HowTo:Cook a green thing in some red stuff with an egg
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“I find the complete F*@#ing lack of Tabasco sauce added to the horse hairs unacceptable!!”
“I find Gordon Ramsay not knowing that the last Tabasco plant died out in the 1800s, crazy!”
Cooking a Green Thing in Some Red Stuff With an Egg was first invented way back in 2807 by a crazed Jamaican Bob Dylan fan after hearing he had woken from his 800 year coma. It is the local dish in as many as 3 countries and some small gypsy camps in Northern France. Over consumption of the dish may cause erratic salsa dancing of the left eye lid.
Despite the name, the dish is traditionally made with 5 eggs, not one.
First add five eggs to a hollowed out turtle shell and then something green and something red. Preheat your oven to 17 degrees. Now in Spanish! Cinco ojos esta en la soupa roja. Whoops don’t put five eyes in your red thing. You must be able to see in order to complete the next step. Now you must add some other crucial ingredients that you may find in your house. If you live in the country, you can go outside and collect some wild horses. I recommend 18 of them.
Take your eighteen horses outside and shoot them all once in each of their four legs, with a high calibre anti tank rifle. Leave them there to bleed to death over night. The next day, pick one of your 18 horses and pull 3 hairs off of its head and add them to your 5 eggs, green thing and red thing in a turtle shell. You can discard everything else, you don’t need it. You will also need to learn Spanish for the next phase.
In this letter from Mrs. Dorris Kankleman, .5 Apple Court Court, South Greenland, she explains the best ingredients to use:
Dear Mel Gibson, I find the best ingredients to use that are found around the house are those with the most protein. The front bedroom curtains for example are packed full of proteins, while the dining room curtains are full of fatty acids. I have a rather lovely grandfather clock that contains essential vitamins K, B-12, D-12 and Pi. Tenderised floor carpets seem to work best, opposed to roof carpets. The common house hold mite can add a nice dash of spice to your Green thing in some red stuff with an egg. If your house is unreasonably clean and you don't have any mites, then you can use a slice of lamp shade. Yours sincerely, Mrs. Dorris Kankleman (Please find pictures enclosed.)
Said pictures will not be shown here due to extreme graphic sexual content.
A lovely letter from Mr. Gibson commented on her ingredients suggestions.
Mrs. Dorris Kankleman, Please stop contacting me. I have contacted the police and my lawers. Stop sending me pictures... Stop sending me letters.. Please...
A heart warming touch there, to say the least.
Cooking your Green Thing in Some Red Stuff.. With an Egg
One word.. Lesbians. Cooking the dish is a painstakingly slow and boring process. So much so it is said to be the main cause of death in French gypsies. The lesbians will keep you entertained while you cook. Give them a copy of The Lord of the Rings trilogy and tell them to read it whilst playing all the parts. If lesbians and Lord of The Rings just aren't your bag, then tough shit.. I honestly don't think you deserve to eat this fine meal if you can't get into Lesbians and Lord of The Rings... Jesus.. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??!.
Open the preheated oven and place the dish inside, switch the oven off. This process is known as "Super Slow Roast Cooking". Keep the dish in the oven for 13 1/2 years, stirring it clockwise by 15 degrees. You will need to stirr it 88726.15 times, or for those of you who fear they might lose count after 2, that's every 78 minutes.
Once the dish is done it is highly recommended that you acquire a time machine. If you have to wait for one to be built then that's what you gotta do. Once you have your hands on one travel back to just after you put the original in the oven. Give yourself from the past the new green thing in some red stuff with an egg, but tell yourself to keep on cooking his green thing in some red stuff with an egg.
Congratulations, you have now crated a time paradox as well as a delicious dish! (Hopefully you've also learned Spanish, as was mentioned in step 1). Just hope that one of yourselfs through out the timeline that you've just fucked up figures it's not worth the 13 1/2 year wait and doesn't bother cooking a new one after the future you has left. This cooking guide is also available in VHS, Hard back book and in the near/distant (Does it matter? You've gone and screwed the time line any way!) future, subliminal messages.