HowTo:Defend your Home from Drug-crazed Mexicans
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Danger! Infiltration! Drug loss! Immigrants! Communism! Could your home be at risk? You could save yourself and your family hundreds of hours and milligrams of pure, uncut cocaine by reading through this simple guide.
"Waves" of Mexicans
It is a well known fact that while individual Mexicans can sneak into your home easily, they more often come in "waves".
These are large flocks of illegal aliens who jump the border and then run like hell. In fact, these aliens run faster than hell, straight into your backyard. They then move not unlike a cold virus, or a computer virus, trying to find their way into any home nearby until all the houses (and the jobs) have been occupied. You have been warned!!!
Are you in danger?
Before preparing for a Mexican invasion, you must be prepared.
Firstly, check to see if you are in a "Mexican Danger Zone." To determine this, look for some "Beware of Mexicans" signs. These are usually depicting a well respected, caucasian family being attacked by figures wearing sombreros. Please study the image below. If you see it in your neighborhood, you will need to prepare, as if it's Judgement Day in Terminator 3.
Here is the list of the materials you need for your home...
- Firearms (shotguns, machine guns are recomended)
- chupacabras (These cute little guys just love eating the flesh of illegal aliens)
- Barb Wire
- Napalm Launchers (Preferably Mint-Flavored)
- Rocket Launchers
- Saw blade launchers
- Vehement racism
- Gringo's deterrant
- Cornholian Warriors of Lake Titicaca
- Your Grandmother
- Well not really.
- Your mother-in-law will do.
That's about it... For now.
Fortifying your Home
The Mexicans are on their way! They just told me on the phone. So here's the steps of preparing your home for invasion...
- First, arm everyone in your family. EVERYONE. Even if it means giving a toddler an Uzi or strapping a minigun to your dog.
- Tie up the chupacabras to stakes in the yard. Make sure to give them cute names like Fluffy or Mr. Pumpkins. Please watch your fingers while handling the chupacabras
- Set up the napalm launchers all around the perimeter. It is a common known fact that when Mexicans burn to death, they become powerless.
- Now give the Cornholian Warriors some chicken picata and a nice Frapacino. Then give them spears and brass knuckles and turn them loose. Do not threaten them.
- Set up all launchers so they are leaning out windows.
- Spread barb wire all over your house.
- You were probably wondering why you needed your mother-in-law. Set up a cyclopean shrine and sacrifice her eternal soul to Cthulhu for good luck.
- Now figure out how to get inside your home.
Surviving the Siege
Are you inside your home?
Then you're up shit creek, buddy.
If you did manage to find a way inside your home, then you need to re-fortify it. Seriously, if you can get in, the Mexicans certainly can.
Now make sure you hide any cats and either hide or huff any kittens that you may own. Mexicans love to capture these and make them dance to salsa music, which is a horrible fate, especially for a nice, furry kitten. Now have everyone (including the undead corpse of your mother-in-law) man the launchers and start tearing at those beaners. There are typically three waves to a Mexican attack. If you get a high score you'll unlock a bonus stage.
Good for you. I knew you'd get the hang of this.
So what did I win?
A voucher for a free purple nurple at your local KFC.
Sorry to hear that. So you want to know what to do. Just click 'Retry' or 'New Game' to try again. You disappoint me.