HowTo:Become A Rapist

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Welcome to the exciting world of rape! Here are the basic steps for becoming a successful rapist.

Your rape 'victim' may be traumatized by the experience, and may seek revenge. So be sure to change your name and the city in which you live on a regular basis.


Main article: Confidence

I want you to wake up each morning with a twinkle in your eye. Be proud of who you are. Say to your imaginary girlfriend "Hillary, I love my job!" and trust in your ability to be the best at it. Get ready mentally to face new challenges and meet new 'friends', put in some quality exercise time to keep your body in shape, and check the voltage on your personality to make sure it's powered up and ready to go.

Well, Golly, who should I rape?[edit]

Choosing a victim group is a simple yet usually underestimated consideration. Some noob rapists are concerned that their "victim group" may form their M.O., and make it easier for the authorities to profile them. That concern is easily outweighed by the simple fact that you can get rapin' quicker once you figure out what constituent, ah, who to rape. Some people even decide to rape innocent (or occasionally guilty) wiki articles, but they tend to quickly disappear without a trace.

As you know, women are begging for it, and despite their pleas to the contrary really do want it. Everyone knows that when a woman says "no", she doesn't really mean it! Still, potential 'victims' will not usually stand before you like a buffet (they do have their pride, you know). So to play it safe at the start, and to find out what your tastes are, be sure to pick a broad victim group. Young children, teenagers, stay-at-home moms, pizza delivery girls, old ladies, early morning joggers, illegal immigrants, or your sister's friends all have their fans. Pick a few of those to start with. But while variety is the spice of life, advanced rapists often choose to narrow down to a more specific group. Note: No matter what group you end up with, perfect the manly arts of jumping out of bushes, arm-pinning, opening lines ("Scream and I'll mark up that pretty face" scores high in our chatroom discussions), and forced serenades.

Where to rape?[edit]

A good place to rape is in a dog park, because humans are never there. Another great place to rape a child or that special teen diva with a scent of bubblegum on her breath is in the alley behind the local ice cream shop, candy store, or pet shop, although some devil-may-care professionals prefer to "git-er-done" right in the establshment's front window. But you wanna know something? For a tried-and-true method, consider using a vacant house. Store whatever you like to use on a rape 'victim' in that house and you will be good to go (:

How do I actually do the raping bit?[edit]

A noob rapist

Develop a method and steady your nerves. This is especially important for beginner rapists. After all, if your 'victim' tells their friends that you fumbled around, talked about your mother, used a condom, or tried to kiss her, that will just be embarrassing. What are you, a wimpy high-school nerd fumbling with your 'date's' bra strap after hitting her over the head with a brick? So man up. Take some pride in your work. Because rape is easy when you have the know-how. Here's a short "Rape For Dummies" teaching guide:

The approach[edit]

Much talk has been devoted to surprise rapes, but that's for amateurs. The professional approach not only depends on the makeup of your target group but on developing a pleasing personality. Luring 'victims' into the back of your van, plying them with rohypnol-laced drinks, using candy and stuffed animals as bait, or the ever-popular offer to change their bedpan are all effective strategies. It's best to downplay your intentions; potential 'victims' may get a bit skittish if you bring up your entertaining hidden-agenda too soon in the conversation. So avoid saying things like, "Whaddya think about me raping you honey? Ya into that?", or "Tell me your favorite rape fantasy". Save it until the mood is right for both of you.

Overpowering your new friend[edit]

Drugs are quiet and leave no marks (unless you choose to administer them while she's playing unconscious). Nonviolent weapons like chocolate are almost always enough to do the job, and are an effective and culturally accepted form of social pressure.

Develop a signature rape stare. Practice before a mirror, then get feedback and constructive criticism from your clients

The rape itself[edit]

Come on, both of you kids just have a little fun. Oral, vaginal, anal, or just do their mouth, but otherwise it's your choice. But be practical in terms of lubrication, sharp teeth, dentures, or braces. If she doesn't enjoy it, do it again, and see if you can improve your technique. If she starts to moan during the rape, moan back at her, she'll like that, and if you talk dirty to her you may just turn her moans into screams. See, she loves it. What a turn on!

Further tips of the trade[edit]

Ben Franklin's advice that "The more the merrier" comes into play here. Use a car or a van, because vehicle-based abductions provide some privacy and also allow you to drop off your 'victims' in the middle of nowhere (but if it's a chilly night don't leave them wandering the woods without a coat, you're not a monster for God's sake).

Rape should always be impromptu, spontaneous, and fun for the victim, but you should always plan ahead and surprise her with an experience she'll remember!

Avoid getting caught[edit]

Make sure you don't leave any hairs, DNA, or fingerprints. If you feel the urge to disperse your semen, and who doesn't, then do it, clean it up, and remind her that you know where she lives. This should impress upon her that you really do care, and she won't hesitate to brag about you to the 'authorities'.

But you shouldn't brag about your own work, someone might punk you out for the reward money. Besides, you don't want any poser to copy your signature moves, and believe me, they will.

Remember, call your lawyer (: or alternatively, don't. That way, you can be on both the giving and the receiving end in prison.

Turning Short-Term Failure into Long-Term Success[edit]


If your victim enjoys being 'raped' (such an ugly word, insulting really), then after a few minutes it is no longer rape but consensual sex. Although you may have failed to properly rape her, your victim is now your girlfriend, and don't be surprised when she comes back for more. Then you'll have to think about a relationship, spend your free time taking her out to dinner, movies, and dances, buy her flowers and shiny things, and do all of the other girly things a 'victim-in-love' and her rapist do before they tie-the-knot. You will then get married, settle down, and she will live "happily ever after" while you put in some heavy TV time.

But a major benefit of this unfortunate turn of events is that you will soon have children, and some of them will be girls! Stun Guns at the ready, gentlemen!

The Masters of the Craft[edit]

We should honor those who came before us and study their techniques. Seek them out if they're still alive, and ask them to accept you as an apprentice.

Father Murphy
Churchmen are at the top of their game when they reach middle-age. And with Viagra they still have many years left to use their well-honed swag romantic skill to turn their favorite altar boys into their new boytoys.

The immortal
Bill paved the way for all of us, and proved that no matter how many people know about your hobby you can hold both your heads up high (I call mine Jimbo). Bill currently gives classes in "When and How to Bite or Beg", and host's weekend seminars in "Alpha-male Intimidation and Advanced Restraint Techniques". Learn from the very best.

Brian the Great
One of the founding inductees in the Rapists Hall of Fame, Brian pioneered many of the techniques, opening lines, and victim profiling scorecards used by today's professionals. Now living in a pensioners home just outside of Nottingham, Brian can still be seen practicing his craft on the comotose and recently departed.

Holds many world records including most consumated in an hour (8), most nationalities lifetime (63), age range in a 24-hour period (6-84), and most times being raped himself (79). This gentleman's gentleman authored the classic She's Someone's Daughter--Maybe Yours--So Don't Hurt Her, But Don't Neglect the Lady's Needs Either.

Joey a.k.a. Joey Eyelids
Joey came from a good family, a humble upbringing, and a small town in Denmark. He now has captured the hearts and shoulders of hundreds of women with a simple smile, and an endearing personality (a Sears #9 blue-black "Lady Remington" rechargable Stungun.

Never on Sunday
Voted by his victims as the scariest date they ever had, Never on Sunday not only uses body adornment and sound effects in his forced seductions, but usually ends the date with a 15-minute stand-up comedy set. "Everytime he walks in my bedroom window I cringe," one of his unwilling multiple dates said, "knowing that he's going to run his new material by me."

There are no words to express our graditude for this champion of making sweet love to an overly shy lover. Charles has a hypnotizing stare, a way with words, and just a touch of larceny in his heart. An irresistable combination! Then throw in a dozen candles and a scented rug and, whoola, Charles' M.O. Seriously, even we're kind of scared of this guy, so we had to write some pretty words under his photo. But if you see him, maybe you can call the authorities without feeling like a total snitch. But first try to get him to talk about my sister, and maybe find out where he's keeping her. Owe you one bro.

The Looker
Named for his good looks and for his habit of watching himself in a handheld mirror while taking the lady for a spin around the dance floor, The Looker continues to dazzle Canadian authorities with his innovative defenses. "He doesn't even run away," said one province's judicial head, "but he's never been convicted, all because of his superhuman sense of connectiveness and his good looks. Damn his eyes!"


The Founder

After creating the sport of "Rape" in 1852

The Founder, bless his heart, could never sit still again.

Sally No Sass
When you hear the words "Don't give me no sass!" as you walk alone in a dark alley, be prepared to meet Sally. This lovable prankster from Seattle dates men and women, young or old, conscious or unconscious, and leaves them wanting more. Just relax, get comfortable, and Sally will show you why she beat out the competition to win the World Rapists Association's "Best Female" title five years running.

No one, you see, is smarter than he. Faster than lightning, Flipper introduces his new friends to a "world of wonder" under the sea (if you know what I mean).