HowTo:Be Russian

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So your life is dull; you've already done the things a normal active person is supposed to do like go out to clubs and get shitfaced or have misadventures with your friends around town and can't think of anything exciting to do. Surely you need something to break away from the mediocrity of life right? Well there's this thing called being Russian and it's 100% guaranteed to rejuvenate your life and get you laid. Now you may think that it's hard to do, that you can't be Russian: well the truth is, it's easy as fuck; anybody can be Russian and if you follow these steps, you too will find the way to enlightenment.

Step 1: Do research[edit]

Seriously, badass!

All journeys require that first step and the only way you can do that is through research. Now the question you may be thinking is "where might a guy like me do research" and the answer to that question is obvious; Grand Theft Auto IV. I mean think about it, that game has a Russian as a playable character and since it has a lifelike representation of New York, it must be realistic right? This game will tell you all you need to know about Russians from the things they say when they're annoyed by constant calls to the lifestyles they live when they have everything such as cars and money.

The fact is, you don't have to shoot people and rob cars in order to do the things that you do; all you have to focus on is that Russian and just how badass he is; the way he wears his sweater, the way he looks cheap and grungy. Think about how video games influence impressionable people right? Well just repeat everything that he says and do the things that he does, I mean look at him, isn't he a role model, the way he lacks a care for the world and easily gains money as if it were candy? If Grand Theft Auto IV doesn't teach you everything you need than you may want to turn to movies, preferably "GoldenEye"; it may have Russians as the bad guy but it teaches an instructive lesson, that Russians live in cold weather and hate British people.

Step 2: Obtain an accent[edit]

Russian accent is good no? It makes you sound sophisticated, like badass. You may not have Russian accent but you can obtain one for cheap prices. Just look at mirror and pretend you're Russian, now say things in deep slurred accent; it may sound weird no? But first time you do things can cause that. If you can't sound Russian then perhaps you're not trying hard enough; imagine yourself as superevil genius, proclaiming your dominance all across the land. You have just invented something that'll cause havoc among humanity and you can't wait to unleash it across the world. By imagining yourself as that person, you'll be in the Russian state of mind thus allowing you to sound Russian.

It may take many months for you to get the Russian accent right but but with practice, you'll get it. When you sound like a super-evil genius who can calculate nuclear missile trajectories in seconds, the chicks will be all over you. They like a man who seems bold and flamboyant, who likes to take over the world; you will be their sutable mate for whatever these girls have in their mind and that will happen often when you sound Russian. The more Russian you sound, the more badass you become and the more badass you become, the more chicks will be all over you.

Step 3: Drink Vodka as if it were water[edit]

It looks like water doesn't it?

Vodka is a clear alcoholic liquid, it looks like water therefore it must be water. Russians down this drink almost exclusively. In fact, vodka is the only alcoholic drink available in Russia, all other alcoholic beverages being banned due to them proving insufficiently intoxicating. You may be a drinker of beer or wine and if you aren't Russian then good for you - we hope it fits in well with the rest of your homsexual lifestyle - but since you want to be Russian, you need to get with the program, and the progam is vodka.

In order to be Russian, you must take that bottle of vodka and down it; down it like you've never downed it before. You may taste a bitterness yes but these Russian people are tough; they look death in the face and laugh at it, they eat nails for breakfast, they've even managed to give Chuck Norris a run for his money; if you can't handle the bitterness of vodka then what are you? Just a weakling. Look at you, you can't even lift a small weight intended for a woman, you run away from the darkness as if it were poison. You want to be Russian, you can't show weakness, you have to down that vodka. Down it! Be like the Russians who can tolerate a day in the cold, be like the Russians who can resist torture! You must if you want to be cool damnit!

Step 4: Publicize your porn[edit]

It is a known fact that Russians love their porn; in fact they love it so much that it's legal and normal to publicize your love for it. These Russians have pictures of babes on the wall, some with a bra, others completely naked. You may be sort of embarrassed to reveal your porn collection and I'm guessing you have it hidden in a jumble of folders with different names on them. Who can blame you? You don't want others to see you as a freak, a cheating horny freak who has nothing better to do than to masturbate over porn but you want to be Russian right, and they don't care if they're freaks or not; so why should you have to hide? That's uncool!

The first thing to do is to order tons of posters of hot chicks; make sure you don't get a normal looking chick or a fat chick, you want to have the hottest chicks available so go for the ones who have had liposuction and/or plastic surgery. When you get your posters, plaster the wall with them. Make sure that every corner has a hot chick looking directly at you; you may feel uncomfortable having chicks as your wallpaper but you'll get used to it. Second thing is to create a sign that says "I love porn" and place it outside, things like cardboard boxes and tape are an effective way to get the message loud and clear. Hey, you're Russian, you gotta let people know about your perverse nature right?

Step 5: Proclaim your love for Mother Russia[edit]

Russians have an ungodly love for their country that is unrivaled. They worship the propaganda that is placed in front of them, they practice time honored traditions such as workmanship, they even speak Russian exclusively. To be Russian, you have to proclaim your love in a way that will please Mother Russia, I mean you can't be a Russian and love the US, just look at how awkward a Russian would be in the US; praising things such as their right to free choice and cheap food found at the corner of every street; he would practically be begging to kill himself.

The ways of proclaiming your love are diverse; you can hold up a poster of a Russian leader and bow down to him or you can take an airplane trip to Russia and make out with the embassy itself, it doesn't matter which way you're proclaiming your love as long as you're giving the middle finger to the US. You must truly mean it when you proclaim your love. You can't say "I hate the US" and be done with it, you have to fully hate their free democracy, the people who promote wealth, hell, you've got to hate yourself; if you don't mean it than Russia will be on you like a motherfucker, spitting at your face, criticizing your every move. You may feel dirty at first but soon, you'll find yourself enjoying life as never before and all you needed was Mother Russia by your side.


Congratulations, you are now Russian. You now know how to look cool and be the talk of the party. There's no need to thank me, your distraught stare is thanks enough; now go, go out there and have the time of your life, danced like you never danced before, drink like you never drinked before. FUCK USA, MOTHER RUSSIA FOREVER, BOW DOWN TO MOTHER RUSSIA! *coughs* Sorry about that, must have got caught up in all of the excitement. Anyways, good luck being Russian.


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