HowTo:Get Kicked Out of The Mall

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Mall security. Fear them.

I know. It's really hard trying to get kicked out of the mall. At this point you're probably ready to start strapping bombs to yourself and carrying a sawed off shotgun just to gain the attention of security. So listen up, for I will tell you the ancient and closely guarded art of Getting Kicked out of the mall for only a payment of $50.00 ($50.00 a month). SO here it is.

Proper Attire[edit]

To start your mission, you must choose your clothing carefully. And by that, I mean randomly. Make yourself wear the most horrendous clothes you can find. Do not wear a ski mask unless you want charges pressed against you. Try dressing up like a clown or a cowboy.

Entering the Mission Area[edit]

Are you ready? Take a deep breath and enter the mall. Your mission consists of four to five steps:

  • Bothering Random People
  • Being Really Loud
  • Stealing
  • Breaking stuff "accidentally"
  • Hold weed for people, the deal it like me.

And if none of the previous work...

  • Annoy the Security Guards

Bothering Random People[edit]

There are many different types of people that is considered "funny" to annoy. These include but are not limited to:

  • Old People
  • Yuppies
  • Mexicans
  • Anyone who can't speak english
  • People in wheel chairs (they can't chase you)
  • Window Shoppers
  • Mimes
  • Mall Walkers (and Mall Joggers)

Being Really Loud[edit]

This is an art, mostly due to the fact that malls are generally really, really loud without anyone attempting to get kicked out. You must, instead, combine your loudness with really stupid and/or annoying acts, such as:

  • Shouting some activist crap while standing on a table in the food court
  • Shouting some cultist crap while standing on one of the guard rails on the second story
  • Bringing One-Man Band equipment unannounced (they'll be ready for it if you tell them beforehand)
  • Tap-dancing
  • Rocking out on electric guitar with your amp on full blast (again, be stealthy, just like the One-Man Band tactic)
  • If it is Christmas time, go up to the line of children waiting to see the Mall Santa and shout "he's an imposteror!!!!!!"

Or, for the lazy,

  • Being really loud in general inside a store (stores are relatively quiet)

Places Not To Try To Be Loud[edit]


You can be a great thief or theif but it will get you nowhere here, because the goal of stealing in the mall is to get caught.

Before you steal from a place, you must first "stake it out." This does not entitle killing all vampires within the vicinity, but rather ensuring that you will be seen if you steal.

HowTo:Tell you'll get caught stealing[edit]

First, check around the store's ceiling corners. Ideally, there will be mirrors there, as they cannot be faked. If there are security cameras inside plastic bubbles, then they are probably valid too. However, if the cameras aren't in plastic bubbles, they could be fakes. This generally happens in places such as art museums, when security cameras cost too much.

The Art of Crappy Shoplifting[edit]

Be sure to let the cameras (or mirrors) see you pocketing the merchandise. If there is no clear shot for the cameras (or mirrors), go to a corner and pocket it there; they'll know you're stealing then. After that, simply head towards the exit in a calm and orderly fashion.

What To Do When The Cops Show Up[edit]

Mall security will have blocked the exit. THE FOLLOWING IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO YOUR SUCCESSFUL BANNING FROM THE MALL. You MUST, and I mean MUST, instead of running past the cops while ensuring they catch you show them your bare arse (bottom). When they catch you you must fight them if you are to be banned. Otherwise you will most likely only receive a fine. However, you can not deal the cops any damage that will last for more than a few minutes unless you want to go to jail.

Breaking stuff[edit]

There are myriad things in the mall you can break, with other things found in the mall. You will most likely want to use one of the plastic mall plants as your weapon. If the mall plants are not plastic, that is OK, but organic plants are more fragile, and you will therefore get only one use out of them, unless your Luck stat is greater than 20.

Once you have your weapon, attack and break at least two of the following:

  • Store Windows
  • Glass Doors
  • Toilets/Urinals/Toilet Stalls/Sinks/Anything in bathrooms
  • Second-story stone trash cans (You must put down your weapon for this one. Try not to hit anyone with it, as it can really hurt people, which gets you arrested.)
  • Souvenir Stalls
  • Skylights
  • Ornamental Blimp Things
  • Banners
  • Anything attached to the ceiling
  • Lit-up store signs
  • Complicated machinery
  • Control Panels

The following aren't *technically* breaking stuff, but they're just as good all the same.

Annoy the Security Guards[edit]

This may be done in several fashions:

  • Throw stuff at them
  • Steal their hats
  • Poke them repeatedly
  • Ask them really stupid questions
  • Take a megaphone and yell in their ears
  • Kill one of the mall's house-elves
  • Ask them for stories about World War I.

Annoying the security guard guarantees that you will be kicked out.

See also[edit]

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