HowTo:Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Our Lord Vanilla Ice once told us to check out the hook while his DJ revolves it but I'm sure that most of us just took his gospel word for it without ever questioning the meaning of his divine wisdom. This article is written from a Vanilla Agnostic stance with the aim of being objective about the "Grand Master Problem Solver's" teachings.
There is one immutable truth about living in the 21st century. DJs are cool. I don’t know if it’s the fresh names, clubbing all night, or whatever, DJs are just superior to normal humans. And smarter too! Did you know that DJ Jazzy Jeff actually scored a 760 on the math portion of his SAT’s? True story. And by “true,” I mean that I just made that up. Ready? Read, look, listen, learn. Word?
- Fishing Hooks
- Sky Hooks
- Captain Hooks
- Peter Hooks (New Order version only)
- Steel Hooks
- Velcro Hooks
- Crochet hooks
Please note: Dr Hook is not an acceptable hook to use. Unforeseen consequences can arise from using this type of hook.
Picking the correct DJ is the key to making sure it is revolved correctly.
- Jazzy Jeff
- Utah Saints
- Pete Tong
- Carl Cox
- Paul Oakenfold
- Simon Bates
- Terry Wogan (unless you intend to revolve it on a Wednesday afternoon)
- Wolfman Jack
- Sarah Cox
- Diamond Dave & his wheels of steel
Other Necessary Items
- Step Ladder
- Poster of Vanilla Ice
- Rubber glove filled with cold custard
- Always ensure that you carry out this task after lunch. In the past I have found poor revolving occurs before midday.
- Find a nice location for hook placement. Remember you are going to have to be checking out this hook so the nicer the area the better the whole experience will be for you.
- Make sure your DJ has his decks plugged in. Failure to follow this step could lead to non-revolvement.
- Place the step ladder adjacent to the hook. You will need to check from above at some point.
- Perform your standard warm-up exercises.
- Take the telephone off the hook. You don't want it obscuring your view, do you?
- Finally, pin your poster of Vanilla Ice somewhere where you can see it. You need to remember the real genius behind what you are about to do.
Check & Revolve
Okay, start slowly. Checking & Revolving requires practice, determination, expert timing and precision. There is no need to rush this part.
- Signal for your DJ to start revolving.
- Quickly move around your hook, checking from every angle.
- Place the rubber glove and cold custard onto the hook and climb up on the ladder to get good checking from above.
- Glance at your DJ to ensure he is still revolving it. (This is very important!)
- Using your compass, align yourself North and check North for South UNDERNEATH the hook, then vice versa.
- Do the same as in step five for East and West.
- Finally, make sure that your DJ stops revolving it at the exact same moment you stop checking.
Good Checking & Revolving can require hours of dedicated practice. In this brief introduction I hope to have opened up this mysterious, but rewarding, pastime to more people. However much fun you find it, you must never ever forget what it is all really about. Our Saint Vanilla Ice of C.R.E.A.M. has given us the gift of Checking & Revolving in order to solve whatever problems may arise. Please, enjoy your newfound power, but don't abuse it.
|Captain"People named "|
America - Autofellatio - Beefheart - Bligh - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Communist - Hook - Irrelevant - Jack Harkness - Janeway - Kaptainskye - Kirk - Knuckles - Marvel - Morgan - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Planet - Raccoon - Selfish - Sisko - Slow - Video