HowTo:Get Fit for Lazy People
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Picture this: You're weighing in at thirty-four stone after gorging on nothing but Ferrero Rochers and french fries for the past 1,460 days. You feel like a prisoner inside your own body, but even worse, there are lazy people in your family. And would you want to let them down? Who knows, your children, husband and dog may follow your example. Follow this simple guide and get fit for lazy people.
Step 1: Eat a good breakfast
A reccomended breakfast by John Beans, Executive Dietician at the PlebSwipe Institute in South Carolina is scrambled eggs on brown-breaded toast. He said "Eggs are full of flavour if you add sodium chloride, and bread is yumptious when you spread unsalted butter on it". But do be warned, the recipe involves a stove. Please be careful not to burn your house down, especially if it isn't yours as the landlord can present you with an unlimited fine. You can find the recipe for this along with fifty other healthy dishes at www.plebswipe.com/patients/recipes. PLEASE NOTE: If you don't like exercise, skip steps two and three.
Step 2: Get some exercise, Brando!
If you pay a hefty amount of money, you are granted free use of beams, tramps, barbs, balls and dumbs for a few hours. Instructors range from the friendly to the not-so-friendly, although the latter may mean that you've mistakenly signed up for the U.S. Marines. All the more exercise the better, it's wanting to leave that's the problem. Go figure.
Step 3: If you have no money/can't drive/can't be assed to join a gym, get exercise at home!
Here are some exercises that are so simple, they're actually stupid:
- Bend down and touch your toes, nude. Repeat this process until you can bare it no longer.
- Do some jumping jacks. And when you've done them, do some starjumps. Starjumps involve abruptly spreading out your arms and legs as far as you can from a standing position, and then jump in again. Repeat this process until you can bear it not longer.
- Bench-press your family's laundry basket, this works better if you have a lot of dirty clothes. Why not enter into a mud-wrestling competition, dressed as a cheerleader?
- Why not try bicycle crunches? Simply take somebody's bike to a scrapyard on foot. If you ask nicely, they may let you smash up the bike yourself.
- Lay down on the floor, with your belly-button facing the ceiling. Raise your arms and legs to a verticle position, and ask an authority figure to 'jump on'.
Step 4: Drink a lot of water
Many of us take water for granted, opting for Coca Cola drinks, Pepsi and anything that a popstar promotes. The only people who advertise water are Africans in emotionally-manipulative television appeals, although why they can't move closer to their source of water is an excellent question. Not only is water very refreshing, but it's also healthier than sugar-loaded caffienated drinks. Also, encourage your children to drink only water. Perhaps the Coke is what's giving them the slip in their grades?
Step 5: Exercise while working
Sick of working nine-to-five on that same old computer? Ask the boss if you can power all the computers in the company by running on a treadmill. Whilst this can give you a considerable pay rise, you will need to run on the treadmill on a continuous level throughout the eight-hour day. Failure to do so will result in dismissal.
Step 6: Settle old scores in a boxing arena
Can you remember people who said the most unprintable things about you, and all because you liked your lunch? Well, now's the chance to get back at them. The United States Federation Of Combating Sports has set up a 'A Glove For Every Hand!' program, which offers you free boxing lessons in any state. Request for phone lines to be cut, and for the referee to take the day off.
Well, you are completley free of the flab, You've got the Hut but not the Jabba. You've said hello to Rice Cakes and goodbye to Jaffa cakes, and your family love you, and you love yourself. You'll find that in a few months, your ego will inflate to the size of your original bodyweight. If they find any other emotional problem with you, negative or otherwise, you can correct the fault with guides on here. Mazeltov!