HowTo:Exorcise your Printer
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Possessed Printers are a growing problem in today's society. Paranormal research in both Russia and the Rest of The World over the last thirty years has revealed that a marked increase in the number of printer related hauntings has occurred since the mid 1990s. These have traditionally taken the form of Poltergeist rattles, bangs and explosions, though Hewlett Packard are known to enable full ectoplasmic manifestations.
Signs that your printer may be demonically possessed
- Your printer continues to print the same thing over and over and does not stop.
- Your printer prints things that are encoded.
- Your printer does not turn off when unplugged.
- Your printer replaces random words in your document with "Hail Satan, Prince of Darkness".
- Your documents emerge from the printer inexplicably coated with a thin layer of ectoplasm.
- There appears to be a small girl named Carol-Anne trapped inside your printer.
- If you turn the printed paper over and read the writing backwards, you can read demonic messages.
- It tries to strangle you in your sleep with its power cord.
- It won't print when you command it to.
- It vomits out thin sheets of white material with black/red/green/blue/other color blood all over it.
- Maniacal laughter is heard whenever you start printing a document.
- It is only able to print exactly 666 pages of documents, no more, no less.
How to exorcise the printer
- Try pressing the cancel button.
- Try unplugging it.
- Drive a wooden stake through it.
- Shoot it with silver bullets.
- Sprinkle holy water over it while reciting incantions (and pray it doesn't short circuit).
- If all else fails, place a large stake in the ground and tie the printer to it. Cover in gasoline. Burn printer at the stake to expel demons.
Repeat steps 1 through 6 as necessary. If the printer is not successfully exorcised by then, a nuclear holocaust may be necessary. Consult your nearest radioactive weapons dealer for more information.
Information for owners of Hewlett Packard printers
Owners of HP printers may recognise any or all of the above symptoms and believe their printer to be demonically possessed. However, this is not necessarily the case, as all HP printers are set to 'Evil' by default at the factory. Before attempting a full-on exorcism, go to Control Panel > Printers > Properties and click the "Configure" tab. In the "Other Options" setting, uncheck the box marked "Evil" and click OK. If this fails to rectify the problem, you may have a genuine case of possession on your hands, and should contact a priest and proceed as per "How to exorcise the printer" above.