that will ever happen). So best of luck to you, you're going to need it.
Some extra pointers on how to be awesome:
- Meet Olivia the Queen of Awesomeness.
- Please disregard the following pointers as they are just pointless:
- Play guitar
- Don't be Emo
- Be Emo Sewa
- time travel
- Get to level 21
- Have a vison from Jesus
- Not create articles on Uncyclopedia
- Have a beard shaped like a pineapple.
- Fully get like, 10 minutes of air.
- Run to the nearest petrol station. Find a guy that looks a bit like satan. Proceed to punch him in the face.
- Have an apostrophe in your name.
- Lick your Elbow
- Go back in time and kill Hitler.
- Deal with the inevitable consequences of killing Hitler (because it always turns out wrong).
- Have the power
- Fight the power
- Create an army of minions
- Be a black guy
- Go back in time and kill Stalin, too.
- Be the first black guy
When you start to feel sad.. stop feeling sad, and start feeling awesome Oh, and one more thing. The true key to be not just awesome, but AWESOME is....oh... wait...I forgot. Oh well, too bad for you. Bye! oh and pie is always ALWAYS AWESOME
~Tip~DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT!!! Be Like Sodra! You will negate you Awesome value to the lowest, and Will become depressed