HowTo:Criticize the Media
Everyone knows the greatest threat to America is the free press. Every day, reporters, editors and anchormen undermine our values in a determined attempt to turn our great land into a wicked den of drug use, prostitution and fair tax policy.
Or are those media people really shock troops of corporate America, taking candy from the poor, setting up cameras in our bedrooms and handing power over to big business until America becomes a hellish corporate dystopia, with neither sympathy or pity for the great unwashed masses?
It can be difficult to tell -- America-hating elitist journalists often straddle both sides. Thankfully, we have a tool to prevent this wickedness: media criticism. Did you know 68 percent of all Americans are now media critics? They serve as the only barrier between the news and the public, the last guardian of civilization from anarchy.
- 1 What do I need to become a media critic?
- 2 But I trust the media implicitly. They have never, never, ever been wrong!
- 3 What if I don't have a major gripe with the media?
- 4 How does one go about criticizing the media?
- 5 What is the MSM and why should I fear it?
- 6 Egads!
- 7 Thank God. What are the benefits of being a media critic?
- 8 Great! So how do I criticize the media?
- 9 Final points
What do I need to become a media critic?
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
The following tools are essential:
- A newspaper or television
- A scrap of paper
- A point of view
- Pure, unbridled fury
This is a common misperception. The media are always wrong. The front page of your local newspaper? Wrong. The lead story on your local television news? Wrong. For Better Or For Worse? Absolutely wrong. We all know Elizabeth should stop screwing around with that police officer and comfort Anthony for being deserted by his bitch wife.
This is not a recent phenomenon, either. Just read this 1896 editorial by New York Times publisher Adolph Ochs:
- We will report the news accurately and thoroughly, without fear or favor. We will continually strive to subjugate the brown-skinned people of the world to our self-evident superiority; we will vigorously defend the Republic from the evils of "women's suffrage" and we will never charge more than a penny for our product.
What if I don't have a major gripe with the media?
How does one go about criticizing the media?
Let's start with a simple quiz. What is the most important thing a media critic needs? Is it:
- Knowledge of the workings of journalism?
- Expert ability in a particular field?
- Concern for the unfiltered truth? Or
- A skeptical yet curious mind?
The answer, of course, is This question serves the agenda of a tiny elite with evil plans, and shame on you for asking it. Who is that "elite," exactly? Most likely, it's the Main-Stream Media (MSM).
What is the MSM and why should I fear it?
First, a little history. Americans voted overwhelmingly in 1964 to stop thinking for themselves, handing their reasoning abilities to a small cadre of politicians, General Motors executives and the MSM. Over time, the first two groups lost their mental capabilities, leaving the MSM in charge of the country. But the MSM was quickly infiltrated by a sinister cabal of communists and stockbrokers, who now control 98 percent of all media outlets. Each group struggles for power within the MSM, and one can never be certain if your newspaper is trying to push a collectivist agricultural program or if it is determined to poison the atmosphere and the environment. But you can be sure that it is up to no good.
Indeed. Yet media critics have exposed this cabal and thwarted their machinations.
Thank God. What are the benefits of being a media critic?
What aren't the benefits? Media critics live lives of luxury, filled with big cars, hot women and huge mansions. Media critics, though only making up 68% of the population, as stated above, now control 23 percent of the wealth of the United States, and regularly appear on television and in the movies. It's a lot like being a Jedi, only with better clothes and sex. The media tries to ignore media critics, but it's a hopeless task. You can't avoid them, and you never will.
Great! So how do I criticize the media?
Although some media critics are objective and limit their criticism to issues of fact or ethics, the vast majority have agendas, or completely reasonable programs the MSM ignores. Some popular agendas include:
- Why can't I kill all these homeless people?
- Sex Between Married Couples: Dangerously Immoral
- Let's send all our money to French Guiana
- Noam Chomsky: Reactionary
Once you have an agenda, you're ready to critique the press! Find a newspaper, television set or website, and start reading. Soon you'll be filled with outrage at how the MSM is deliberately ignoring your cause or misleading their customers about it. You may experience these reactions when you first begin your media critique:
- "Our leaders would never do that!"
- "This is wrong. This is so goddamned wrong it is destroying everything that is right."
- "They cancelled Beetle Bailey? Get my gun."
These are perfectly normal and healthy reactions. Remember, The MSM is against you and every other living thing.
Let's read an excerpt from a typical newspaper story. Find the treasonous passages within.
- SHELTON -- Alicia Smith, 4, jumped up and waved as the float passed by.
- "I love horsies!" she screamed. "I love horsies!"
- Smith's feelings were shared by the entire crowd at the 39th annual Fall Harvest Parade in downtown Thursday. The event, which drew about 25,000 people, featured floats, bands and hot dog vendors, and was enjoyed by all.
This story is biased because:
- It assumes, without reason, that people enjoy parades, thus advancing the agenda of the military-industrial complex.
- It uses the word "shared" -- an obvious code-word for communism.
If you didn't notice this at first, don't be discouraged. Many of our greatest media critics began life with even denser heads than yours. As long as you follow your agenda, you'll be critiquing with the best of them!
- If a news report challenges your worldview, it's certainly wrong.
- Never write a piece of media criticism without working yourself into a Hulk-like rage.
- Does your news outlet hate America-loving patriots or give out deep back rubs to the Illuminati who really run this country? Probably both!
- If you ever feel the need to praise a piece of "reporting," immediately stop what you are doing and chase that perverted thought out of your mind. Go into the garage and smash your fingers with a hammer.
- Remember, media criticism=big cars.