HowTo:Deliver a Baby, A Concise and Easy-to-follow Guide Developed, Tested, and Approved by the AMA (No, Not that AMA. The Other One) and Reprinted with the Permission of the JAMA (Also a Different One)
It is not recommended that this page be viewed by: users with large or wide-screen monitors, the easily nauseated, the already nauseous, those who just ate or are planning to eat, mothers to-be, and everyone else.
Do not operate heavy machinery while reading this page.Side effects may include: sweating, headache, loss of motor control, something bad, loose stool, or a sudden or unexpected transformation into an octopus.
So life is going along just fine. You woke up right before the alarm went off. You got a coffee from Starbucks (*sip*). The radio played one of your favorite songs on the way to work. Then you got on the elevator and...it broke down between floors. "Great! This ruins my whole day!" your internal monologue monologues internally.
But wait, there's more. You're not alone. There's a hottie standing beside you. Sure, she's got a pot belly, but you're a modern man; you look beyond the outer beauty to see the beauty inside. Your day is looking up. "Hey, I'm a modern man. I'm sure her belly is beautiful on the inside." your monologue continues, "My day is looking up."
The elevator, meanwhile, continues its failure to elevate. You turn to the chubby hottie and lean in, pursing your lips in preparation for the perfect kiss...wait, you read the title already, right? So the jig, as they say, is up? Nuts!
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Methods for delivering a baby
See Figure 1
- "Lay back with your legs elevated. Hey, I said 'elevated'. We're in an elevator!"
- "Nurse, get me the 'crash cart', sterile gauze, three CCs of tetrahydroclorazine, and a bowl of warm water, STAT!"
- Do some doctor-type stuff.
- Remember the last episode of ER that you saw? Ok, do the following; sleep with someone, get in a fight, talk about your problems, be handsome. Especially that last one.
See Figure 2
- "Batter no batter no batter no batter..."
- Call timeout so that umpire can wipe dirt off home base.
- Point out to umpire that he missed a corner. Revel in the rush of power.
- "Swing batter batter batter batter swing!"
- Adjust cup.
- If you are not wearing an athletic supporter, just adjust down there. Good ol' lefty might like playing right today.
- "Sah-wing batter batter swing!"
- Ponder the paradox of a "sport" where players spend half of the game standing in one spot and most of the remaining time sitting down.
- Pull out communicator.
- If you don't have one, just pull your cellphone (make the communicatory sound when you flip it open. That's three clicks with your tongue in rapid succession. No no, faster than that. Okay, now a little slower. There you go. Now no one will know).
- Twist those two dials (make the wiggly wee-oo sound if it's on your phone).
- "Mister...Spock...I'm...in...some...sort...of space...vessel."
- Squint your eyes a bit, and pretend to listen to Spock's illuminating reply.
- "Spock! There's...a...woman...here..."
- Get annoyed when Spock interrupts you with a dry joke about her being a green slave girl.
- "No...she's...giving...birth to...some...sort...of...tiny...person. Get...Bones...to...transport down...here...to...help."
- Stand aside as Bones teleports into the elevator.
- Stand aside as Bones delivers baby.
See Figure 4
- Press button for your floor. If you're feeling especially polite because last night you had that dream about what's-her-name from high school, ask your elevator companion what floor she'd like.
- Press button for her floor, if appropriate.
- Check watch. If watchless, stare at wrist for a few seconds.
- Cough or make remark about the weather.
- Hum along with elevator music ("...Nothing is real but pain now/Hold my breath as I wish for death/Oh please God, wake me...").
- Check watch again. Or stare at wrist for a few seconds again if you still don't have a watch.
- Sniffle or scratch bottom, depending on whether you're dripping or itching.
- Do not do these simultaneously. If necessary to do both, do them in serial. Or one after the other. Whichever is easier.
See Figure 5
- Be an octopus.
- This step is critical. If you find yourself unable to be an octopus do not attempt the octopus method.
- Use your octopus arms to grab onto the pregnant woman.
- Squeeze. You must stave off the birth until qualified, non-octopus help arrives.
- Wait for help to arrive.
See Figure 6
- Get her to lay back, with legs spread and knees raised.
- Shove her purse under her bum. This will raise it slightly and ease the birth.
- Tell her "Everything is going to be alright."
- Lift up her skirt, drop panties, etc. Place your jacket under her knees.
- Gaze at area that you normally try to get to as often as possible but now, for some reason, can't wait to get away from. Tell her to breathe. She'll forget to if you don't mention this. Then you'll have an unconscious woman birthin' a baby on your hands and that's well beyond the scope of this article.
- Look again at that place. Notice how it's much bigger than it was mere minutes ago.
"Hey, you pooped!"
- Don't say this. Some, ahem, miscellaneous discharge (both #1 and #2) is perfectly normal during the baby's trip out. Just take off your tie and wipe it away. Note: Much like the jacket, you will not want the tie back. If you were smart, you'd figure out a way to write it off your taxes. But you're not smart, so suck it up, dumbass.
- Look again. See that oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole? That's the baby's head. Feeling woozy yet? Good. Move on to the next step.
- Pass out.
No octopi were harmed during the creation of this page. Except the one, but it died of natural causes, what with the accidentally grilling itself with black-eyed peas and sticky rice and all. Its death was both tragic and delicious, if a bit undercooked.
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